#included the song cause i looped it the whole time lol

[h3r3-h3-c0m3s]

lighting practice featuring eucerin..another fella id like to be friends with : ] really happy with this one!!

[smooth-goat]

hi robin lol 1, 6, 7, 13, 14, 18 (ik you do but I want to know the answer to the second part), 22, 23, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 35, 36, 37, 42, 43, 49, 50, 51, 58, 61 (out of all of them), 62 and 63 (for a&a), 64 (for ginger tea) 68, 69, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 78, 79

so many !! fjdsklaf (ask meme here) i'll put most of the answers under a read more cause its long

1. Do you daydream a lot before you write, or go for it as soon as the ideas strike?

oh i daydream for sure. my fics tend to start as a single paragraph elevator pitch, basically, in my brainstorming document. And i'll daydream and experiment a little at what scenes that would include, what character interactions, different moods and settings—the Vibes. then i can start outlining. even though i can type quickly, my thoughts still move faster, and i feel i need to think things out before i start typing something and forget the other ideas in my head

6. What's the last line you wrote?

"The infant whimpers in the arms of the woman beside the pulpit. Snufkin eyes flick to her for a moment, Moomintroll sees. He adjusts the large scarf across his shoulders. His words stumble, just a little." — from a&a

7. Post a snippet from a wip.

Moomintroll’s paw twitched on the small of Snufkin’s back. Squeezed slightly. Hardly daring, Snufkin pressed his forehead into Moomintroll’s chest, breathing in his scent. Light, at first, and then sinking in. Fresh bread and laundry soap. A tinge of alcohol on his breath.

13. Do you listen to music while you write?  If yes, what have you been listening to recently?

I used to (as in just two years ago) be able to listen to music or have old youtube videos on in the background as I wrote. I wrote about half of "chlorine & corticosteroids", probably, with jenna marbles videos playing in the background. but something changed in my brain and now i need Silence or maybe a looping instrumental song. I like Erik Satie's "Gnossiène no. 3".

14. What is your favorite location and position to write in?

Most often, I write in my room, crouched over or lying on my stomach very babygirl. Favorite though is writing in the patio of my local library. Outdoors, nice weather, free wifi and power outlet. I can have a little beverage and look at trees and birds.

18. Do you enjoy research?  Which fic of yours required the most research?

As we both know, of Course i enjoy research jfdskla the one that required the most was probably "chlorine & corticosteroids" actually. It was the longest fic I had written at the time, so there were more little details I wanted right. Also it was about ulcerative colitis, a condition I don't have, so I wanted to do research to get it right. Medical information, of course, but also forums and reddit threads and tumblr posts by people with UC to get a feel for actual life with it. The experience of being on a low-fiber medical diet, of EDCs relating to fecal incontinence and ileostomy bags. Also also because I set it in Flagstaff, Arizona: a place I have never been to. So I spend a lot of time on google maps looking at different neighborhoods and bus routes and knowing where everything in the city was. I might have spent more time researching a&a, but i think the research for c&c was more necessary. then again, i did read whole books for a&a so. idk.

22. Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process?  How do you come up with titles?

already answered !

23. Is writing the beginning, middle, or end of the story easiest? Hardest?

I do this thing, for the beginning of a story (or chapter) that I have the outline establish a few sentences, then start writing what is functionally the second paragraph. And then I can never think of a good first line, so I just make that "second" paragraph into the first. And I feel it usually works? I think it skips the boring little establishing bits and catches interest better. Wrt outlining though and broader plots? I don't really think the beginning, middle, or end is the hardest. I'll have really strong visions for specific scenes, and I just have to figure out how to fill in between them. I guess most of those are in the middle, but the middle is also just the biggest part of the story, so I don't think it's fair to say it's the hardest for that.

25. What’s your favorite part of the writing process (worldbuilding, brainstorming/outlining, writing, editing, etc)?

Worldbuilding can be fun because of all the research, but I feel sometimes I get too in the weeds and lose steam. I try to reign myself in and research as I go when needed. I write my outline and a notable amount of prose all at once, bouncing around a little, and then the outline is simply cannabalized by the prose.  I do that especially with dialogue, where I write most of the actual "script" so to speak on my first pass and then add the tags and pacing sentences after. I think that first pass is the most exciting, where I can see the story change from ideas in my head into a more concrete vision.

26. What’s your least favorite part of the writing process?

when i write and can't immediately think of what joins moments together, i'll fill it in with a placeholder, like [few sentences] or [transition]. sometimes they're more specific, like [back and forth about scheduling] but sometimes i don't have an idea for what goes there. and sometimes filling in those gaps is like pulling teeth

27. What area of writing do you feel strongest in?

mood and tone, i think, are my strongest. the sort of atmosphere and how the air hangs and all that

28. What area of writing do you want to improve in?

I definitely do want to get more comfortable writing sex scenes. I think they're a rich vein of narrative and character and symbolic importance and I want to practice that more. I also want to get better at more complex narratives. All my stories, mostly given their length, have only had the capacity for a single plot, and maybe small threads of others. In a few years, I'd like to be able to write something with definite A and B plots.

29. What’s something about your writing that you’re proud of?

answered here !

30. How much do you edit your fics?  Do you edit as you write or wait until you finish the first draft?

This kind of goes back to the outline turning into the prose. Usually I get a sentence in that's just very plain text what happens, and then I'll go in after and backfill actual prose. And usually I know as I write what spots need reworking, and I'll leave a comment to myself (e.g. "rephrase" or "move to [x] paragraph" or "would he be this direct"). Or it'll simply be a word that I want to run in a thesaurus cause the perfect word isn't coming to me at the moment but I don't want to lose momentum so I just flag it for later. But I don't think I do a lot of editing tbh. Sometimes I read over finished chapters to catch repetitive lines and such, but a lot of big structural editing I do as I write in the outline stage.

35. What’s your favorite fic you’ve posted? (L)

Favorite that I've posted might be "Black Cohosh". I think it was a change in direction into the kind of stuff I really enjoy writing now: a sort of moody, introspective piece weighted with symbolism. Also bees. I also really like "chlorine & corticosteroids" in the sort of same-but-opposite way. It's definitely a modern piece with a modern voice, and I think it has a good tonal balance between the humor and affection of Jesse and Lake becoming close and the weight of Jesse facing his dangerous people-pleasing and Lake's and Tulip's experiences with ableism.

36. What fic are you proudest of? (L) 

Proudest of is definitely a&a. It's the longest thing I've written and the most unapologetic, I think. It took a lot to include the plot points I was nervous about, but I think it was worth it

37. What fic has been the hardest for you to write?

answered here !

42. What’s your favorite title that you’ve come up with?

I think "Sweetpea & Daffodil" is a good title on the floriographic front. "gratitude & please return my affection" really fits the theme of what happens in it, the letters to ones own disabled body which read like two lovers in pain and desperate to make it work. tbh i think my floriographic titles have all been pretty apt, cause these emotions are exactly what the code is built for. Yellow rainflower standing for friendship but also betrayal, undying love but also infidelity. Lavender symbolizing devotion and distrust. I also like "chlorine & corticosteroids" for its contrast, showing the two very different worlds of Jesse and Lake respectively, and seeing them interact.

43. Is there a trope or idea that you’d really like to write but haven’t yet?

Oh I have a wip called "Common Courtesy", focused on Snufkin and Pappa's interactions, where Pappa Does An Ableism and then instead of actually apologizing, builds a ramp to Moominhouse, and is a little Too expectant of praise for it. Getting into infrastructural segregation and Moominpappa's inability to apologize and just. Seeing these two very different but equally stubborn men interact.

49. What fic of yours would you say is the best introduction to you as a writer?

I think "Ginger Tea and Parsley Oil" is a decent introduction to the style and topics that I like to go into. lmao i just read it again and ive definitely gotten better (so much of it feels clunky to me now!) but i think that's a good an entry as any

50. How would you describe your writing style?

A part of my writing style I've put a lot of focus on for years is word choice. There's a sort of emotional depth, I think, that can be found in words that sound a little unnatural. As if each one had a pause before you spoke it. My backburner OC story Ink Blots has a significant portion of dialogue between people speaking in a mutually non-native lingua franca, so there's always this sort of haze of people translating things in their head, how this translation affects how they speak. And I think that's something that I've transferred into my fic writing too. 

51. Does what you like to write differ from what you like to read?

For sure! tbh i haven't been reading much fic lately, but books I like to read are often different than what I write. I've liked Kurt Vonnegut for many years now, who has a much more blunt style than I do: much shorter word length and simple grammar. And I love Jane Austen, who writes very differently from me in both content (satires about the English landed gentry) and style (quippy dialogue and sometimes meandering prose). I've also enjoyed epistolary novels, like Dracula and Ella Minnow Pea. I've never written epistolary works before, but it seems fun

58. Do you have a favorite piece of figurative language you’ve written?

hard to pick! i use a lot of it fdjaskl i'd say one i like is in a&a chapter 16:

There's a single word sitting in the middle of the table. It's heavy. The wooden legs creak and groan under its weight. Moomintroll fears putting anything else down even a little too roughly will make the table collapse.

i think it's evocative, effective, and i was able to play with it the whole rest of the chapter with characters' interactions with the physical table they were sitting at mirroring their approaches and avoidances of the topic at hand

61. In [all of your fics], what’s your favorite scene that you wrote?

idk about favorite cause that's a tough question, but i really like the scene in "Yellow Rainflower" where Alicia and Snufkin are talking at night about why Snufkin took so long to come back and never even wrote her. I think it was good move into the stuff I like to do now: conversations beginning to put equal or more weight into what is unsaid than what is actually said.

62 .In [acacia & asphodel], is there a deleted scene/idea you wish you could have included? Why did it get cut?

Oh when I was figuring out a&a, I wasn't really sure of its format. Would it be a one-shot series, a single piece, something in between? I have a bunch of little ideas but there are two I am a little sad to see go. One is where Alicia takes in a stray cat, and there's some fun little banter between them over it. But it's one that includes Sisu as a toddler so when I narrowed the scope of the fic to just the pregnancy and Sisu's first few days of life, I had to cut it cause it wouldn't make sense for her to do it then. Another is a sort of scrapped epilogue, where Moomintroll paints Snufkin giving Sisu a bath in the sink. I cut it cause for one just like before it required Sisu to just be a little bit older (though by just a few months), and also it was redundant with the closing chapter I have already. Also it felt a little too neat and tidy, and I wanted a more ambiguous ending that signified another beginning, not something that could read more as a happily-ever-after.

63. What was the hardest part of writing [acacia & asphodel]?

answered here !

64 . If you rewrote [Ginger Tea] now, would you change anything?

I like Parsley Oil as it is alright, but I think I would restructure Meadowsweet. More internal monologue, less verbal monologue. I think there are things that Snufkin would think but not say out loud that I had him say out loud and are just a little Too Vulnerable for him to voice.

68. Are there any fics that influenced you to write the way you do?

I feel like that would be really hard to trace. I've read a lot of fic jfkdlsa I like to read through entire tags of a fandom (a character or ship or another tag), or sometimes the entire fandom's tag on ao3. I think looking at different fandoms though, my writing style is very influenced by Pathologic fics I've read. The symbolism and the moodiness and the weight and the politics are all,I feel, lifted more from those works than a lot of Moomin fics.

69. What are your favorite fics at the moment?

i'm not reading any fics at the moment jfkdsl  favorites that i've had, though, include "Gracilis", "Darling, Oh", "The Little Book of Daffodils", and "Moss". I also really like Weevilo707's Infinity Train fics.

72. What’s your favorite writing compliment you’ve gotten?

I love getting complimented on symbolism, especially when it's something I didn't really notice myself doing. Like when I was doing it, I knew something was meaningful and important and so put it in, but I couldn't articulate how, and then I see someone put all my own thoughts into words. It really reminds me of why I love sharing my writing—I love the collaborate discussion and the enthusiasm with which I can talk to my friends about it.

73. What do you tend to get complimented on the most about your writing?

Often symbolism—especially lately, cause a&a has had a lot of symbolism and narrative parallels, and I love talking about that. I also get compliments on research (of course) and on specific gut-punch lines, often at a chapter's end.

74. Do you have a fic you wish got a bit more love?

answered here !

75. Is there a particular fic that readers gravitated towards that you didn’t expect?

answered here !

76. How do you deal with writing pressure, whether internal or external?

I think the external pressure I face writing is not in regards to writing what gets more attention—I've tried writing it and know it does better but also I know it doesn't feel as rewarding or interesting to write—but in avoiding topics of controversy. Including sex scenes, discussions of sex work and of eugenics and abortion, showing sexual harassment and antisemitism, depicting the common instances of ableism that I'm certain a notable amount of my readers have performed themselves. The controversial stuff, the kind of stuff that gets strangers to rally against you, can be scary to share. Internally, sometimes I do feel pressure to keep to a publishing schedule, feeling like I "owe" readers a regular update. But ultimately, I know that's not true. I'm a regular guy and a pretty busy one at that. Writing a novel for fun and for free? This is something I'll do when I have time and if I treat it too much like another job then I'll lose my love of it.

78. What motivates you during the writing process?

for general writing, the sort of "get-er-done" motivation, I like to get inspired. I read my old stuff, I listen to the playlists that I made, I make amvs in my head. Something that will get me emotionally invested in the art. There's also the motivation wrt the content of what I write, and for that I keep thinking about this anon I got, a disabled person who was really touched by the first sex scene in a&a, saying they hadn't felt represented in a sex scene before. That's just a really poignant thing for me, to be able to make another disabled person feel seen. Stuff like that, hearing from other disabled people, seeing our shared experiences—that's really motivating too, encouraging me to keep writing what I'm writing, because while it might be niche, there's an audience that really cares.

79. Do you have any writing advice you want to share?

One of the biggest things that's helped me is analyzing the writing of other's—stuff you like, stuff that's just not your taste but effective, and stuff that just sucks. Why do certain things work and others not? Where's the line between personal taste and common consensus—and is that line where you feel it should be, and why that? I've loved film analysis, and video essays about films. I think that sort of critical thinking is really helpful for knowing how to construct your writing. (robin ?? suggesting research ??? who could have guessed)

[youremychaos]

Harrow, my love…it’s been a while hasn’t it? Life has been crazy these last few months, and I completely missed your update. However, I am here now and ready to dig in!!

First of all I completely forgot that Jimin woke up in Yoongi’s pov (had to backtrack a little lol)…which threw me for a whole ass loop when I started reading this ‘cause what do you mean JIMIN?! The way my heart stopped and I wiggled in my seat. My baby has come the fuck home!!

How dare you throw Haegeum!Yoongi in my face like this…that man has me in a chokehold that I don’t wanna be let out of. The image of Taehyung wearing a balaclavas does something to my core…those eyes just peeking out…yeah, sir whatever you want, you can have it.

Okay the build up of Yoongi coming up to see MC is crazy, my vibrating in my seat! I want them to link up again already!!! Joon too, that man needs a good hug. 

The main character has arrived!!! Yoooooonnnngggiiiiii…what an entrance my guy! Stroll in with a pair of bloody chopsticks and a simple, “Darling”...what a charmer.

You would be amused by the visual of Yoongi leaping onto him like a kitten if the situation were not so infuriating.

This right here? Yummy and funny. I like your visual even though I’ve seen it with my own eyes from the mv.

Coming up to the end of the first half, I know Yoongi is feeling all types of kicked sideways. Bringing Jimin is a huge gamble and kind of manipulative all things considered. If anyone could bring MC back it would be Jimin but I don’t think he would push for her to join them again. I feel that Jimin more than anyone can understand where MC is coming from and her mixed emotions about everything that has taken place so far. It seems that Yoongi knew his gamble might not work and has something else up his sleeve. He isn’t the type to just leave so willingly. 

MC comparing Yoongi and Ryujin hurts. I can see what she means but damn does it hurt to admit it. After all is said and done, Yoongi is a shady ass dude with a shaky track record in love. The way he goes about things aren’t always clear and are often very infuriating. So, I can see why MC is reluctant to go back. The song lyric “How deep is your love?” comes to mind when I think of the trio together. Namjoon and Yoongi would kill for MC and if push comes to shove, I think she could do the same but she would feel bad about it whereas Namgi just keep it pushing like it didn’t happen. I have so many thoughts and feelings about this but I shall read more to see what’s going on.

Harrow, you play dirty! ATEEZ as bodyguards?! How am I going to survive this fic, huh?! You’ve pulled so many of my favorite idols into this universe that I don’t know who to drool over…it is unfair! But I will say, ATEEZ do fit the vibe, so good choice!

“Not so fast,” she says, causing you to chuckle despite yourself. “You always roll away. Snore in my face for once.”

Affronted, you attempt to wiggle out of her hold, surprised by how strong she is as she holds you in place. “I do not snore.”

Hwasa rolls her eyes, says, “Everyone snores a little,” and wiggles closer as her hold on you loosens—so close your noses nearly touch.

I love that you can include such innocent and cute scenes in between the death, sorrow and destruction. 

Jimin is alive and well, the way I was tearing up as they hugged. But started giggling right after seeing how Ryujin and Hwasa left MC to be stuck in between Yoongi and Namjoon. What good friends they are lol

The one on one talk went a lot better than I thought it would. MC needed to let those tears out with Yoongi and I’m more at ease that he is willing to wait for her mental health to get better. Healing takes time and having him/the guys not push for her to come home too soon means a lot. Goodbyes and hellos are hard, but the way you pulled apart each interaction was wonderful, the tension between Jungkook and MC is still there which I love. I tend to forget that they have their own thing going on at times because I get so wrapped up in Namgi/MC.

There is a subtle shift in the family dynamics or I could just be reading too much into it but with Seokjin’s bullshit out in the open, it seems to me that everyone is a little more relaxed. Not as on edge with being alive. 

Oh shit…things are bout to take a turn for the worst right? Now that I’m thinking about it, does Hwasa know what Christian looks like? Does Ryujin? And if so…would she give MC easily or put up a fight? Ryujin is asking waaaayyyy too many questions about MC's relationship with the family men and Hwasa is giving up too much information...I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I am starting to not trust Ryujin again. Her dinner speech had me on edge, like it was a backhanded request almost…kind of on the lines of “we’ll be cool once i’m back in my rightful place”. I could be wrong but idk, that’s the feeling I got. I’m not trusting Ryujin at all right now! What do you mean, it doesn’t matter? I swear if she was/is messing around with Christian, I’ll scream!

I mean it is possible she could have a relationship with Hwasa but I doubt that. I think it would be with someone that holds more power. Ryujin is starting to show her ass and I’m not a fan. If you were married/dating whatever with Yoongi in the past, keep that shit to yourself! Telling MC that nothing has changed or that you were the same as her…that’s just evil. Planting seeds of doubt when there really doesn’t need to be any….but if I want to play devil’s advocate, if Yoongi does truly feel something for MC he should treat her differently than how he treated Ryujin. On the other hand, he has an image to uphold, so certain styles are expected as the woman of the house.

I hope Yoongi puts a fucking bullet in Ryujin’s skull, right between her eyes! This slimy two-faced bitch! Harmless my ass! I want to reach through the screen and punch Ryujin myself! Damnit, I am so pissed off. You know MC’s history or at least a little with Christian. She knows MC wants nothing to do with him and once Yoongi finds out all bets are off. There is no respect or trust to be gained. Whatever good could have come with working together will be shot to shit cause it will be an all out war over MC.

I’m trying to think of what chapter it was but there was a part where either Yoongi or MC was trying to figure out how Christian got so much power. I know that Seokjin was a part of it but could Ryujin be too? Is there more to Seokjin that still hasn’t been uncovered yet? Once again this man is on my shit list. He knows more than he is willing to tell and Ryujin is on some kind of other shit that will backfire for sure.

Once again, I am left at the end of the chapter with so many theories and questions. I love that every character is so freaking two-faced. I never know what to expect. I'm excited to see what you whip up next and I'm prepared to scream about it. At some point I'll scream in your dms when I get the chance.

I love you and your mind!!!

Collateral 🗡️ 23: This life of death and destruction

Your ex-boyfriend gets in over his head working for the local mafia, and Boss Min has come to collect his payment: You.

But was it simply a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Or has he always had his sights on you?

🗡️ Yoongi x Female Reader x Namjoon

🗡️ word count: 13.6k

🗡️ mafia au, strangers to lovers, graphic violence, major character injury, poly, smut, angst, fluff, nsfw, explicit 21+ 

🗡️warnings: violence (a man gets stabbed in the eye, weaponized chopsticks, blood); recreational drug use & getting drunk; vomit.

🗡️note: are we ready to continue this story??? the cast of characters has doubled in size, and i think the angst & drama has multiplied, as well. i wrote this opening scene on april 20, 2023 moments after watching the Haegeum mv. it feels good to have finally built the rest of the chapter around it over a year later. this chapter is like 80% dialogue, lol sorry. we are setting up for what is to come in the rest of the fic. enjoyyy!!!

🗡️ also note: in this chapter, mc is borrowing clothing. if you are comfortable with imagining the clothing belongs to the thin kpop idols, please do. if you are not, then please don't. i am not making assumptions or allusions to body size but instead trying to paint a picture of being at the mercy of others.

🗡️ if you have not read the Yoongi POV chapter, i strongly recommend you do so before reading this.

🗡️ beta read by @neoneunnajimin

🗡️ posted sept. 2024 | read on ao3

PREVIOUS | INDEX | NEXT

“He looks hesitant,” Ryujin drawls in a bored tone. She turns to face you and her lips upturn at the edges, eyes sparkling. “Like he’s scared of what he may find when he gets here.”

The air is stiflingly hot, creating a sticky film over your skin, and your body feels heavier than it should. In this humidity, you are dizzy and agitated. More than anything, you are not ready to come face to face with the man who has caused you so much confusion and mental duress.

“Good,” you say, fighting the urge to roll your eyes. Your fingers dig into your hip bones, and you do your best not to shuffle anxiously. You do not fully believe in your conviction, but you want your performance to be believable enough that the girls don't think you're weak. “He should be.”

“Looks like he brought all the family men,” she adds, turned back to watch their approach. 

Your heart flutters suddenly, wondering whether she means Jimin is there too, unable to hide the tremble in your voice as you ask, “A-all of them?”

This time, when Ryujin faces you, her expression appears contemplative, almost sad. 

“All of them,” she confirms, causing nausea and excitement to stir. 

All you can say in response is, “Oh.”

Before you can stop yourself, your feet are carrying you forward, toward the window. You do not fully approach, not wanting to be seen, so you stop as soon as you spot them walking in the street toward the noodle shop downstairs that doubles as your hideout. 

Seven figures approach in a V formation. Six of them wear ratty dark t-shirts and khaki pants, and they hold what look like juvenile weaponry—baseball bats and chains. Over their heads are balaclavas, reminding you of Christian's men. Is it meant to taunt him, you wonder. Do they think they will find him and his men here?

Yoongi is in the center, leading the charge, with no face covering and wearing a baby blue satin bomber jacket with thick white lines down the sleeves. On the breasts of the jacket are embroidered dragon heads, reminding you of Namjoon. 

Namjoon. The thought of seeing him again, like this, makes your insides stir. You feel the urge to vomit, but you hold your ground and watch as the men approach, wearing a frown on your lips. 

When the heads disappear from sight, you turn and listen for the silence that lingers in the air, save for the thrum of your pulse. A calm before a terrible storm.

Ryujin lets out a long, loud trill of a whistle—a signal, no doubt—and you listen as the 

hideout breaks out into chaos. Men scramble through the short hallway that leads out into the open space that Yoongi and his men will soon enter. 

"No guns!" Ryujin commands as she stomps through the space toward the hallway, clad in a white tank top tucked into a short black tennis skirt and tall leather equestrian boots. "You are on the defense only. Do not harm a single hair on any of these men's bodies. Do so and you die!"

As you stand near the window, you listen to the street commotion below. Vehicles drive along the narrow roads, vendors shout while ringing bells and chimes, and in the distance, a dog barks. 

You know that you will not hear the men's approaching footfalls, but you listen for them, anyway. Yoongi and the family men only need to walk through the small dining hall of the open-air restaurant below, then up a flight of stairs. You hear nothing that might give their positions away. 

"Wanna hide?" Hwasa—the nickname of your darling friend Hyejin—asks. She rests her chin on your shoulder and loosely wraps her arms around you, engulfing you in a perfume of roses and lilies.

You shake your head and mutter, "No," watching the doorway for any movement.

Finally, heavy footfalls echo through the space, giving you goosebumps, and when you hear the sounds of shouting followed by someone running into the room, you hold your breath. 

"Fuck, fuck!" a man yells as he rounds the corner and cowers, shaking like a leaf in the wind. He seems to be patting himself down for a weapon, then he sighs and squeezes his eyes closed as he presses his back to the wall. 

"Ya!" Hwasa yells, making the man gasp. "What is it?"

"B-big Duri," the man stammers, eyes wide. He shakes his head quickly as if attempting to clear away his thoughts. 

Duri is a hulk of a man who stands watch at the top of the stairs. He is as muscular as he is tall, with a bit of softness around his belly, and his towering status has earned him the title Big Duri from the other men. One snarl from him makes men cower away in fear.

"What about him?" Hwasa asks.

"He was s-stabbed," the man says, staring at the floor. "In the f-f-fucking eye."

Hwasa drops her arms from around you and stands up straight. You open your mouth to speak but find no sound can pass your lips. 

Footfalls approach, heavy and fast. You are not sure who you expect storming in from the hallway, but for some reason, it is not Yoongi. 

He walks in assuredly like he owns the place, dark hair framing his face in waves. Clenched in his right fist are two bright red chopsticks that look like the ones served at the restaurant downstairs, and you could swear the thinner ends of them are dripping with blood. 

"Darling, let's go," Yoongi says, wide eyes fixed on you. He looks like a madman with his hair somewhat disheveled and a sheen of sweat on his throat.  

You are surprised to see Yoongi dressed as he is. Under the pastel jacket is a white tee tucked into loose-fitting blue jeans. When was the last time you saw him in blue jeans? Your first trip to Hong Kong?

You heavy-blink, breaking from the thought process, and attempt to hold steady and keep cool. But you do not feel cool. Your pulse quickens, and you worry you might faint. 

"I'm staying here," you say, voice trembling. 

You half expect Yoongi to storm over and grab you by the arm. Part of you even feels saddened when he stays where he is. 

"Darling," Yoongi says, lifting his free hand to wave you over. "I'm not asking you twice."

"How many men did you kill out there?" you ask, eyes on the chopsticks that drip blood beside his dusty white sneaker. Yoongi's arm drops to his side and he heaves a weighty sigh, shoulders falling. 

Behind Yoongi, Ryujin saunters in. She grins and stands beside Yoongi, resting her head against his shoulder as she reaches for the bloodied chopsticks in his fist, saying, "You owe me a bodyguard."

Yoongi—whose eyes never leave you—throws the chopsticks to the floor, off to the side. They clatter against the uneven wood, and you wince at the thought of blood splattering. 

He mutters, "Fine." 

With that admission, you surmise that Yoongi has, indeed, stabbed Big Duri in the eye. How he managed to do so when he is so much smaller than the man is beyond you. You would be amused by the visual of Yoongi leaping onto him like a kitten if the situation were not so infuriating. 

Slowly, Ryujin lifts her head from Yoongi's shoulder. She turns her gaze to you as she says, "She doesn't want this life, Yoongi. She told you so, herself."

"Darling," Yoongi says, seemingly ignoring Ryujin, making her roll her eyes. "I will make some changes. We will figure it out. Just come home."

You shake your head. "I told you I wanted to leave."

"You are in danger," Yoongi insists, and you scoff. For the first time since you have arrived to this dingy place, there has been no hint of violence until he turned up. 

As Yoongi sighs, his nostrils flair. You can clearly see that he has something on his mind, but he remains still and silent. 

Anger rises, and you clench your fists at your sides. This is not the reunion you expected, but you cannot say you are shocked. "I told you I no longer want this life, and the first thing you do is stab a man—a good man!"

"Darling, I—" 

"Go home," you interrupt. 

Yoongi watches you, expression cold save for a flicker of sadness in his eyes. Every nerve in your body wants to propel you forward and into his arms, but you do not want to return to the home of a maniac who attacks men with chopsticks, beautiful as that maniac may be. 

"I have told you time and again that I cannot handle this life of death and destruction! And here you are, bringing it straight to my feet. Go home, Yoongi."

Yoongi tongues the inside of his cheek, raising his eyebrows. In the doorway, you see Namjoon appear, balaclava raised to his forehead. His dark grey tee is smeared with sweat and blood, and before he can open his mouth to speak, you turn around. There is absolutely no way you will be able to keep your strength if you are forced to face any more of them. 

"She wants you to leave," Hwasa says. You are grateful for her as you hear the heels of her boots against the rickety hardwood. "Now!"

"I want to speak to her," Namjoon says, and you are surprised to hear Yoongi say, "She does not wish to speak. Come on."

As their deep, low voices mutter, tears fill your eyes. You breathe in deeply, hoping to ward them off, but as you exhale, the air comes out shattered, and you know that you are only moments away from crying. 

"Tomorrow night, we can sit down and discuss matters," Ryujin says. 

You keep your eyes on the late afternoon sky, hanging on her every word. 

"Amicably," she continues. "No weapons. No hot tempers. And you have a man en route to Busan to take Duri's place when we arrive. Deal?"

"All of us?" Namjoon asks, and you fight the edges of your lips, which curl into a sad smile. 

Ryujin sighs. "Yes, all seven of you sordid little devils. Now get the fuck out of my hideout. You gave our darling a scare and I will not have her fainting because of it. I will send you a time and place, and you will show up dressed as respectable men. Seriously, what the fuck are you guys wearing? You look like trash."

Ryujin's voice fades as she continues to berate them, footsteps retreating, and it occurs to you once more that somewhere out in the chaos is Jimin. You turn, and the movement causes Yoongi's head to lift and eyes to open wide and expectantly, standing halfway in the hallway. You were not expecting him to still be here. To your disappointment, Namjoon has already left the room.

"Is Jimin here?" you ask. 

Relief floods Yoongi's face, and he cracks a smile, nodding as he says, "Yes. Come see him."

You shake your head, blinking back the tears that threaten to fall. 

"Glad he's awake," you say. "Perhaps I will see you all tomorrow." 

Yoongi's expression turns sad, and you watch as he mouths the word perhaps before you turn your attention back to the window. The sound of his shoes retreating makes you want to throw up, and you swallow it down as a single tear streaks your left cheek. 

* * *

Ryujin lies on a large fur rug that she has pulled near the window. Atop the rug is a mess of blankets and pillows, and her limbs tangle with those of Hwasa and the other three girls. 

You sit arrow straight on the wide window sill, staring at the street below. The sky slowly darkens, illuminating the buildings with an orange glow that is exaggerated by the neon lights on each restaurant and storefront. 

"Yes, Yoongi," Ryujin says into her phone, playful irritation in her tone. "I swear to you there is nobody by that name in our ranks. Seokjin-oppa has already warned me about his possible presence."

You listen, hoping to hear traces of Yoongi's voice coming through the phone, but you know that it is hopeless; his dulcet tones do not exactly travel far even while in the same room as him. Muffled and at a distance, the notion is hopeless.

"You know," Ryujin continues, "you would have less to worry about if you hadn't stabbed my most trusty security guard in the fucking eye with a chopstick."

Her words make you wince, and you turn away from the window, staring at the empty wall opposite where Ryujin and the girls rest. The floral wallpaper is peeled in places and tinted brown from water damage, but otherwise, the space is clean and empty, save for six suitcases and the items Ryujin has brought in and strewn about for comfort. 

Outside of this room is a hallway that connects to more rooms, though you have not bothered to look into any of them, save for the bathroom, which is the first room to the right as you exit this one. Whatever this hideout was originally built for, you do not know, and you do not care, although you imagine at least one of the rooms could serve as office space for the restaurant below. 

A shrill laugh barks through the air, making you jump. You gaze over your shoulder to find Ryujin's head tilted back, eyes closed as she full-body laughs. 

"Don't be a fucking idiot," she says, opening her eyes to meet your gaze. "No scrub in clown paint is going to buy our little darling from me. Now get some sleep; we'll talk about this tomorrow evening, as promised."

Something about Ryujin calling you our little darling sends a chill along your spine, and you turn back to staring at nothing. She ends the call abruptly, and you hear as her phone clatters against the wooden floor, undoubtedly tossed aside. 

"Darling," Ryujin calls, voice soft and pretty, causing your shoulders to rise to your ears as if protecting you—from what, you are unsure. 

You swallow hard. "Hmm?"

Ryujin giggles. "Come. You're so tense. Relax with us."

She is correct that you are tense. You have been tense for days. When you got into her car at the airport, she said you would be here for two or three days, but it is going on a week, and you are tired of sleeping on rugs in a pile of bodies. You want to return to a bed. Any bed. 

As you turn to face Ryujin and the others, you are struck by a sense of homesickness and longing that makes your stomach churn. Hwasa and three slender beauties called Solar, Wheein, and Moonbyul crowd Ryujin, who sits up on her elbows, gaze fixed on you.

Hwasa's head is against Ryujin's left shoulder, near her breast, and she watches you, as well, gaze soft but pleading. Moonbyul, with her long, straight hair lightened to a pale gold blonde, has her head on Hwasa's tummy, curled in on her. The other two are resting similarly, with Solar clinging to Ryujin and Wheein clinging to Solar, long dark hair draped over limbs which are draped over more limbs clad in white cotton and black spandex. 

You watch them in their near-stillness, questioning where you would fit. Clearly, the five of them are tight. They call her mother, and she proudly dotes on them as if they are her precious children.

Ordinarily, you wait for everyone to begin dozing off, then you curl up on one of the outside edges, back turned from whichever woman is beside you. But you know that Ryujin wants you to be physically close to her—you can tell by the way she watches you.

What would physical closeness to a woman like her entail, you wonder. 

"So shy," Ryujin pouts. "So moody."

Hwasa, as if mirroring her energy, juts out her bottom lip. 

Ryujin tilts her head, studying you. "What does the lady require to help take the edge off?"

Although she is not explicitly saying so, you know that she is offering pills. Every day that you do not give in and crawl to Ryujin and her pile of women, she assumes it is due to some defect in your ability to relax. In a way, you suppose, she is correct. 

"Going home would take the edge off," you respond, voice flat and lacking all mirth.

Ryujin sighs, and her pretty, impish smile falls into a dramatic frown. "I, too, would like to go home. And I promise that we will, soon. Yoongi is convinced there is some third party attempting to track you down, and he has been insistent on weeding the man out. He seems to think that you are safest while remaining in hiding. I, however, think we are sitting ducks."

You hum and nod.

She sits up ever so slightly, causing the clinging women to shift along with her movement. "What do you think?"

What do you think? Such a simple, innocent question, yet it stirs an anger in you that is so deep, festering in the dark pits of you that are fed by lack of proper comfort and sleep. 

There is a part of you that wants to snap at Ryujin and ask whether she really cares what you think. You want to storm up to her, take her by the straps of her white tank top, and shake some sense into her while demanding she returns you to Korea at once. 

Another part of you worries that Yoongi is being too paranoid to think clearly and that he is making an already strange situation worse. You find it hard to believe Christian has weaseled his way into Taiwan and is lying in wait to pounce, if that is what the phone call just now suggests.

But, then again, you never would have imagined Christian would show up with a briefcase of money, nor did you expect to see him turning up to the mansion in the middle of the night. Still, the notion feels ridiculous. You're not in Korea anymore. 

You shrug, purse your lips as if you are thinking it over, and say, "I don't really know."

Truth be told, you are exhausted, catapulting emotionally from one extreme to another, finding it impossible to truly relax. You are not sure whether Ryujin has done anything to deserve your vitriol; she has kept you safe and fed, even if you are slowly succumbing to exhaustion-induced hysteria. 

Her history with Yoongi notwithstanding, she appears reasonable and kind. It is hard to hate her for her past when it has opened up Yoongi's arms to you—for better or worse. It is not as if you regret the time you have spent with him.

And, if you are being honest, you wonder whether the transgression between them was as simple as the men put it, or if there is more to her side of the story. Surely, she did not wake up one day and decide to betray the man she loved.

Or, perhaps, she is charming you the way Yoongi did. What better way to tame a wild beast than to uproot it from the comfort and safety it has grown accustomed to and force it into close proximity, giving it no other choice than to be grateful and eventually feel some semblance of love toward its captor. Maybe she and Yoongi have more in common than you realize.

The thought makes you snicker, and you stand, taking notice of how Ryujin lifts her chin and watches you. Hwasa stirs and sits up, causing Moonbyul to roll off of her with a groan and clench onto the pillow below her.

"Going to the bathroom," you say.

Hwasa stands as Ryujin sing-songs, "Buddy system," causing you to smile and roll your eyes. 

You are not allowed to do anything outside of this room—including taking a shit—without the accompaniment of one of the girls. Lucky for you, Hwasa is always willing and eager to be close.  

Hwasa tiptoes over and snakes an arm around your elbow, momentarily resting her head on your shoulder as the two of you walk. You have come to enjoy her company quite a bit, and you are relieved to have her here. 

While it was shocking to lay eyes on Hwasa after your plane landed in Taiwan, she was very clear and open about her circumstances, and you found it easy to trust her. According to her, Seokjin and Jimin gave her the position at Paradise knowing she was one of Ryujin's women, reminding you of Hyunjin and how he and his family were safe, after all. 

Yoongi may not have been working directly with Ryujin this entire time, but it seems that his men have been. And, judging by how comfortable he seemed with letting Ryujin touch him and boss him around earlier, you do not suspect that he harbors the same ill thoughts that he seemed to when you first encountered her all those months ago. 

You wonder what has changed. Has it been your presence in his life, or something more? After all the destruction Ryujin's team has caused Yoongi's family over the last several months, ending with Jimin in a coma, some sort of truce had to have been made. You have heard whispers of conversations, but you are curious about the specifics. It seems the woman who was at the helm of the destruction, Hyungseo, is not here. 

In due time, you think. You have no doubt Ryujin will open up to you.

As you and Hwasa leave the room and venture quietly into the hall, two armed men look up from the game of Chinese checkers that they play on the floor, and smile. They are beautiful, and you smile back, yanking your gaze away from them before you are able to make any more of an impression on either of them.

Admittedly, you are lonely. Physically, emotionally, sexually…and there is something in the gleams of their eyes that stirs you deeply, but you know that it is not them who do it for you. 

It is their eyes. They share the same piercing, knowing gaze of hunger and brutality that glimmers in the eyes of the family men. Your family men. 

"I think Yunho likes you," Hwasa teases, voice loud enough for him to undoubtedly hear, though you do not turn back to look. 

Instead, you press your palm against the cold metal door leading into the small bathroom and sheepishly ask, "Which one is he, again?"

A snicker comes from the floor, undoubtedly from Yunho's companion Seonghwa, and you turn as you enter the dimly lit room, grinning widely at your friend. The bathroom door swings shut, and the scents of toilet cleaner and bleach sting your nose. 

There are three toilet stalls in this room with mint green painted metal doors. The walls are a similar shade of green, and the yellow and white tiles on the floor are chipped in places.

You make your way to the sinks straight ahead and turn on the water, which is always cold, and run your hands under the stream. On the counter, in the corner, is a large black makeup case containing travel-sized toiletries for yourself and the rest of the women, and you open its lid and rummage around for your toothbrush and toothpaste. 

"How are you holding up?" Hwasa asks as you unscrew the cap from the toothpaste and squeeze a small dollop of its contents onto your bristles, careful not to take too much. 

You shrug, and rather than respond, raise the brush to your mouth. The mint is cloyingly sweet as it hits your taste buds, and you close your eyes, worried that its minty sting may tangle with your emotions and cause tears to well.

"Will you be joining Ryujin to meet with them for dinner tomorrow?"

Without opening your eyes, you begin to shake your head, not sure whether you can handle sitting at the same table with all of them. But then Jimin's bright, gleaming smile crosses your mind, and you shrug and nod. You may as well. 

Hwasa chuckles, and her hands rest softly on your shoulders before giving a gentle squeeze. All at once, you relax, dropping your shoulders and tipping your head forward, instinctively giving her permission to do anything she would like. 

As you finish brushing your teeth and tongue, she squeezes your muscles and rolls her thumbs in circles. You hold the small plastic brush between your teeth, feeling a dribble of frothy, minty spit roll down your lip to your chin, and you rest your palms against the counter until Hwasa lifts her hands away. 

"I suppose I should brush my teeth, too," she says with a pout in her tone, and you open your eyes to see her squirting some paste onto a matching toothbrush that she has written AH on in large letters for Ahn Hyejin. 

You spit, rinse, and spit some more, then use the inside of your sweaty black tank top to dab the moisture from the edges of your mouth. When Hwasa is finished, the two of you link arms once more and make your way out of the bathroom, ignoring Yunho and Seonghwa as you walk by. 

The rest of the girls, led by Ryujin, walk by in a fit of soft giggles, and you make your way to the pile of blankets and pillows, feeling physically exhausted despite being uncertain of whether you may actually be able to sleep. 

Hwasa follows and lies down beside you, beaming as she scoots nice and close and wraps an arm around your waist before you have a chance to roll away and face the wall. 

"Not so fast," she says, causing you to chuckle despite yourself. "You always roll away. Snore in my face for once."

Affronted, you attempt to wiggle out of her hold, surprised by how strong she is as she holds you in place. "I do not snore."

Hwasa rolls her eyes, says, "Everyone snores a little," and wiggles closer as her hold on you loosens—so close your noses nearly touch.

You feel too warm, and the scent of Hwasa's perfume mingling with her body heat stirs something inside you, filling you with the urge to flee. You are lonely, and she is beautiful and soft, and suddenly it feels as if all the air has been sucked from the room.

At a loss, you close your eyes. Whether you roll your body away or continue to face her, she will not create more distance because she cannot. As soon as the other girls return, they will pile into the bed, and you will feel the weight of ankles and wrists drape over you. 

"Good night, pretty dove," Hwasa sing-songs. 

You crack a smile, unable to hold back despite how dangerous it feels to allow yourself to be anything but stoic and collected for the time being. The nickname reminds you of Paradise and of Jimin, and you are unable to hold back. 

"Good night, Hyejin," you mutter in response, forgetting her nickname for the familiar one as her warmth and comfort lulls you fast into a sleep you did not expect to come. 

You actually feel…good.

* * *

The rattle and clanking of dishes and silverware have all of your nerves on high alert, causing your pulse to spike and your palms to sweat. You are acutely aware of the fact that at any moment, several men you miss and adore are going to come walking into the private dining room to join you, Ryujin, and Hwasa, and you are going to have to face them.

Each time a member of the serving staff enters, your eyes dart up in panic, and each time they bow apologetically, confusion painted across their features. Under the table, from your right, Hwasa grips onto your hand and mutters kind words that are lost over the pounding of your heart. 

When your trio arrived first, you were grateful. You assumed that by the time you waited on the arrival of the men, your nerves would have calmed and you would have composed yourself. 

But you were wrong. Oh, how you were wrong. 

With each passing second, your heart riots behind your ribs, quick and dizzying. You feel the urge to excuse yourself to the bathroom, but you are terrified of what it may do to Yoongi if he arrives to find that you are not sitting at this table. 

Food and drink are brought in. Large dishes covered in steaming meat, vegetables, rice, and noodles. Carafe after carafe is set down, and as you sit forward to peer into one of them, Hwasa says, "That is kaoliang. Fermented liquor from China." Your mouth begins to water, but you are not sure you are ready just yet to start drinking. 

Shadows linger outside the door to the private room, tall and wide blobs obscured by the privacy glass. Ryujin glances at her watch, mutters, "Fucking finally," and stands, causing Hwasa to stand as well. 

You remain glued to your seat. Even if you wanted to stand, you are not sure you would be able to. 

As the door slides open, your heart pounds. Seokjin enters with a smirk and a bow of his head, followed by Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung, Jeongguk, Namjoon, and finally, Yoongi. 

Jimin beams, eyes and mouth wide and happy, and he rounds the table in a rush, pushing past Ryujin, who attempts to pull him into a hug. Your eyes fill with tears, and as you finally get onto your feet, legs wobbling beneath you, the tears spill, streaking your cheeks. 

You stumble and crash into the papered wall from the force of Jimin's hug, elbow scraping and stinging, but you do not care. Jimin smells and feels so familiar, and you sob in his arms, burying your face into his black lapel and letting out a deep, shattered breath.

"Oh my god," you manage to mutter against his shoulder, and he tries to loosen the hug to hear you speak, but you shake your head like a petulant child and pull him closer, refusing to let go. "I was so scared, Jimin. I thought I might never— I've missed you so much."

Voices greet one another, and chairs scrape across the floor, signaling that the others have begun to find their seats. This time, when Jimin begins to release the hug, you allow him, dropping your hands from his shoulders but holding them loosely around his hips.

Jimin's eyes are glassy with tears, and hair is slightly longer, almost grown out into a mullet. For the first time since you have met him, it is brown, and you mutter, "Nice hair," while doing your best to smile widely despite still crying. 

He grimaces at you, lifting his hands to thumb away the moisture under your eyes. Then he leans in, kisses the tip of your nose, and says, "All better, dove."

"Thank you," you whisper, sound lodged in your throat, then you release Jimin for good and pivot to take your seat, taking a deep breath before allowing your eyes to fall on the rest of the men. 

To your surprise and dismay, you find Ryujin sitting across from you with her eyebrows raised and a sharp, devious smile playing on her lips. To her left is Hwasa, and to her right is Jeongguk. You do not need to look to see that Yoongi and Namjoon have taken the seats on either side of you because of course, they have. Where else would they be?

But you do look. You sweep the sprawling rectangular table, starting with Namjoon at your left, then Hoseok, with Seokjin at the far end, where you anticipated Yoongi might sit. Past Seokjin is Taehyung, then Jeongguk, then Ryujin, who is leaning to the side and whispering something to Hwasa, whose hand reaches to where Jimin sits on the other far end. 

Jimin inspects Hwasa's rings and nails, dainty fingers tracing delicate lines. When she turns back to look at him, there are tears in her eyes, and you realize belatedly that she has missed him, as well. Of course, she has.

You do not look at Yoongi, gaze ending with Jimin. Yoongi clears his throat, causing Ryujin to stand, and—feeling uncomfortable with also standing while she speaks—you quickly have a seat. 

Ryujin bows her head, hair pulled in a tight bun at the back of her head. She, matching Hwasa, wears a black suit with a white silk blouse, blending in with the black suits and black satin undershirts the men wear. You are the odd one out in a sleek black evening gown; Ryujin was insistent. At least it, too, is satin. 

"Gentlemen," Ryujin says, and all at once, the men stand, bow their heads, and sit, including Yoongi, who scoots in close beside you. "Thank you for joining us tonight. I trust you have found us a replacement bodyguard?"

Yoongi hums a gruff, low note, and you are acutely aware of his presence by your side. His scent—earthy and musky, ever so slightly tinged with citrus—sneaks past the savory blend of food smells and floods your senses. You swallow a lump of trepidation that has crept its way to your throat. 

"First of all, I would like to thank you for trusting me with taking care of our little darling," Ryujin says, turning to look at Seokjin. She remains standing. "As you are all aware, things between Yoongi and I have not always been easy. But, moving forward, I would like for all of us to remain amicable."

At this, Ryujin's eyes land on Yoongi. She appears fierce and ruthless in the way she looks down at him, lips upturned as if to show that she is enjoying this position of power. 

You glance from the corner of your eye to find that Yoongi peers back up at her, sitting tall on the edge of his seat. His expression is blank, as is to be expected. There is a long pause during which you wish someone would speak or move to eat or drink—anything to cut through the tension.

Finally, Yoongi folds his arms over his chest and sits back, shifting his weight in a more relaxed position. He clears his throat, and you turn your gaze to the piles of meats, vegetables, noodles, and rice. 

It sounds as if Yoongi attempts more than once to speak but struggles to find the words. At this, Namjoon sits forward, pulling your attention to the left, and he asks, "May I?"

Ryujin's face lights up. "Of course, Joonie-oppa. The floor is yours."

"Firstly, thank you for your hospitality. The hideout was certainly difficult to locate—"

Ryujin snickers. At this, Jeongguk stands, facing her, "Look, noona, if you would have answered your phone, we never would have shown up there with—"

"Sit down," Ryujin snaps, turning a playful but intense glare on Jeongguk, whose mouth snaps shut as he takes his seat. Beside him, Taehyung snickers. "I didn't answer my phone because I wanted to converse with her before making any choices, and you idiots acted irrationally."

At the word her, Ryujin lifts her hand and gestures to you, momentarily pulling your gaze. Although you do not glance around, you are certain that all heads turn to look your way, causing you to shift uncomfortably in your seat while you begin watching droplets of condensation streak your water glass.  

"Pardon us for being concerned," Yoongi responds, voice tense and pained. 

This seems to quell whatever emotion that has Ryujin acting defensive, and she slowly takes her seat and reaches for the bottle of kaoliang. All seem to be waiting for her response, and she takes her time lifting her glass to her lips and sitting back in her chair. 

"Nobody faults you for being concerned, oppa. But you need to be more considerate of the reason she has come to me in the first place."

Yoongi must open his mouth to speak once more because Ryujin lifts her hand to stop him before she continues. 

"Yes, I know that you are concerned for her safety, especially in the wake of some mysterious man from her past showing up out of nowhere. But she was already planning on leaving for mental health reasons. So maybe storming in with chopsticks blazing is not the wisest way to reunite with someone who is already shell-shocked from all the other bullshit she has had to witness."

"Some of the bullshit was at the hands of your people," Namjoon interjects. 

Ryujin levels her gaze on him. "The most heinous bullshit, I would imagine. And as you can see, Hyungseo is not present. I am dealing with her, and Seokjin, Yoongi, and I have already discussed ways I can help with harm reduction."

Your gaze moves to the right, to Jimin, and you are surprised to find he is already looking at you. You smile, unable to stop the tears that form from how relieved you are that he is alright. 

"I know that trust has been tarnished between our families, and that myself and my girls have taken things too far," Ryujin admits. "I sent my people out to scare you, and they did so much more than that. I will never stop feeling sorry for what has happened. Not a night has gone by that I have not been filled with regret over someone so precious to all of us becoming seriously injured."

Ryujin lifts an arm, reaches over Hwasa, and holds out her hand to Jimin. He takes it without hesitation. 

"He could have died," Jeongguk says, brows knit in a frown. 

Ryujin sighs. "I know this, Ggukie. And I am so, so sorry. I am determined to quash any bad blood and begin earning your respect. Tomorrow we leave for Busan. Once we are all back home, Serendipity will be opened for a night of drinking, drugs…whatever you heathens do."

To your surprise, many of the men snicker, amused. 

"Seokjin and Hoseok already have a security team on standby so that you are not only relying on my people to keep you safe," Ryujin continues. "The era of family feuding is over. I am happy with my little piece of the peninsula, and I want drug operations to continue in a way that is lucrative for both of us. We will remain your first line of defense in the harbor, and in return, all that I ask is that we get free reign in Seoul to come and go."

Yoongi clears his throat. "If Sunmi-noona will accept the offer, she can be your liaison in the city once more."

At this, a mischievous smirk tugs on Ryujin's lips. She gives Jimin's hand a squeeze before releasing it, then raises both elbows to the table to cradle her chin in her hands. "Tell me, oppa. Why does Sunmi-unnie spit at my feet whenever I mention your name?"

Yoongi says nothing. 

Rather than press him, she winks, then reaches for a large metal spoon and begins to fill her dish. Everyone hesitates, and it is Jeongguk who breaks the tension and follows suit, scooping food onto Taehyung's plate and causing the others to act in kind. You sit still, unsure whether you have an appetite. 

"Darling?" Yoongi asks at the same time two fingers gently caress the back of your arm. 

Your evening gown is a form-hugging halter top with a low back, leaving your skin open to soft, delicate assaults like the ones Yoongi likes to conduct in gentle motions. You flinch but try not to pull your arm away, worried about hurting his feelings.

Yoongi chuckles softly. "Are you not hungry?"

You shake your head but mutter, "I don't know."

"Should I have sat elsewhere?" he asks. He shifts as if he is looking over and around you, and you imagine he is speaking nonverbally to Namjoon. 

The room is too bright, the food and cologne smells are too numerous, and the sounds of voices and silverware and porcelain are too loud. You raise your shoulders to your ears, then turn toward Yoongi, still unable to meet his eye as you ask, "Can we talk somewhere else?"

Yoongi stands, says, "Excuse us for just a moment," and waits for you. 

As you stand, you catch Ryujin's eye. She appears concerned and places her palms on the table as if ready to stand and defend you. 

You nod and say, "We'll be right back," and watch as she relaxes. 

A warm palm presses against your lower back, and Yoongi guides you toward the door, out into a small hallway, and to the left. The restaurant's main dining hall is to the right, and you are thankful to walk in the opposite direction, not sure whether you can handle another person's eyes on you. 

Yoongi walks into an empty private dining room, switches on the light, and holds out his arm for you to enter. As you step inside, you hear him conversing softly with who you assume to be an employee, and then he joins you, closing the door behind him.

As you stand and face the large, empty dining room, you expect Yoongi to touch you or prod you into speaking. Perhaps you expect him to beg you to return home. Instead, he seems to be waiting.

After only a handful of seconds, you decide you cannot take it anymore. Every ounce of you yearns for Yoongi, and knowing he is so close and being so patient has you reeling. You turn and quickly step toward him, reaching for his lapels and burying your face against his chest. He smells like home, and as he wraps his arms around you, warmth fills your chest, and you begin to cry.

"I'm sorry," you say. "I'm sorry I had to leave. I miss you, Yoongi, but I can't stand being there. I can't do it."

"Shh," Yoongi whispers, lips pressing to your temple, causing you to cry harder. It has only been a week, and yet you feel as if you have been away from him for so long. 

"I'm sorry we keep creating distance. I don't know how to make it work out. I'm so scared, Yoongi." You are fumbling, mouth on autopilot, dredging up each time you and Yoongi were apart, feeling somehow responsible for everything despite knowing you have always only done your best. 

"Yesterday was a mistake," Yoongi says, peppering kisses from the crown of your hair to your cheek and back up. "I was terrified and not in my right mind. You left in a frenzy, and then there was that letter, and it all been very confusing—"

You sniffle loudly, letting out a sound that halfway sounds like a laugh. "Oh my god, the letter. I'm so sorry."

Yoongi chuckles, gently grabs your shoulders, and pries you away from his chest. You allow him to move you, and you stand straight but keep your eyes on his black satin shirt. You do not want to see his scar or the pretty way in which his eyes downturn when he is sad. 

His voice is soft and conspiratorial as he says, "I almost killed Seokjin after I found it."

With wide, surprised eyes, you look up, unable to hold back any longer. Yoongi's smile is loving and big, and his eyes sparkle with happiness, making your stomach roil with uncertainty. His scar is still so red against his soft skin, but it adds so much to his allure and beauty.

"I was under the impression you were running away with Barom, what with the timing of it all. You packed a bag, left behind all of our gifts, and disappeared into the night the moment he arrived."

Despite Yoongi's high spirits, you shake your head somewhat desperately. "I wrote it earlier that day, thinking I might run away a night or two later. I was scared that if I said goodbye, I wouldn't be able to leave." Tears build once more, and your body goes limp, hanging against the weight of Yoongi's hands. "Yoongi, I'm so—"

"Alright, no more sorries," Yoongi says, pressing against your shoulders enough to signal that he would like you to stand up and get your shit together. "Seokjin explained your conversations and motives to us already, and I have long since forgiven the both of you. I understand why you felt you had to sneak away. Remember when I went missing in Hong Kong? I was also in the midst of a mental health crisis, darling. I have no hard feelings."

You straighten out and search Yoongi's eyes for any hint of dishonesty, but all you find is a soft, loving gaze looking back at you. With a relieved sigh, you step forward and wrap your arms around him, pressing the side of your cheek against his chest and listening to the steady beat of his heart. 

"I love you," you say, feeling the words fill you with warmth. 

Yoongi drapes one arm over your shoulders and rests his other hand against the back of your head. "I love you, too," he says. "And if you need time and space, I will give it to you. Despite everything, I trust the girls to take good care of you."

"Is it weird?" you ask, pulling out of the hug and stepping back only far enough to see Yoongi's face. His only response is to raise one eyebrow. "Being around her again, I mean. Was she always so bossy?"

Yoongi chuckles and shakes his head. "I suppose it is a little weird, but we were friends first and foremost, and being friendly with her again feels easy. She has not always been that bossy, per se, but she has always been strong-willed enough to face all seven of us down the way she did tonight."

This makes you laugh, and you lean into Yoongi once more, tilting your head to press your lips to his throat, just under his chin. 

"Thank you," you say. Yoongi hums, and you add, "For giving me time and space. For being understanding. That night was a fucking mess, and I have been really scared for what the aftermath may look like."

"No hard feelings," Yoongi repeats. "As long as you are happy."

All at once, you are flooded with myriad thoughts. Are you happy? This last week, while being more or less calm on your nerves, has also been lonely and strange. Would you feel better if you cut your losses and went back home to your men, where everything felt familiar again? Could you cycle through medications until finding the magical cocktail that would allow you to be whole again?

No, you think. Probably not. 

"Are you sure?" you ask, voice soft and uncertain. "I don't know how long I might need. I can't promise—"

Yoongi kisses your forehead, pressing his lips slowly as he hums. He says, "I'm sure. We can figure it out one day at a time."

With everything out in the open, your stomach pangs with hunger. You smile and ask, "Can we go eat now?" and you are delighted when Yoongi smiles with relief and says, "Yes, of course."

With his thumbs, Yoongi rubs below your eyes. His hands linger on your cheeks, and you expect him to lean forward and kiss you, but he drops his hands a beat later, then grabs onto one of yours and asks, "Shall we?"

Yoongi leads the two of you back to the dining room, and as you enter, you are pleased to find the entire table has erupted into pleasant conversation. Jeongguk's arm is draped over Ryujin's chair while Hwasa emphatically tells them a story, and Jimin is leaning close, listening with his chin propped onto his hands. 

Taehyung is explaining something while glancing between Namjoon, Seokjin, and Hoseok, and as you and Yoongi round the table and return, nobody acknowledges the two of you until you take a seat and Namjoon—eyes still on Taehyung—gently places a hand on your knee. 

It is only when you begin to reach for half-empty bowls of food that Namjoon takes your plate in his hand that you realize how long it has been since the two of you have spoken. You are once again overwhelmed with emotion and fight the urge to say sorry a hundred more times. 

Instead, he points with a large metal spoon and says, "Both of these dishes have a tangy garlic sauce, but this one is a bit more spicy."

"I'd like to try both," you say, watching as Namjoon spoons a heap of chicken with vegetables onto your dish, followed by a heap of tofu and peanuts with vegetables in a slightly redder sauce full of chopped red peppers. 

As Namjoon sets your plate in front of you, you reach with your long metal chopsticks with the intent to gather some noodles from a dish that is across from Yoongi, out of Namjoon's reach. However, Yoongi takes the dish and begins to scoop some onto a smaller plate for you, and you sit back with a smile and wait for him to finish. 

"Still having those dreams?" Namjoon asks.

You know in an instant that he is referring to the dream that you wrote about in your letter, and you feel silly as you bite your bottom lip and nod. 

"That has to be really stressful," he says, reaching for a pitcher of water to fill his empty glass. 

You smile sadly, imagining his white shirt filling with blood. It is stressful, but— "On the plus side, I get to see you."

As you lift your gaze to meet Namjoon's, his furrowed brow and wilted frown gently lift, not quite into a smile, but at least something a bit more relaxed. 

"Hi," you say softly, taking in Namjoon's familiar, beautiful face.

His smile widens, creasing his cheeks with dimples. He mutters, "Hey, you," and the soft, dulcet tone of his voice fills your chest with warmth. 

You open your mouth to tell him that you love him. That you miss him. That you're sorry for leaving. So, so sorry. 

But Ryujin loudly asks, "Caviar?" pulling the attention of everyone at the table. 

Behind her, waitstaff hold new plates, and everyone nods in agreement before continuing their conversations. And although you could pour your heart out now, Hoseok steals Namjoon's attention away, and you decide the moment has passed.

Food and drink continue to appear in waves, and suddenly, you are tipsy and full and tired. Namjoon stands to walk around the table and have a quiet conversation with Ryujin, and Jimin seizes the opportunity to steal his seat. He and Jeongguk discuss business operations at Paradise while you rest your head against his shoulder and close your eyes listening to the sound of his voice. He is alive. He is awake. 

He speaks slower, and there is a rough quality to his voice that was not present before. It seems to take him more time to process what is said to him, and he reacts as if on a delay. But he is here and alive and awake. 

Only when more kaoliang is poured, and Ryujin raises a toast do you sit up and take your cup. You barely hear what she shouts, booze and excitement slurring her speech, but you make out the words together, family, and happy, and you tap your small glass against as many as you can reach before shooting the strong liquid down.

A large, warm hand rests on your right knee, and as you set down your empty glass, you turn to find Yoongi watching you, glassy-eyed with a smile on his lips. You attempt to smile back but instead, swallow thickly and search for something to say. Luckily, he speaks first.

“Do you have any idea how difficult it has been without you at home?” Yoongi’s gaze becomes pained but remains soft, tugging at your heart. 

And although the sentiment is sweet, you are unable to ignore the impossibility of his question. In fact, for some inexplicable reason—you suppose you must blame the alcohol—you become somewhat annoyed.

You ask, “How could I possibly know that? And anyway, don't you have your hands full as it is?”

Across the table, Jeongguk snickers. It takes Yoongi a second to react, and you are glad when the corners of his lips raise into another smile, even if just for a second. 

“Being around those girls has made you sassier than you were before, darling,” he mutters under his breath. 

You roll your eyes. “It has only been a week, darling.”

Leaning close, elbows on the table, Yoongi lowers his voice and says, “It only took me about a week to begin wearing you down.”

Arousal stirs from the tone of his voice, but so does your stomach. Being kidnapped and worn down is not exactly a topic that you delight in discussing. You must not show your dissatisfaction, however, because Yoongi leans in close and presses a soft, warm kiss against your cheek. 

As the raucous dinner comes to an end and you begin to wish everyone a safe trip home, Jeongguk finally approaches. You have been holding back the urge to kick him in the shin all night, feeling somewhat scorned by his lack of attention. 

"So you're going to stay with the girls?" he asks, standing close enough to wrap you in an embrace but keeping his arms to his sides.

You nod and find it hard to hold his eye contact, looking down at his satin-clad shoulder instead. Jeongguk lifts a hand and delicately places two fingers under your chin, tilting your head until you look him in the eyes. The contact of his skin against yours sends an electric current through you, and you shiver. 

"Call me if you need anything. I can be to Busan in a matter of hours."

Sheepishly, you glance down again and mutter, "I don't have anyone's number anymore."

Jeongguk drops his hand, turns to the left, and says, "Seokjin-hyung! What the fuck, man?"

Arguing ensues, but you are too distracted by Namjoon wrapping his arms around your side and pressing his lips to your neck. Suddenly, your bones are jelly, and you stumble to the right, leaning your weight against his embrace. Yoongi joins, taking your chin in his hand in a similar fashion to Jeongguk, and tilting your lips against his. 

"We'll be ready whenever you are," Namjoon insists, lips grazing over your skin. "Whatever you need…please don't shut us out."

Somewhere behind Namjoon, Seokjin shouts, "Yah! I'll upload everyone to her contact list. Quit fussing!"

"Okay," you mutter while smiling against Yoongi's retreating mouth, unable to find anything more substantial to say despite it all lying in wait at the tip of your tongue all night. 

"We miss you," Yoongi says, pressing another kiss against your temple. "But we can wait if that is what you need."

Tears well and you fight the urge to sob. Not here, you tell yourself. Not now. You have already cried so much.

You hug everyone, even Seokjin and Hoseok. Jeongguk attempts to play it cool, but he stares at your lips the entire time, and you practically beg him to kiss you before ultimately letting him walk away. Jimin litters your cheeks and temples with loud, wet smooches, causing you to giggle and shriek. 

Taehyung asks about your medication, making your heart ache from his kindness. You briefly inform him that you have been having no dizzy spells, and he promises to send you more medication as soon as you are in Busan. 

Finally, Namjoon and Yoongi pull you into another three-way hug and take turns kissing your lips, cheeks, and forehead. They mutter soft, sweet phrases that you only make out the tones of, feeling the whooshing of your pulse as you begin to question whether you are making a huge mistake and should just grab your shit and go home. 

And then, all waving and clambering out the door haphazardly, they are gone, and the room is quiet. 

You sigh and glance around at the dregs of food and alcohol, feeling simultaneously full and empty in more ways than one. Tears fill the edges of your eyes, and you do your best not to blink, worried that any movement will cause them to spill. 

Ryujin sighs loudly. "Alright, well, this was fun and all, but I want to get fucking laid. You girls down for a night on the town?"

You glance down at your outfit, ready to complain, only you look good enough to go to a nightclub and find you have nothing to say to the contrary. You even wear a pair of cozy black ballet slippers, which you slid on while feeling unsure whether you could handle so many tumultuous emotions while wearing heels, and for that, you are grateful. 

"Sure," you utter while turning to Hwasa, who has a drunk but devious grin tugging on her lips. Her smile widens and she claps excitedly.

The drive to the nightclub is long, and you are exhausted by the time you arrive, having been fading in and out of a stupor. You feel more drunk than you had earlier, and you are tempted to suggest taking a cab back to the hideout alone. Of course, that would never fly. You can already hear Ryujin singing buddy system in your head.

Hwasa eagerly pulls you from the back of the car and chuckles as she rubs her fingertips along the edge of your hairline and says, "Poor sleeping beauty. We'll get you something that will wake you up, okay?"

You respond with a halfhearted smile and nod, and she takes your hand in hers and yanks you to the door, not bothering to stop for the security guard who, to your surprise, makes no move to stop you either. Inside, loud bass-heavy club music plays, and you are led through a series of hallways until you enter a large room full of the rest of Ryujin's girls and a group of men. 

The room is dark and somewhat hazy, lit by strips of purple lights along the ceiling and floor. Short two or three-person sofas line the mirrored walls and are dispersed throughout the space, most of which are occupied. On tables set beside each sofa are bottles of champagne and piles of cocaine, with glasses large and small scattered throughout and topped with small lamps that emit very little light.

Ryujin approaches a man sitting amidst the chaos by himself, sitting hunched over with his elbows on his knees, thumbing through his cell phone. You are curious whether these men are people she knows, and you watch to see how familiar she is with the lone man, but Hwasa steps in your line of vision and takes your chin in both of her hands. 

"Coke?" she asks. 

You want to say no, proud of yourself for being off the shit for as long as you have been away from home. But you are certain that without it, you will not survive this night, so you nod and allow yourself to be tugged further into the room, to an unoccupied table. 

"Don't worry, this is from our stash," Hwasa says as she picks up a discarded rolled-up 100-dollar Taiwanese bill and tightens it between her finger and thumb. "Moon and Solar were in charge of overseeing the distribution process."

You mutter, "How generous," doing your best to smile, and watch as Hwasa snorts a small pile into one nostril and then the other. When she hands the bill to you, you take in a deep, slow breath, and let it out, then lean forward to snort from the edge of the pile first into your left nostril and then your right.

As you let the bill fall to the table and tip your head back, sniffing in again on each side, you ask, "Does Ryujin know these men?"

"Mmhmm," Hwasa hums as she fills two glasses with champagne and hands one to you. "A few of these guys worked at Paradise while I was there, and some of them are from Serendipity. Maybe you know them."

"Oh," you say, pulling the glass to your lips but stopping to ask, "How did they end up here?"

Hwasa purses her lips and tilts her head, making a show of how hard she is trying to conjure the answer to your question. Then her eyes widen and she says, "Oh! Some guy started to come around to Serendipity and just sort of gathered the rest of these guys up as, like, a posse. I don't really know what they do, to be honest, but they always dress up in matching suits and cover their faces, which is creepy as hell."

Your stomach tenses, and you feel too anxious to turn your head to the left and figure out who Ryujin is talking to. Although you know that there is absolutely no way in hell it is Christian, something about the description of the men reminds you of his men, and you begin to wonder whether there really was credence to Yoongi's worry surrounding the possibility of Christian being on this island.

"What's his name?" you ask, voice barely loud enough to be heard over the music. 

"Hmm?" Hwasa asks into her champagne glass as she leans closer. 

You begin to glance over to where Ryujin and the man are, but your heart pounds so hard, you worry you might be sick if you see him. 

"The man who gathered all the guys, from Serendipity, " you say, leaning closer. 

"What's his name?"

"Oh," Hwasa says, taking a slow slip of her champagne while her wide, dark eyes stare past you. She blinks owlishly, then pulls the glass from her lips and says, "He has a nickname…Insanity? Something like that."

Unable to stop yourself, your head flies to the left, searching the features of the man whose lap Ryujin has claimed with her legs. His nose is sharp and somewhat hooked, and it is not a familiar shape. Worried, you glance around the room, but there is no sign of Christian, as far as you can tell. 

"Something the matter?" Hwasa asks, touching fingertips to your arm and making you nearly drop your glass of champagne. 

You must look frantic when you turn back to her, based on the fear that pulls at her pretty features. You blink and wet your lips, shaking your head. Unconvincingly, judging by the way her brows knit and she continues to stare at you. 

"I just..." you swallow thickly and glance around the room once more, slowly scanning every face you can see. "I just thought he sounded familiar."

Hwasa makes a small sound, and you scan several more faces before returning your gaze to her and asking, "Huh?"

"It's just," she says, uncertain, "well, I heard he was previously working on Jeongguk's team, back when he was a drug runner. So…maybe he is familiar?"

Something is not adding up. Although Seokjin mentioned that he has kept Christian around to do whatever he pleases, it seems odd that he would be known to these women as someone who was once part of Jeongguk's team. As you recall from the day you were taken to the mansion, he did not seem to perform his drug-running duties to Yoongi's liking. Did Seokjin keep him on Jeongguk's team even after that day? Could he have had something to do with the group of men Jeongguk massacred with kunai knives for fucking him over?

You stare at your glass of champagne trying to make all the pieces fit, but it feels like you are missing a huge chunk of information. 

Hands touch your shoulders, causing you to jump. You mutter, "Shit," under your breath at the same time Ryujin's high, somewhat mocking laughter fills your left ear. 

"So sorry to scare you, pretty darling," she slurs, sounding quite inebriated. 

"Don't worry about it," you say, attempting to loosen your posture. Ryujin's hands remain on your shoulders and you do not want her to feel how tense you are. But then she squeezes your shoulders and you close your eyes, this time succeeding in relaxing. 

"How do you feel after such an emotional dinner?"

"Good," you respond while her thumbs circle over your muscles. You wonder whether she is the reason Hwasa always gives massages. Or perhaps it is the other way around. "And, I don't know. I guess also conflicted. Homesick."

Ryujin's hands fall away and she rests her chin on your left shoulder, loosely wrapping her arms around yours and pinning yours to your sides. Hwasa busies herself pouring a third glass of champagne. 

"You really like them, hmm?" Ryujin asks. 

"Yeah," you say, possibly too quiet for how loud the music in this room is. "Most of them, anyway."

The last part is a joke. You like Seokjin and Hoseok just fine, but you are certainly not as close to them as you are to the others. Taehyung, too, for that matter, although he has had the pleasure of watching his boyfriend rail you, which has formed its own kind of bond between the two of you. 

"What is your relationship with the guys?" she asks. 

Hwasa hands her a glass, and she releases her hold on you and takes it, muttering a soft, "Thank you." 

You turn to face Ryujin. Although you still hesitate to become too close to her, you do feel comfortable in her presence, all things considered. If Yoongi is willing to trust her again, then perhaps you should be, too. 

"Yoongi, Namjoon, and I are a thing." After a pause, you add, "And…sort of Jeongguk."

Ryujin's mouth falls open and she gasps. "I need to know more!"

You feel your cheeks become hot, and you pick up your glass of champagne, which Hwasa has filled. But rather than explain, you ask something that has been on your mind for a while.

"Before, when you and Yoongi were together, was Namjoon…" Unsure how to finish the sentence, you trail off. Luckily, Ryujin knows just what you mean. 

She nods. "Yes. Romantically, those two have always been the closest. Namjoon and I were never super physical. We were just very, very comfortable around one another because of Yoongi."

Interesting. You suppose this makes sense, remembering a conversation between you and Jimin a while back when he told you about how marrying Ryujin was a means to an end more than anything else. 

"Yoongi and I were meant to bring two families together. And, don't get me wrong, we were physically and emotionally attracted to one another. But we also had more fulfilling relationships on the side. For Yoongi, it was Namjoon."

"And for you?" you ask before you can stop yourself. 

Ryujin smiles wide, but then it falls to a frown. She shakes her head. "Doesn't matter. Nobody you know."

You nod and accept her answer. You suppose that perhaps the two of you are not that close, yet. In tandem, you and Ryujin raise your glasses to drink. But then she yells, "Oh!" and you startle enough to nearly spill your champagne onto yourself. "Jeongguk, though! What happened with him?"

You tip your head back and chug the rest of your bubbly. It is truly miserable to drink quickly, and you instantly regret your decision, feeling the carbonation sloshing around in your guts. 

"We, uh…" you begin, feeling shy. Why do you feel shy?

"You should see those two," Hwasa interjects, causing your face to heat even more. "They bicker like children but then circle one another like feral animals. I can only imagine their chemistry behind closed doors."

Affronted, your mouth falls wide. "We what? No we do not!"

Hwasa nods, grinning. "Yes, you do! I thought the two of you were fucking for sure when I first started working for Jimin. I was shocked to learn Jeongguk was with Taehyung and you were with Yoongi."

"And Namjoon," Ryujin supplies. 

Hwasa's grin widens. 

You raise your hands to your face as if to hide. This day has been exhausting, and these two are giggling at your expense like a couple of school girls. 

"Oh, stop," Hwasa says as one of your hands is tugged down from your face. You open just the one eye, keeping the other closed tight behind your palm. "Everyone wants a piece of your ass. Don't be shy about it! Embrace it."

With a sigh, you shake your head. "Not everyone," you groan, feeling defensive.

"Everyone with eyes," Ryujin says, waggling her eyebrows while Hwasa makes kissy noises. "I would shoot my shot if you weren't already so taken."

Hwasa nods and says, "Me too!"

Suddenly, it is too warm and too loud in here. "I need a stronger drink!" you declare, making both women laugh. 

You take a step back and turn, moving in autopilot toward the door before realizing you have no idea where you are nor where a bar in this building is. 

Ryujin takes your right hand and yanks you gently back, sing-songing, "Ah, ah, ah, not by yourself."

"Alright," you concede, interlocking your fingers with hers. As you begin to walk toward the exit, your left hand is engulfed and you glance to find Hwasa is coming along. 

You exit the mirrored room and turn right, taking a dark hallway about halfway and then turning right once more, through a thick black curtain that is guarded by two men on the other side. There is a bar directly to the right, and Ryujin tugs you to the counter and orders a bottle of whiskey that you do not catch the name of. 

With a nod, the bartender grabs an unopened bottle from a high shelf and then delicately stacks three medium-sized glasses. Hwasa takes the glasses, Ryujin takes the whiskey, and your hands remain held by both of theirs. 

Back in the mirrored room, you return to the table off to the right, toward the back. The girls release your hands to pour three drinks, and you fidget by pinching the satin of your skirt between your thumbs and knuckles, suddenly feeling antsy. 

"Cheers," Ryujin declares as she slides a drink in front of you. You take it, hold it up, and tap it against their glasses, then pull it to your lips and smell the strong, bittersweet liquid before taking a sip. 

The potent, boozy caramel flavor that you have come to expect is accented by a hint of something earthy, possibly wood. You take a bigger drink, hold it on your tongue, allowing your taste buds to open and fully experience the onslaught as they adjust, and then you swallow it down. 

"Tomorrow, we return to Busan," Ryujin says for the second time tonight as the whiskey flows down into your chest, filling you with warmth. You look forward to being at a proper home rather than on some random floor in a balmy, empty building. 

"I'm looking forward to seeing your home," you say, sounding far more meek than you intend to.

"I'm looking forward to hosting you."

Hwasa leans her elbows on the table and says, "You finally get to have your own room. That is, of course, unless you want to stay with me."

The playful smile on Hwasa's face, paired with her tired and intoxicated bloodshot eyes is almost enough to make you melt. Almost enough to make you follow her into any room she wants to lead you into. 

When you shrug and say, "Honestly, I may be too lonely to sleep alone," you are being brutally honest, and not all all flirtatious. 

"I can even decorate it like your room in the mansion," Ryujin says. "Is it still yellow?"

Her words halt your movement of lifting your glass back to your lips. "How did you know that?"

Ryujin rolls her eyes and says, "Please, nothing about that man has changed, down to the way he likes to outfit you. It's exactly as it was seven years ago."

Bile swirls around in your tummy, and you set the glass down on the mirrored table with a clank that is louder than you intend. Could that be true? Is Yoongi really outfitting you in the same fashion he was outfitting her all those years ago. 

Hwasa clicks her tongue against the roof of her mouth and swats at Ryujin's arm, muttering, "Mother, don't say things like that to her," under her breath. 

You shake your head, determined to not show how strange the information makes you feel. But Ryujin turns, pouts dramatically, and wraps her arms around you. 

"Oh, sweetie, I don't mean to suggest he was trying to turn you into a second me. He just seems to have the same tastes and fashion sense, is all. Trust me, he loves you way more than he could ever love me. I can tell."

You have no idea whether Ryujin is being truthful or trying to make you feel better, but you decide that either way, you see no use in dwelling on it. You are going to be living under her roof for the foreseeable future, and becoming upset whenever she says something a little too blunt, snippy, or insensitive is not going to get you anywhere. 

With a nod, you say, "I know. Don't worry." But it only makes her squeeze you tighter. 

"Just look at his bullshit excuse for taking you home with him," she says. "Collateral, my ass."

What an odd statement. You ask, "What do you mean?" But what you really mean to say is what do you know?

"The man takes you as so-called payment from your ex but then spends millions of dollars on a wardrobe, an armored vehicle, the most lavish birthday party in all of Seoul. Make it fucking make sense!"

Ryujin releases the hug, and as soon as you are free, you slam back your whiskey and pick up the 100-dollar bill, squeezing it tighter into a tube. Ryujin whoops and claps as you lean close and snort from the edge of the cocaine pile into your left nostril and then your right. 

"Mommy needs some, too," she says as she takes the bill from your hand and leans forward. 

You tip your head back and raise a knuckle to each nostril, sniffing deeply to make sure none of the drug is stuck inside your nose cavity, then you stand up straight, stretching your back by pushing forward your chest, and reach for the bottle of whiskey. 

"Partying so hard without me?" a male voice asks from behind you, and you nearly drop the bottle. 

The tone, the accent, and the cadence all confirm your fears are true.

"Christian?" you mutter as you spin, and you almost do not believe your eyes. 

From the expression he wears and the way his gaze falls to the floor, eyes widening as they lift to your face, you wager he also cannot believe his. 

Christian steps forward and you take a step back, elbow hitting the table and causing you to grip tighter to the bottle of whiskey. 

"Barom-oppa!" Ryujin shouts as she pounces on Christian, wrapping her arms around his neck. 

"Hey there, dearie," he says, lifting his arms to return the hug, never taking his eyes off you. 

Christian looks somewhat normal compared to the last time you saw him, with a white and red floral button-up tucked into black slacks, and a black leather blazer. His hair has some product in it to give it a slightly messy style, falling in front of his eyes, and he wears minimal makeup. 

But there is a darkness to him. Smudges around the eyes rather than clean lines, tattoos on his throat and neck. On his left hand, he wears a black leather driving glove, and across his nose is a red scuff, as if he has been punched. Under the rich musk that fills the air around him, you sense the stale smell of cigarette smoke, and he has silver hoops in his ears and one in his left nostril. 

A lot has changed about Christian in the months since you have known him. 

Ryujin releases their hug and takes a step back, causing Christian to look down at himself and rub his hands down the front of his jacket as if her tiny body could have somehow managed to do anything to the leather. Then he stands up straight and shakes his head to the side just enough for his hair to move out from in front of his eyes, and you realize that his left eye is completely white. Is it…missing? 

"Oh my god, your eye!" you shout, lunging forward before you can stop yourself and raising your left hand toward his face while your right hand nearly drops the whiskey bottle once more. 

Christian takes your wrist in his gloved hand and holds firmly onto you, and your entire body flushes hot with nerves as you realize the mistake you have made. The way his gaze holds onto you, even with only one dark iris and pupil, is piercing and intense, and you attempt futility to pull your hand away. 

"Funny story how I lost that," he says, expression pulling into a strange, sad grin. He leans close, nicotine on his breath as he says, "I'll have to tell you some time."

You pull on your arm, desperate to release it, but his grip is far stronger than you remember. Should you be afraid of this man?

"Christian," you begin, glancing from your hand to his face. 

"Perhaps over drinks, some time," he continues. "Just the two of us."

You nod, willing to lie to him if it means letting you go. Panic rises as you continue to take stock of how different he is from the man you used to know. 

Ryujin takes the whiskey from your hand, sets it on the table, and then grabs his hand in both of hers as she says, "Alright, that is enough of that. I need you two to play nice."

The room returns to view, and you remember why you are here and who you are with. You realize belatedly that these two not only know each other but that they are friendly with one another. 

"Wait," you say, turning to Ryujin, "you told Yoongi—"

"Look, I lied to him," she says, cutting you off. 

Your mouth falls open and your pulse whooshes in your ears. "You…but…" Could she possibly know what she has done by bringing the two of you together? "Why?"

Ryujin chuckles and steps close to Christian, placing her dainty, manicured hands over his chest. "Oppa is harmless. You know that! And Yoongi…well, he's paranoid. Trust me, darling. Nothing bad will happen to you."

You are not so sure you are convinced, but you know that freaking out will do nobody any good. Especially when you are so far away from home. You are not eager to show any more weakness to any of these people. Especially the one they call Mister Insanity. 

Someone shouts for Christian, using the name Barom, and you turn quickly back to the table. Your glass contains more whiskey, courtesy of one of the women, you assume, and you pick up the glass with shaking hands and slam it down, then reach for the bottle again. 

Intoxication roils through you in hot waves, and you squeeze your eyes closed to take a deep breath in and out before shooting more whiskey. A small hand touches your lower back, and you wish you were curled up in a bed all by yourself, far away from these people and this music. You are tired of being touched.

"I know it's weird to see an ex," Ryujin says. "Sorry for surprising you like this. He told me he wouldn't be around tonight."

"How did he lose his eye?" you ask, focused on the wrong thing as you turn to face Ryujin. You tremble so hard that your teeth clatter. 

Her smile falls to a frown and she shakes her head. "That isn't my story to tell."

You nod, accepting her answer, and turn to Hwasa, who watches you with a concerned expression. You mouth the word, "Bathroom?" and she nods and rounds the table, taking you by the arm. 

"Down the hall to the left," Ryujin says. 

As you walk through the room, you squint, attempting to ignore all the movement in the mirrors in your periphery. It's too much. Everything is too much. 

The darkness of the hallway is a blessing and a curse, relieving you from the chaos of the private room while introducing challenges of its own; it is almost too dark and somewhat claustrophobic. 

You stumble and Hwasa's hold on you tightens. She picks up the pace and leads you straight into a single-stall bathroom, then turns on a light that is thankfully relatively dim. The moment she closes and locks the door, you stumble forward, fall to your knees on the rough tile before the toilet, and vomit the contents of your stomach. 

Your mind races with myriad thoughts, but one is the loudest of them all: What the fuck is Christian doing here?

*

Oh, oh, I broke down all my doors Oh, do you see it now? Nothing was fixed at all

I never asked to be like this

🎵 visit the playlist

hello, hello!!! we meet again!!! i hope you have all been having great middle of the year months! things have been ok for me but i have been reading a lot more than i have been writing. how did you feel about this one??? it is a little slower, as it is setting the stage for the final chapters. any guess how things are going to go? how do we feel about the new (and returned) characters??? it felt really nice to writing Jimin into the scene again. 💜 i'll be honest, describing Ryujin & the Mamamoo girls laying on the rugs and blankets made me think of Quanxi and her harem of fiends from Chainsaw Man.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!!! REBLOGS ARE IMPORTANT BLAHBLAHBLAH LIKES ARE ALSO AMAZING AND SO ON. 💜 tags will be coming in reblogs. also, character asks are always active if you have some burning questions or comments (just don't expect me to outright spoil anything hehehe.)

i love you, stay hydrated!!! if you are somewhere with a heatwave, stay cool!!! 😘😘😘 until we meet again!!!

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Collateral is copyright 2022-2024 theharrowing, all rights reserved. no translations of reposts allowed.

[isagisyoichi]

how do u think the boy would be in a party😈😈

NEW RULES!

SYNOPSIS: blue lock at a party

CHARACTERS INCLUDED: isagi, bachira, nagi, reo, rin, chigiri, naruhaya, niko, nanase, gagamaru, kunigami

WARNINGS: mentions of underage drinking and weed (but no one actually takes anything), swearing, mentions of throwing up and food, again pretend they're all friends and go to the same school because it's more fun to think that way. ooc rin maybe? idk i like pretending he's not as miserable as the manga makes him out to be 🤗 he deserves to have fun i think

A/N: no cause this was soooo fun to write tysm anon, i got through this in a flash cause i loved this suggestion sm :') literally one of the most fun requests i've ever gotten eeee!!!!! also this made me miss my irls bye corona can suck my balls fr

ISAGI YOICHI:

i feel like this would be his first big party aw lol, so he’s kind of nervous LMAO.

gets handed a beer by someone, has his first sip of it ever, and immediately spits it out. mutters “how the hell can anyone drink this?” and “discreetly” pours the rest into a bush.

mainly stays with nagi, chigiri, kunigami, and bachira and they just talk throughout the night

(bachira only sits down and talks after his energy dies down. i'll elaborate on this below the cut).

keeps asking nagi “what song is this?” throughout the night LOL. makes a mental note of what songs to add to his playlists.

slightly nods his head to the music, aw cute. goes a little harder and lip syncs/raps along when he really likes the song, though (i stand by my word when i said he loves “neon guts”)

does accidentally bump into someone, but isagi starts a convo with them after he apologizes, and they hit it off right away 🥰

but, the person left early and isagi, ever the dummy, forgets to ask for their number.

and he's actually so disappointed in himself when he realizes, too 😭

BACHIRA MEGURU:

not drunk or anything at all, but boy, the way he’s acting makes it seem like he is.

the self proclaimed “life of the party.”

can be found “dancing,” though i use that word generously because to classify whatever he’s doing as “dancing,” is a stretch, to every song, even if he doesn’t know the words LOL

really likes when throwbacks come on!!!! he does dance to the lyrics and not the beat sometimes, though 😭

but, bachira looks like he’s having so much fun, it’s so cute, he’s definitely been waiting for this moment his whole life 🥰

if you were dancing with him, bachira would 100% take you by the hand and spin you around

also forces gets isagi to dance with him but isagi’s so awkward 😭

bachira also ends up jumping in the pool sometime later that night. yells “cannonball!” and everything, like, okay michael phelps 😭

he doesn’t have extra clothes so reo has to give him some and they're so fucking big on him LOLLL

texts the groupchat “i was sooo crazy last night😂” in the morning LMAOO, okay babe calm down

KUNIGAMI RENSUKE:

takes it upon himself to make sure none of his friends die LOL

only drinks water and diet coke 👍

his mom calls in the middle of the party to ask how he's doing and bachira and nagi are doing stupid shit like yelling “pass the weed” and fake moaning 😭

isagi and chigiri tell him to tell her they say hi LOL

really likes when the dj puts on 90s/2000's r&b/hiphop songs (i'll die by my hc that kunigami's an oldies fan)

mostly sways side to side to the music, but he did also dance a little, per request of bachira, and ended up talking to a cute person a for little, too 🤗

offers to help clean up in the morning

CHIGIRI HYOUMA:

at least two drunk girls have mistaken him for their friend, and another four have asked to touch his hair.

tried to use one of reo’s many bathrooms, found a couple making out, outwardly said “gross,” and then left to find another one 😭

nods his head and taps his foot to the music, not much of a dancer.

also a people-watcher, and he points out things he sees are happening to his friends.

“guys, i think misa and her boyfriend are breaking up, look.” leave that poor girl alone bro 😭

finds himself laughing a lot that night because damn! his friends are funny, whether they try to be or not.

not really a party person, but chigiri actually had a lot of fun 🥰

NARUHAYA ASAHI:

also on the dancefloor! doesn’t really dance, per say, but he jumps up and down and does the fist pump thing 😭 he has the spirit, let's give him that.

drank a lot of soda, so he’s filled with energy. also pees in at least three of reo's bathrooms.

talks to his friends, but also makes new ones! also i feel like he takes a lot of pictures LOL. he needs the finsta content 😭

plays truth or dare, or something like that. ends up having to do some stupid shit like smack raichi’s ass and run away, but naruhaya did make out with the girl next to him, so fair trade, he thinks.

also ends up in the pool, but he’s playing chicken with gagamaru and some other people. does not win a single round, but he had fun 😇

leaves with like four plates of food and one of reo’s decorative towels for some reason???

GAGAMARU GIN:

goes through a bunch of reo's shit 😭 he's not taking anything, but he's just curious LOL

strikes up very, random conversations with a bunch of people out of nowhere, good for him!

weirdly good at darts, very good aim.

although one round, naruhaya accidentally distracted gagamaru and one of darts ended up in reo's wall 💔

“it's fine, he has the money to fix it,” naruhaya shrugs as he walks away from reo's now punctured, wall. so true bestie!

gagamaru somehow ends up giving some drunk stranger some “life-changing” advice. (whether it's good or not is debatable)

they thank gagamaru for changing their life and he never sees them again

NAGI SEISHIRO:

irritates the fuck out the dj because nagi keeps asking him to play one specific song over and over again.

it was good the first time, don't wear it out for the rest of us bae 😭

doesn't really dance, just nods his head, maybe raps along a little, too

when he talks to the girls that come up to him, nagi says stuff like “yeah, the host and i go way back, we’re best friends.”

“way back,” my ass, but whatever nagi 🤨

knocks out in one of reo’s guest rooms. someone finds him when they’re trying to look for the bathroom and they draw a mustache and a bunch of other stupid shit on him 😭

tries to leave before reo makes him help clean up in the morning. does not work 👍

dumbass also ended up losing his phone (reo bought him a new one so nagi doesn't really care)

RAICHI JINGO:

gasses himself up sooo much when he’s trying to hit on girls.

“yeah, i'm about to go D1 after high school, just wait on it,” yeah, okay raichi 🙄

also tries to show them his highlights, bye. babe, i mean this in the nicest possible way but, i do not care, can we just kiss 🙏

i feel like he’s one of those boys who likes to take his shirt off for no reason, so raichi most definitely ends up shirtless at some point of the night 😭

takes pictures with reo’s fancy cars in his garage to flex 💀 gets annoyed when reo says raichi can’t drive them. raichi doesn't even have his license 😑

plays pool and is actually not that bad. does almost accidentally blind isagi with his cue, though.

IMAMURA YUUDAI:

he's with some girls but, he’s a dummy and he didn’t know his other hoes would be there, so imamura had quite a few drinks spilled on him here and there.

still somehow leaves with like three new girls snaps, four numbers, and a bunch of lipstick stains. not even gonna lie, i respect his game.

actually a really good dancer, and he knows he looks good, too. knows the words to every drake song that comes on, argue with your mom.

lip-syncs the words to you when you dance together and it makes you more flustered than you would think 🙄

the type to pull you close and wraps his arms around your waist or around your neck

actually really fun to talk to. always in the loop with drama and stuff, so he's always got some interesting conversation topics. and he's funny 😭

MIKAGE REO:

obviously, the party’s at his house. what’s the point of having a rich teammate if you can’t exploit them for their possessions?

jokes, but reo did offer to throw it at his mansion house in the first place.

actually really likes throwing parties lmao, so he jumped at the opportunity.

posted on his snap, “party at my place su for address‼️” LOL

natural charm + raised with good manners = reo being an amazing host

but, reo does have a little group of girls following him around the entire night 👎

and it irritates the hell out of whoever reo’s trying to talk to because they’re all up on him, making it hard for reo to pay attention 😑

also doesn’t help that he entertains them and flirts back and dances with a couple of them, too

and looks good when he dances, too UGH!!!! he's the type to run his hands up and down your body while he dances with you 😣

i hate this man 👎 /j

ITOSHI RIN:

practicing. he didn’t come. sike! rin has a social life, too, come on now, y'all 🙄

talked a big game about how he wouldn’t show up then he still came anyways, like rin, what 😭??

super good at cup pong and he knows it. he keeps beating ryusei and if you look closely, rin has something reminiscent of a smirk on his face.

a foot-tapper, not a dancer, which sucks because he’s not even bad at dancing, either 👎

a couple of girls come up to rin to flirt, but rin doesn’t give them the time of day. no response or anything just a little side eye 😭

rin just talks to his friends and that’s it, really.

actually internally glad for the chance to kickback and relax for once, tbh.

but, he refuses to admit he had any semblance of fun. (he did, rin’s just a weenie 😒)

NIKO IKKI:

the team forced him to come 😭

niko’s already a homebody and he doesn’t like loud noises or large social scenes, so he wasn’t too jazzed about going somewhere where the both of those things combine.

also he's picky with music so LOL. does like that one remix to the pursuit of happiness, though

he’s a wall-stander, i hate to break it to y’all. just watched everything from a distance and didn't talk to anyone except for isagi and his friends.

bye, if you don’t get off the damn wall and dance (he'd dance with me i'm different 🥰🤗)

keeps opening and closing his phone so he looks busy but that mf is literally just going through the settings app 😭

called his mom to bring him home an hour and a half in 👎

NANASE NIJIROU:

i hate to admit it, but he’s the annoying first year that documents everything on snap bye

he’s just excited to be there but like, there is no reason for his story to be half an hour long.

i'm not watching all of that! sorry that happened to you or good for you 🤗

probably playing games like spin the bottle or seven minutes in heaven. is very proud of himself for kissing four people in one night #bigmoves 🥳

stays with his group of friends and they're sooo loud and rowdy LMAOO. #firstyearthings

you can literally hear them laughing over the music, but they're having fun, so it's fine (at least of those kids hits people when they laugh too)

also dances, too! has super good energy and a natural sense of rhythm surprisingly 🥰 also a good hypeman!!!!! honestly, he's just really fun to be around tbh

overall, has a lot of fun, as you can tell by his story 😇

[albatris]

hellooo i am once again in your inbox with my little rental car questions. am i getting annoying yet? i can stop lmao

for the songs: nat! quinn! alex! lloyd!! yvonne!! any of them or all of them or whatever you like!!

(also i noticed some of ur ATDAO content and am intrigued by Kai's song vibe too)

(don't feel pressured to answer all/any of this lol, its a Lot)

hello hello hello!! thank you as always for ur little rental car questions, I am often very slow at answering them but they make me go ":D" every time, so.... :D!! (also no no no, you're not getting annoying, you're fine ahaha)

so, I have already a few requests for Nat and Quinn tunes waiting in my inbox, so I'll be scattering my Nat and Quinn tunes across a couple of different asks....... or maybe I'll just bunch them all together...... yes either way, if you're keen for tunes I can tag you in those too :P BUT I will give you one for each of them here as well because I am kind and benevolent

I have no Lloyd or Yvonne tunes yet unfortunately............ but I am on the hunt for some so maybe I'll find some soon..... I have Alex tunes over here in a previous ask! and I will offer you some Kai tunes...... and then perhaps I will throw in a few Greeble tunes also?

FAIR WARNING this will be a lot of words, I am so sorry, I forgot to mention how Asking About Music would open this floodgate, this is something you have not witnessed yet but lots of my other mutuals have.... I Love To Ramble and this is a topic that I am incapable of shutting up about

under the cut because.... yeah. sorry sorry sorry

so first up is Nat, n I will offer you “When I Was Done Dying” by Dan Deacon, which is.......... not the MOST Nat tune, but is a funky little song that can go both at the very start and the very end of the playlist, though I opted to put it at the end c: it’s a song with a lot of bonkers imagery and thematically ties conveniently into both Nat’s first and final appearances..... plus the line “And the Earth looked at me and said ‘Wasn’t that fun?’ / And I replied ‘I’m sorry if I hurt anyone’” hurts me in my heart and is just such a sad note to end on

next is Quinn, n I will offer you “Metaphor” by The Crane Wives! this was the very very first Quinn song I added to the playlist, as soon as I got Quinn’s vibe pinned down I was like “oh yeah lmao this song is perfect”. it conjures up the nice little image of someone who’s adept at sweet-talking and truth-twisting and manipulation, perhaps because it’s all they know how to do, perhaps because it’s a defense mechanism and survival tactic...... the tone of the song is not particularly distressed though..... like..... it’s a shifty, shady song but also “Don’t look too hard, ‘cause you won’t like the scars he left in me” is a little oof and gives the whole thing just a sprinkle of seasoning in terms of Why Quinn Is The Way Quinn Is. plus the brief shift to “I can’t trust a single thing you say” is a nice dash of that fear and defensiveness too :3

anyway yes, I have lots more Nat n Quinn tunes on the way in various different flavours including Nat-And-Quinn Combined Tunes and Greeble-Nat tunes

NOW FOR KAI TUNES THOUGH

oh, I could talk about ATDAO sounds forever, my ATDAO playlist is a 14-and-a-half-hour monstrosity that I have so much fun with also I do have an entire Kai playlist from back when I was making individual character playlists

anyway, here’s some for Kai I plucked out for you!

“The House” by Air Traffic Controller! such a delightful little bop and is exactly the vibe for the Lancaster household of Kai’s younger years c: though a lot of the specific details in the song aren’t the same as specific details of Kai’s life, the energy is perfect! Kai had a fantastic home life and such an energetic and loving family, n I mean...... things got SUPER messy post-time-loop because Kai’s family thought Kai was dead and things completely fell apart and they’ve spent seven years trying to claw their way back to normality...... so yes this song is very good but also Ouch in comparison to Kai’s current loneliness and complicated family situation

“Someone New” by Hozier is one of my favourite Kai tunes!! lots of love to go round here, perfectly encapsulating Kai’s boisterous personality and tendency to collect friends wherever they go (the stranger the better, yes), n the deep love they have for humanity as a whole.... they are the type of person to fall in love with strangers on the bus dfkjfsdf

“The Record Player Song” by Daisy the Great is an EXCELLENT Kai song but one I only trust in my own hands..... like, it’s a good character song but only ‘cause I have the necessary background and nuance to handle it....... I can come at it from the right angle.... but it needs a mention, yes

anyway, this one is here for.... a deep-seated terror of your own motives and the fear that you’re not a good person..... the alienation and detachment from your sense of self and the people you’re supposed to care about.... which is a great source of distress for Kai, who’s always been deeply compassionate and caring

they spend a lot of the story dealing with extremely undiagnosed depersonalisation/derealisation disorder due to Time Loop Trauma and constantly feel as if the world around them isn’t real, that they’re not real, n feeling so disconnected from their own emotions.... plus they’re scared shitless the only reason they try so hard to care so much about people is because deep down they don’t actually care about anything at all

choice lyrics include

“I don’t really love you / I just said that for a change of pace / I’m sorry, sometimes I don’t recognise my face”

and “I need a dictionary / Someone look me up and define me / Please remind me who I’m supposed to be around you / So you will do what I want you to”

and “Sometimes I think all I’m ever doing is trying to convince myself I’m alive”

just.......... oh, go to therapy, kid, you’re not a terrible person you’re a good, kind, loving person who’s been through a fuckload of trauma and needs help dealing with all this terror and guilt you’ve been carrying round

technically “Wander. Wonder.” by The Arcadian Wild fills the same role in the playlist, lots of terror, lots of alienation and isolation and disconnectedness, but this song IS allowed in other people’s hands (it is also an exceptionally good Kai song, probably the top one) (Tris also makes a tangential appearance in this song ahaha)

also it would be a crime for me not to mention "Wobbly” by Ezra Furman for Kai of course :3

and finally............................. two Greeble tunes........ only for the Greeble on its own, I have a handful of VERY good Nat-Greeble tunes lined up for a different ask

“SPRORGNSM” by Superorganism! just a funky little hivemind bop! and also The Bedquilt Ramblers’ cover of “This World Is Not My Home” which........ sad sad human centre-of-the-Garble vibes

like, man, this guy made some TRULY atrocious choices but I do feel bad for him. he was an idiot, yes. but he deserves some rest at long long long last. everyone deserves some rest eventually

anyway thanks for........................ letting me ramble....... I apologise for the........... incredibly lengthy ramble..... please have a SPLENDID day

[bibiana112]

friday, saturday and march for the fic asks? :D

friday: most self-indulgent fic you have ever posted?

Honestly I both don't post much and don't really make anything that *isn't* self indulgent so like take your pick lol I'd have to go with the first one I posted about the Kurashikis though cause it was literally just me dealing with the anticipation that came from my own second playthrough akshkaja plus like it was so much of me exploring exactly what made them such huge comfort characters for me back in the day,, I'm so fond of imagining the period of time they had to work through between the two nonary games and also, like, my best friend pointed out the hug bit and I went oh yeah did the yearning stand out too much? Cause I was one year into living alone and I missed hugs from both my younger sibling and my big sister friends so like yeah :'3 everytime you reread that now you'll be like *nonjudgmental but very aware look* aksjkaks

saturday: what gets you excited whilst writing?

Aah what gets me most excited is probably when my brain finishes a sentence and immediately comes up with a turn of phrase for it on the next one? That stuff doesn't always survive editing but when it does it's so good and usually the last paragraph or so of a piece, and I also like editing, I like rereading a first draft and tweaking things into place and adding little phrases that repeat or mirror or reference each other to make it feel like it's part of a whole and I always say it feels like stitching fabric together into a tapestry to just make sure it all flows well and also also I love rereading through something I finished particularly physical sensations and descriptions and the like are always fun to see when I got right and every time I'm like oh shit I know how to write

march: do you listen to music whilst writing? 

Actually not at all, I like lyrical stuff, so it's distracting while trying to come up with words, usually I write with the same background noise I just chill with on a regular basis or in complete silence. I mean I've put instrumental songs once or twice but only if I'm really really struggling to get a specific vibe right which happened like once cause I was forcing myself to write that in the first place, and songs do sometimes end up as almost like prompts somehow for a quick phrase or concept and I end up associating it with something I wrote anyway despite not listening to it while writing it down, like the same ze one I mentioned above I associate with like two different ones including the first song on my kurashiki core playlist, plus sometimes my brain just gets stuck in a melody so I write a couple lines to it's tune and no one else reading it would guess that but I can personally never reread that bit without imagining it going all singsong, and in editing I may leave something that's the current earworm on loop as I read through it again and tweak it, I listened to All You Wanna Do so so much while editing the last thing I posted cause I found a new version I liked all of a sudden and it has nothing to do with anything lol but yeah over all I got a very specific relationship with writing and music here

[worldwidemochiguy]

the best of both worlds (soft! yandere taehyung)

Summary: A drunken man tries to assault you, and you see for the first time what it’s like for Taehyung to really lose his temper...

Word Count: 3.8K

Warnings: Yandere behaviour, attempted drunken sexual assault, mention of kidnapping, idealisation of kidnapping, stockholm syndrome probably, (dead dove: do not eat)

Made For Each Other Masterlist (the rest of this series of one-shots) 

General Masterlist

a/n: Kim Taehyung, the king of duality! yes the title is a hannah montana reference, and no i’m not sorry, but i am sorry for the ending which is kinda bad bc i'm really bad at ending things lmao. get ready for warm, fuzzy, protective soon-to-be-dad taehyung, as well as pissed off, dangerous, i’m-going-to-murder-you taehyung (not directed at reader, of course). tell me which one you prefer lol

~~~~~~~~

“Babe?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think this tie brings out my eyes?” You snorted as you saw Taehyung appear in the mirror, standing behind you with a Simpsons themed tie hanging undone around his neck. His eyebrows were raised, obviously expecting an answer.

“Really?” He huffed, and then placed his hands on his hips. 

“Does it bring out my eyes or not?”

“Well it definitely brings out your inner child.” He smiled, walking up to you and wrapping you in a hug from behind, one of his hands drifting down to cup your stomach protectively. 

“I wish it would bring out your inner child.”

“Ah, I think you’re gonna have to wait another six months for that, Tae.” His grin matched yours as he buried his face in your neck, planting little kisses on the underside of your jaw. “Also, it’s our child, you know.”

“Mmhm, I don’t know, you have been pretty friendly with Minjae from accounting recently-” He broke into a laugh as you reached over to grab the pillow on the bed and thwacked him with it. 

You were glad you had gotten to a stage in your relationship where you could joke about these things. At first, Taehyung had been too possessive to even dare, and you had been so fragile you wouldn’t have wanted to mention it even as a joke, for fear of upsetting him. Now, after being married for almost a year, and pregnant for three months, you were both far more trusting of each other. That isn’t to say Taehyung wouldn’t rip the arms off any man who tried to touch you. And, to be honest, you didn’t mind that so much. It felt nice knowing he loved you enough to not want to lose you. 

Forty minutes later, you were both dressed and ready to go. You had been ready half an hour ago, but when Taehyung saw you in your dress, he got that look in his eye… the look that meant he was about to undo all of the hard work that went into your carefully styled hair. After that, it took an additional ten minutes to fix your hair, as he had fisted into it as he thrusted roughly into your throat, and also fix your runny mascara and smeared lipstick. He told you that you looked equally beautiful all messed up, that you looked sexy even. You quickly reminded him that he wouldn’t want anyone else to see you in that state, though, would he? 

Taehyung’s face darkened and you barely escaped spending another half hour at home as he showed you who you belonged to. 

Once you arrived at the office party, Taehyung’s hand curled possessively around your lower back, you were immediately overwhelmed. This was an interdepartmental gathering, meaning it wasn’t just Taehyung’s six close friends who worked on your floor and who you had a growing rapport with. No, this was practically everyone, including Ryan from human resources and Boyoung from marketing and a billion other names and faces you just didn’t know. 

Taehyung turned to you questioningly, feeling your muscles stiffen up. Your forced yourself to send a relaxed smile back at him. He had promised his friends that he would show up, and you didn’t want to inconvenience him. Or worse, embarrass him. You were entirely willing to let your comfort take a back seat tonight, after all, Taehyung was always catering to your needs excessively, especially now that you were pregnant. You brushed a hand over the bump distractedly, just to reassure yourself. 

You were barely showing yet, and Taehyung had said many times about how he couldn’t wait until you were obviously carrying his child, this sentiment always expressed with a possessive gleam in his eyes which never failed to send a pleasant shiver down your spine. When you realised you were pregnant, you worried that he wouldn’t be so pleased with all the changes to your body, but Taehyung had been unfailingly supportive, positively ecstatic throughout the whole process. You could just tell that, once you had given birth, he would do everything he could to give your child the best life possible. 

The thought caused a tingling sensation of warmth to settle in your stomach, and you relished it, because you certainly weren’t going to receive that feeling from drinking alcohol, usually the go-to method of making office parties bearable. You felt bad, Taehyung wouldn’t even be able to indulge himself in that, and all because of you. 

When you told him you were pregnant, Taehyung had rid the house of all alcoholic substances — along with anything else that could be potentially harmful to the baby — within a day. You told him over and over again that you didn’t mind if he wanted to drink, but he swore he wouldn’t. After all, he reasoned, What if I kissed you with traces of alcohol in my mouth? What would that do to the baby? When you told him that he could just remember not to kiss you after drinking, his face became even more horrified and he tugged you into his chest. Not kiss you? I’d rather die. Your husband was very dramatic. You loved him so much it hurt. 

“So, Y/n, he’s still letting you out of the house?” Jimin joked, causing the rest of Taehyung’s (and your) friends to roar in laughter. They were all aware of Taehyung’s extreme possessiveness over you, and took great pleasure in mocking him for it. 

“Yeah, I thought you would arrive here with a leash for Taehyung to hold on to.”

“Hey, Namjoon!” You started harshly, and the man stiffened, preparing for a verbal lashing. “It would definitely be Taehyung wearing the leash.” The rest of the boys burst into laughter, apart from Taehyung who was busy giving Namjoon a death stare. 

You tapped your husband’s chest lightly to get him to snap out of it.

“Don’t worry,” You told him in a hushed voice, “Namjoon was just joking, it’s ok.” He growled, snaking his other arm around your waist and pressing his forehead to yours. 

“I know, I just- I love you too much to let anyone say anything bad about you ever.”

“I know.” You giggled, pulling back slightly and registering the whoops of your friends behind you. A sharp glare of Taehyung’s over your shoulder got them all to shut up pretty quickly.

An hour later, you were nursing a lukewarm Virgin Margarita and sighing. Jimin and Hoseok had looped Taehyung into karaoke at the front of the office on a little makeshift stage. At first it had been funny, but after nine songs it was kind of boring, and your feet had started to really ache, and you wanted nothing more than to be snuggling in your large bed, where there was no karaoke, and no uncomfortable high heels, and no ice cubes that melt into your drink literally five minutes after you put them there. 

You sighed again, discarding your non-alcoholic disappointment on a table. You glanced at it briefly. Someone had done their best to decorate it, placing a little ‘2020!’ novelty stand on it, as well as the tinsel left over from Christmas. You say ‘Someone’, knowing full well it was probably Jimin. Jimin had been the mastermind behind this hellish office party, and had somehow strong-armed everyone into agreeing to come, despite the fact office parties were universally despised by all. 

You heard the drums in the intro of ‘The Best Of Both Worlds’ start to play, and you looked up to see Taehyung chucking Jimin a blonde wig. He scrambled to put it on, almost succeeded, then proceeded to start belting into the fake microphone with artificial blonde strands finding their way into his mouth. Everyone in the office started cheering and crowding around the makeshift stage area, which was where you also stood, so that you could still be as close to Taehyung as possible. 

With the rowdy, tipsy and slightly sweaty people of the office starting to surround you, all jumping along to the Hannah Montana ballad, you felt yourself start to overheat. You had been getting occasional hot flushes since the pregnancy started, something which the doctors ensured you was normal and which Taehyung never failed to lose his mind over. Last time, you had gotten dizzy enough to fall over yourself slightly and trip onto the safety of the couch, and Taehyung had almost cried, rushing you to the hospital despite your protestations. 

You knew if you alerted him to your overheated state, he would go into overdrive, so you quietly slipped out of the large open-plan floor they were having the party in and into the corridor. It was much cooler out there and you could feel the unpleasant dizziness slowly rescind, melting out of you just like those ice cubes in your Margarita (which you absolutely weren’t still bitter about). 

You were in such a calm, placid state of relaxation that the footsteps coming down the hall startled you. Your eyes opened to see the stumbling figure of a man returning from the toilet. He hadn’t done up his fly properly — you immediately averted your eyes from that — and you could tell he was pretty obviously inebriated. A budding sense of foreboding made itself known in your gut. 

“Hello, pretty- hic- lady.” The stranger slurred, the scent of the alcohol on his breath wafting over to you. You wanted to clamp a hand over your nose, irrationally worrying if the stench would hurt your baby. 

“I’m married.” You told him in a closed-off voice, displaying the expensive wedding ring Taehyung had slid on your finger, sealing the promise with a kiss. Rather than backing off, the man grabbed your offered hand, pressing a sloppy kiss to it. You exclaimed in disgust, trying to wrench your hand away, but you only succeeded in pulling him closer to you. You tried to backtrack, but you were only walking backwards and further away from the safety of the entrance to the office, further into the dark corridor. The cold now felt dangerous, and confining, but worse still was the hot breath of the man fanning across your face as he backed you against the wall.

“Get off me.” You tried to scream, but it came out as a pathetic whimper. “Get off me.” He chuckled, his disgusting fingers setting themselves on your waist, and he was so close to your underdeveloped baby bump that you wanted to scream. 

“Gonna make me feel so good, aren’t you?” The man laughed darkly, 

“Get off me!” You sobbed, stronger this time but still not strong enough. He pinned your wrists behind you painfully, ceasing your weak attempts at shoving him off. 

“I’m gonna have a lotta fun with you, pretty lady.” He whispered, and your tears started rolling in earnest because oh God, no one was coming to save you, Taehyung wasn’t going to want you after this-

Distant voices echoed, a familiar voice. Your vision went white, and your legs buckled beneath you. All you could register as you crashed down to the floor was that there was no one there to catch you. 

~~~~~~

Taehyung was enjoying himself. It had been a while since he had gone out, probably years, due to his whole acquiring you, and then having to stay with you at all times until you came to your senses, and then having to stay by your side to protect you now that you were pregnant. It was a whole process. Don’t get him wrong, he loved you with his whole heart, and you were without a doubt the most important thing in his life, but he also enjoyed lesser pleasures like getting fresh air, having a change of scenery, and watching his friends get absolutely shit-faced and sing Hannah Montana in front of the entire faculty. 

But, after about half an hour of that, he was missing you again. He cast his eye over the crowd, checking on you where you were standing in the spot you had been for the last ten minutes. And then he stopped. You weren’t there. He squinted slightly, hoping that perhaps he wasn’t seeing right. But, it was real, you weren’t there anymore. He felt a wave of hysteria build up in him, ready to crash. He left the side of the karaoke stage, which was less of a stage and more a pile of empty printer-paper boxes, and strode through the room. Jimin tried to call him back, but Taehyung could barely hear a thing, too focused on searching for you.

He was frantic. He could just tell something bad had happened to you, someone was doing something to you, he could feel it in his heart. Once he confirmed you were definitely not in the room, he really started to panic. And then that panic subsided into cold, hard fury. Whoever had taken you away — because he knew you wouldn’t have left voluntarily, or without even telling him — he would tear them apart. 

He spotted the exit into the hallway, and as he got further away from the racket of the karaoke and closer to the doorway, a conversation drifted out to him.

“-off me.” A woman’s voice. A crying woman’s voice. Your voice. The rage within him grew fangs and roared.

“I’m gonna have a lotta fun with you, pretty lady.” 

By this point, Taehyung had reached the hallway and saw something he could have lived the rest of his life without seeing. 

A man had you pinned to the wall. You were sobbing, writhing in his grip, desperately trying to get away. He had his hands on you, he had his hands on your stomach, on Taehyung’s child.

“I’m gonna have a lotta fun with you, pretty lady.”

Taehyung ripped the man off you and threw him against the wall. He hit the surface hard, his head thrown back, and Taehyung let out a hiss of satisfaction as the man- the filth who dared to touch you slid down the wall leaving a smear of blood. But all thoughts fled from his mind as he heard your whimper behind him. He turned just in time to see your eyelids flutter shut, and he lunged to catch you as your legs gave out and you fell to the floor. 

“Oh God,” he muttered, “Oh God, Oh God, Y/n? Can you hear me?” No response. “Oh God.” Taehyung repeated. It seemed he couldn’t do anything but stare at your blank face, limp head resting in his lap as he sat on the floor with your unconscious form. 

“Please, baby.” He whispered, leaning in to kiss your forehead. “I’m so so sorry, please be okay.” His lips brushed your skin. No response. You always used to smile when he kissed you. He wished you would smile now.

“Taehyung, what- oh.” Hoseok paused as he took in the scene, having followed after Taehyung rushed out of the office. He had assumed it was something to do with you, since Taehyung rarely had that fervent look when he was dealing with anything else. But now, there was a body, a man, lying crumpled across the hall with a pretty serious head wound, and Taehyung was sat on the floor, rocking your unconscious form, seemingly in shock himself. 

“Taehyung,” Hoseok prompted him again, but he didn’t even pause in his litany of pleas into your hairline. Hoseok ran his eyes over you for a second, you were definitely breathing, and there were no wounds, so you must have passed out from shock. Okay, Hoseok thought, One problem at a time. 

“What should we do with him?” 

“What?” Taehyung looked up at Hoseok, disorientated, but Hoseok exhaled in relief. He had his attention, he could work with that.

“The man, over there.” Hoseok jerked his chin at the inebriated man, who was slowly coming to, groaning. “We have to get rid of him, and without anyone at the party knowing.” Taehyung snarled at the sight of the man, and Hoseok walked over and kicked the intoxicated figure in the head. Taehyung let out a hiss of feral satisfaction.

“You want him dead, right?” Hoseok questioned, and Taehyung nodded immediately, eyes going back to his wife, still unconscious in his lap. Hoseok pulled out his knife — which he took care always to keep on his person — but Taehyung interrupted him.

“Wait-” Hoseok paused, looking back at Taehyung. “I want to kill him. I want to kill him slowly, he doesn’t deserve a quick death.” The rage in those words was chilling, even to Hoseok, and he nodded, pocketing the blade. 

“Well then, I’ll have to get Namjoon and probably Jeongguk to help me carry him up to the top floor. We’ll tie him up, leave him there for you. I’ll get Yoongi to pull up this guy’s file — Yoongi has contacts in the police and he’ll know how to make sure this never happened.” Taehyung nodded again, and Hoseok strode back into the office, on his way to draw out the other man in a casual, subtle way so they could get the bastard out with no one the wiser. 

Taehyung brushed his thumb over your cheekbone and your eyelashes, fanned delicately over your cheek, fluttered slightly. Taehyung audibly exhaled. He gently displaced your head, resting it on the floor and you frowned in your sleep. Even in the situation Taehyung had found himself in, it was difficult not to coo at your pretty little face. He scooped you up, his arms secured underneath you, and walked to the elevator. He was confident his coworkers would handle the situation and, to be honest, he didn’t really give a damn about it. He didn’t give a damn about anything that wasn’t you, asleep in his arms, delicate and vulnerable and perfect. 

~~~~~~

You woke up to a pounding headache, and two arms wrapped firmly around your middle, a warm body pressed against your back. You immediately turned around to see the face of your husband, the man you loved and the father of your child. His face was crumpled into a scowl, and his arms tightened around you protectively. You shivered as the memories from last night caught up to you, and then gasped. 

Taehyung woke up, eyes immediately flying to your distraught face. He could do nothing as tears started to flow out of your eyes. You buried your face in his neck and sobbed. He whispered words of comfort and ran his warm hands up and down your back as you let it all out, crying until you couldn’t anymore, even though you felt no better. 

“T-Tae-” You whimpered into his neck.

“I’m here,” He whispered back, “I’m here, Princess.” The nickname, something he used to make you feel precious, and protected, only made you start crying again, to Taehyung’s dismay.  

“I-I’m so- Taehyung.” Your words became more and more fragmented as your sorrow choked you. Your hands were tightly fisted into his shirt, and he tried to pry them off so he could intertwine your fingers together, but you held on stubbornly. 

“Taehyung,” You started again, “I-I’m so so sorry.” He finally managed to free your hands, but instead of letting him hold them, you brought them up to cover your face. Your voice became muffled as you sobbed into your palms.

“Hey- hey,” Taehyung chided, wrapping his hands around your wrists and guiding them away from your face. “You have nothing to be sorry for, baby. Nothing.”

“N-no but I- I let someone else touch me!” You wailed, before trying to cover your face with your hands again, but Taehyung didn’t let go, so you eventually relented and slumped into him, defeated. 

“You didn’t let someone else touch you.” Taehyung informed in a forcibly calm voice, though he wanted to smash every piece of furniture in the house because you were upset and you felt guilty and it was all that piece of shit’s fault- “It wasn’t your fault at all. I should never have left you alone, I should have been there to protect you. And that piece of filth-” Taehyung snarled, “should have known better than to touch what is mine. Both you, and my child you’re carrying, are all mine, and he will die for even daring to come near you.” 

You sniffed, a damp spot forming on his shirt where your face was pressed, but Taehyung didn’t mind. He ran his hand up and down your spine, tucking you into his body carefully. After a moment, you tilted your head up at him.

“So… I’m still yours, right?” Taehyung’s brows furrowed, and he looked down at you in outrage.

“Of course you’re still mine. You’ll always be mine, no matter what.” 

Upon hearing this, your face smoothed out before you gave him the most dazzling smile, the one you had given him when you told him you loved him, when he proposed, when you told him about the baby. 

“Wait-” He looked back up, shocked by a realisation, before looking down at you again, “Did you think I wouldn’t love you because some asshole dared to touch you?” At his incredulous tone, you flushed and buried your face in his chest, but he wouldn’t let you, drawing you up to sit in his lap facing him properly.

“Did you seriously think-” He interrupted himself, pressing a series of kisses to your jaw, before continuing, “-that I would just discard the love of my life-” A kiss to your forehead, “-the mother of my child-” He leaned down and kissed the growing swell of your abdomen, “-and many future children I hope-” you giggled, shoving his shoulder lightly, knowing you didn’t want to actually push him away, “-just because some lowlife who doesn’t deserve to even be spoken of in the same sentence as you-” you gaped at him, before breaking into a smile, and he smiles back at you, resting his forehead against yours. You rest for a moment, fully content in each others company.

“Did you really think I’d let go of you that easily?” He asks, his voice soft. You search for the sincerity in his eyes, and you find it there, flowing out of him in his gaze, in his voice, in his actions. He loves you too much to get rid of you like that. And that’s good, because you love him to much to be cast off.

“No.” You reply, and he quirks a half smile at you. 

“You don’t?”

“No. Which is convenient, because I don’t want you to let me go.” 

He leans in and kisses you slow and deep, and its all so bone-achingly good, and familiar, and you know you can’t wait to spend the rest of your life with this man. 

[blueseakelp]

3, 13, and 23! (chosen cause they're interesting i swear i'm not obsessed with the number 3 lol)

hi boomerang!!! thanks for the ask :))

3. Favorite scene/line that you wrote this year

oh okay so i thought i’d actually have to skim all of burn steady my child or look into one of my wips, but actually, something ended up coming to mind really quickly! basically it’s my entire “blue fire” deleted scene from bsmc that i didn’t include but posted on my outtake reel instead since it wasn’t vital to the story.

honestly it’s probably not actually my best writing, but it was super important for me to write and a bit cathartic. (i’m going to post some of it below because i’m lowkey kind of proud of it.)

“I’ve been trying to get it for so long.” Azula’s voice is small, and Zuko can see her eyes welling up with tears. She sniffs. “Father was always so disappointed when I couldn’t. But I did it all by myself.”

Zuko nods enthusiastically to her, his fingers clenching at the audacity of his father. “Father had no right to be disappointed. This is yours, Azula. Your fire is beautiful and it is for you only.”

Azula nods back at him, a smile beaming across her face. She giggles again and it makes Zuko’s mouth stretch wide until his cheeks hurt. Azula suddenly stands up in the boat, making it rock and tremble above the sea. Her hand still burns bright with the beautiful blue fire, and it’s a stunning contrast to the flaming sunset sky.

Azula throws her head back to the heavens. “You hear that?” she yells, loud and freer than Zuko has ever heard. “This is my fire! Suck it, Loser Lord!”

Zuko nearly chokes upon hearing the words and lets out an unintentional shriek of laughter. He claps a hand over his mouth and his eyes go wide. Zuko looks up at Azula, and then starts laughing again until his sides hurt. “Yeah, what she said!” he yells, through peals of laughter.

“Loser Lord!” Azula taunts again. “Zuko and I are amazing and you don’t deserve us!”

anyway, yeah. it’s just my fire kids letting go of some of that weight, and azula becoming even more her own.

(side note: honestly, the whole chapter that this was deleted from, specifically the raft scenes, i REALLY loved writing. honestly for the first time i feel like i was able to really get a handle on some of zuko and azula’s emotions, showing both how their trauma is affecting them and how they’re starting to heal.)

13. Favorite song/artist/album for writing

hmm, i’ve REALLY bounced around a lot with my writing music. i will say that for the three hours it took me to write the agni kai chapter of bsmc i looped the agni kai theme epic version the entire time on full blast. also, i looped the 8d version of merry go round of life while i wrote the entire most recent chapter to ✨motivate myself✨

other then that, most of my writing is to pentatonix christmas music or sometimes the lumineers. (although i did plan the rest of bsmc’s first book to hadestown, and i entirely blame you, boomerang. you are forcing me to curate good taste!)

23. Fics you wanted to write but didn’t

*eyes every single one of my abandoned wips* do they count?

i’ve had so many ideas that never came to fruition, including but not limited to:

aang discovers that ty lee has been air bending without realizing it, bonding and reminiscing ensues

mai joins zuko in running away, meets up with the gaang when he does

suki cuts zuko’s hair to match hers because he sees his father in his longer hair

zukka trapped in an elevator

aang and zuko deal with the aftermath of seeing people cheer for their death onstage at the ember island play

and more! these are just the ones i DIDN���T start writing 👀

[dbzebra]

☕️ OH YKNOW WHAT AT THAT NOTE? Talk about that dbs broly movie cuz yknow. That’s a hot topic of the ages that folk feel particularly really strongly about

ooooh ive been waiting for this one. We watched this together on discord so you know my general feelings but Im happy i got this ask lol.

putting this under read more cause it gets long 

The new movie that everyone seems to love and adore.... that I dont. It was a pretty middle of the ground, meh overrated af movie. Not bad, just nothing special. I enjoyed watching it sure, but not something I have an inkling to return to anytime soon if ever. It was just ‘there’ for me. 

First, I’ll say the good stuff. The visuals looked really pretty. Nobody was THAT out of character of the existing cast (save for the ending), which i feel weird to have to even mention it as a positive, but nothing really stood out to me as a defining moment for the little cast we had besides Goku’s “youre not a bad guy, i can tell” or w/e. SUPER SAIYAN 1 IS STILL GOAT. It looked soooo good in this movie i wish we couldve kept it the whole time instead of Blue. But i will say, Blue looked much better in this movie than the series. The darker-blue with the lighter blue eyes was a nice change from instead of the ugly bluish-green the series did. Also the aura looked better. Backgrounds like the ice area and even Planet Vegeta were amazing. Action was great too. little Bulla was cute. The OST i liked (the chanting really grew on me) and Blizzard is a banger i love that song. Oh and the aritisic license they took for the fusion scene with the reds and blues spiraling together was great

Anyway thats all the positives I have lmaoo

This film includes Minus and I already went in depth on why I hate Minus with a passion and why it’s the worst thing to come out of modern Dragon so yeah moving on. But the fact that they devoted screentime to Gokus backstory which ultimately served no purpose to the story of the film and couldve been used more valuably elsewhere. 

I said the action was good, and it was, but it almost too good. At times it was so fast to tell that was going on and really lessened the impact for me. Like when they went into the other dimension or whatever, Gogeta went blue and Broly went LSSJ (idc if the name is different name, itll always be legendary SSJ to me lmao) so ast it was a blink and you miss it moment. like what? those moments shouldve been given even a little bit of focus. 

Next the cast. Goku and Vegeta. AGAIN. snorefest. no Gohan, Piccolo is just there to show them the fusion, Goten and Trunks are still kids and look like babies (and Pilaf gang is with them which is another can of worms), no Android 17, who the series established as one of the top 4 fighters on Earth. 

Do we get any of that? Nope. Just the two Blue and Bluer fucking again and again I. dont. care. anymore. Their dynamic is so boring and played out id rather watch paint dry. It was fun in Buu Saga, hell it was even fun in GT, but DBS constantly forcing this dynamic and Vegeta as the second Main Character needs to fucking STOOOP. Toei and Toriyama has no idea how to further Vegeta’s character because theyre stuck in this infinite loop. 

Vegeta doesnt want to help Goku, he mentions Bulma and/or Trunks, Vegeta blushes, and then he decides to help. THAT HAPPENED LIKE SIX TIMES IN DBS ALONE. It happened in Buu saga as well, but it organically worked cause it was the first time but Bulma and Trunks were ALREADY DEAD/ABSORBED. The look on his face wasnt blushy or pouting for a gag, dude was legit shocked. I rag on Vegeta but he had some legit great moments in the early arcs and later parts of Buu Saga. Anyway im off track. They repeat that same exact character moment OVER AND OVER. cant tell you how many times we had “my Bulma, my bulla, my Trunks, my cabba” in the Tournament of Power alone, and this movie is no different.

DO SOMETHING ELSE FFS

Then we have Broly. ohhhhhh boooy Broly. if you can even call this version of him Broly. His backstory is kinda the same as original movie 8/Broly LSSJ, but its more tragic becuase according to most fans, if youre background is a sobstory, that equals better character. NO. sure it could, but that trope was so worn out so long ago I hate it. “waaa his life was bad, hes not a bad guy” bruh i dont care thats not Broly. just make an OC if you wanna do that. but nope. gotta use the marketing! (More on that later)

People like to criticize Z Broly as “he hates Goku cause he cried” or “all he says is Kakarot” which both are false. On the first point, Broly is a psychopath. He was stabbed as an infant and left to die along with Paragus cause he was too powerful. Then that same day Planet Vegeta explodes practically on top of them. The rest of his life hes basically either being controlled or on a rampage. So that one moment of peace is “ruined” by Goku in a sense cause he subconsciously associates that with Goku. On the second point, Broly was already mentally unstable and then nearly dying, getting caught in the explosion of a SECOND PLANET and then being frozen for seven years will fuck anyone up in the head. Z Broly in the original movie was sadistic af and he had a lot of memorable moments and lines that werent just screaming Kakarot, that Second Coming made him infamous for. 

New Broly is legit a man-baby. People talk about old Broly having no personality and this new version having a deep character, but I dont see it. He acts like a child when hes with Cheelai and Lemo and then once the fighting starts he doesnt say a single word but yell. SOUND FAMILIAR?? But he gets a pass because the canon police says so right??? fuck off. New Broly is boring. Im tired of trying to make the Saiyans into ThEyRe noT aLl BaD sEe The SaIyAns ArE AcTuAlLy GoOd!!!11111 ugh i hate it. keep Broly a psycho and keep Bardock a prick. even that guy that went with Buzz Lightyear I mean Paragus was a sweet guy who couldnt fight because of course he was. At least they kept Paragus being a prick when he killed him. Tho his death was lame. 

Cheelai’s overrated af. Shes just green bulma lmao. and the fact that they included the “big soft-spoken man gets mad and saves girl from drunk lowkey-rapey pervert” trope just had me roll my eyes like dude stop. Lemo was fine? Nothing against him but didnt do much for me either.

FUCK. FREEZA. i went over this one before too so ill be quick with this as well. I hate hate hate the fact that they brought him back not once but twice in DBS, but even worse that they left him alive to do whatever tf he wants including going back to mass murdering people and expanding his army again. Goku and Vegeta just LET HIM LIVE. Why tf did they go all out and attack Broly, but not Freeza? when one of them was fighting Broly th other easily could have taken out freeza but nope we need a token villain like Joker or Skeletor cause unoriginality. Even at the end, Gogeta does a full power blast to wipe Broly tf out, but when Freeza tries to kill Cheelai and Lemo (two innocent people, feelings on them aside) Gogeta basically just shakes his finger like nuh-uh! dont do that! and then he flies off. Just let this mfer die already im sick of seeing his ass. FUCK I HATE IT SO MUCH GFGFFGFGFGF

Lastly this movie is legitimately Dragon Ball Fanservice The Movie. 

Gogeta vs Broly, which the games have been doing since fucking 2003, is the main point of this film. Theres no originality whatsoever. Minus is discount Father of Goku special, and then its a mashup of Broly LSSJ and Fusion Reborn (both of which are superior movies imo). This creatively banrkupt shell of a franchise cant think of anything new, so they legit remake an old movie, through in fusions because that sells like hotcakes, and make the animation pretty because thats all that matters.

Imo, this movie, like 99% of Super, is all flash and flair but no substance at all. At least this movie looked nice. unlike the show. 

ok thats all i got lmao

[yaz-the-spaz]

Hey Yaz! Drag me back into the Ziam fandom I got a bit lost hahahahaha... Hahaha.. ha.

hey nonnie! so when i first read your ask last week i def thought you were just looking for an update on what’s been happening with ziam/in the ziam fandom lately (admittedly i was distracted and not all there in the head while reading it cause i had a lot going on lol) but on re-reading your ask now i’m realizing i’m not actually sure if that’s what you were in fact looking for lol? and if it’s not, then i’m not sure what exactly you were asking for me to do and how to answer lol but i’m just gonna go ahead and do an update post anyway and if it’s not what you wanted just let me know but anyways onwards to the update…

so apologies if i’ve missed anything as i’ve been pretty out of the loop myself the last couple of months and really only know the highlights, which isn’t much, so for anyone else seeing this who’s been more on top of things if i left anything else major out that’s happened since my last glee update please do let me know or feel free to add on yourself, but anyway for those who’ve been out of the loop like me, as far as i know here’s what you missed on glee in ziam news:

liam:

released a fashion collab campaign with hugo boss on the 4th of july (shortly after he was also named a brand ambassador for them) - go check out the merch, it’s amazing (and features lots of chevrons 😏just like someone else’s merch of late) and there’s also really cool promo stuff all over his ig!

performed in saudi arabia, which got some backlash cause according to idiot twitter users performing in saudi arabia now = supporting the entire country’s anti-lgbtq policies/agenda…in other words, haters gon’ hate and make fools out of themselves in the process

performed in miami (as part of the hugo boss collab promo campaign), which sources tell me was mad packed with fans and had a higher turn-out than anyone, including his team, seemed to be expecting which is always great to hear :) :) :)

zayn:

tweeted support for unicef relief efforts in sudan

tweeted the phrase “enna sona” seemingly out of the blue but which quickly raised a lot of eyebrows cause it was literally hours (i think early in the morning on july 5th if i remember right?) after liam’s hugo boss campaign was officially released and not only translates to “very sweet/very beautiful” but is a reference to a song (from a bollywood movie ofc cause it’s zayn), the main lyrics of which include lines like “why did god make you into such a beautiful/sweet person”…could be ziam related, could be just zayn reaching out to his desi fans but either way the timing of it all was very 👀👀👀

tweeted a thank you message for his teen choice awards nom for ‘a whole new world’ - which was released in may and if you haven’t listened to it yet it’s a bop and you should definitely go listen to it right now :)

officially listed his ny apt for sale which i’m taking to mean that the goat rodeo that is the Z*gi Farce Press Tour is finally, finally officially over

also wasn’t sure which one of them to put this under cause it kind of involves both of them but the hugo boss account also liked a manip of zayn in liam’s merch, which was…interesting. though to be fair they were also tagged in it and it included the hashtag too so it’s possible it was just part of a mass-liking campaign of anything that tagged them and/or included the hashtag without really paying attention to what it was, or maybe they even just figured liking something 1d related was good promo…orrrr *tinhat on* it’s also possible the person/people who run the account are dark ziams lol

stuff i forgot:

zayn and liam were the only ones to post anything on the 9 years of 1d anniversary - zayn posted a selfie on ig (after months of radio silence) and liam posted a thank you message to the fans on twitter

thank you to @dddarklarrie for reminding me of this!

zayn posted a picture of this poem/passage on ig back in may about love and marriage that sounded very much like how we all think of ziam and their relationship 

thank you to the nonnie for reminding me of this!

zayn also posted a selfie to ig with the red wolf tat clearly in view later that same day (may 5th)

[borhapstyles]

Is There Somewhere (Ben Hardy Imagine)

PART TWO TO GIRL CRUSH !! Read it first so this comes a bit easier :)

Description (for this particular part): The story of how you fell for Ben on the set of Bohemian Rhapsody. And the story of how he broke your heart not too long afterwards. Based off my favorite Halsey song, Is There Somewhere

Warnings: Swearing and uh.. a whole lot of miscommunication lol  Word Count: 8.3k (I’m so sorry it’s so long omg but I wasn’t satisfied with it and eventually it just came to this) 

**Note: This takes place BEFORE the events of Girl Crush. This might feel like it’s lacking Ben’s perspective but I do plan to write a part three that tells his side of the story and explains why he does what he does. I hope you guys love this one! I tried. And happy birthday to this boy. Love xx 

–

July 2017: The table read for Bohemian Rhapsody 

“Miss Y/L/N, would you like some coffee?”

“Oh, uh, n-no, I’m alright.” You rose up the cup of tea in front of you. The PA shakes his head before rushing off to fulfill everyone else’s orders.

“Y/N?” Your head lifted up to meet the eyes of one of Bo Rhap’s producers.

“Hi, the table read actually won’t start for a bit but I’ve put you in here so that you can formally meet the other main cast members before it starts, I hope that’s okay.”

“Oh yeah, of course!” You smiled. “I know, I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for it last week.”

“Don’t be! We’re so glad to have you part of this and I think everyone else on the cast is too.” She consoled before exiting.

Out of both nerves and boredom, you tapped your nails against the table’s rough, wooden surface. The crew buzzed around out in the hallway but you sighed, left by yourself with butterflies in your stomach.

You weren’t able to make it to the original cast meeting as you were wrapping up your last film when it happened. This meant that everyone else already had the chance to get acquainted with each other, leaving you to feel out of the loop no matter how much all the producers reassured you that you were still welcome.

Halfway through scrolling through Twitter, your ears pricked up at the calling of your name.

“Hey, I’m Lucy.” The soft voice introduced, a toothless grin painted on her face. You stood and she pulled you in for a hug, quick to compliment your outfit.

“Thank you, it’s weird cause I’ve been to dozens of these table reads but I never know what to wear.” You replied and she nodded in agreement.

“I know, people either dress really fancy, in character or just go extremely casual. It’s odd to have to find the happy medium.”

Following that, you and Lucy spring into a conversation about clothing and bond over all the fashion choices Freddie Mercury had made in his time. You found the friendship to form quickly and immediately took a liking to your new costar.

“Is she in there?” A voice spoke from the hallway.

“Yeah, she’s there with Lucy.” Another answered.

Your eyes bounced away from your new friend to the doorway as three figures filed in, each handsome in their own form. The butterflies from earlier began to saturate your stomach again and you beamed nervously.

“H-Hi.” You said, anxiously bouncing off the balls of your feet.

“I’m Joe, it’s nice to finally meet you.” The American accent shined through as you shook his hand.

“Y/N, and you as well.”

“I’m Gwilym, but call me Gwil please.”

“I’m Rami.”

You grinned at the three men as they took their seats around the table. They politely asked about how your flight back to London went and were brisk to make you feel more welcome into the cast. You soon forgot that you missed the last meeting and felt right at home with them.

“Sorry I’m late!” A blond haired man shouted as he jogged through the door. He puffed out a few heavy sighs, wiping away sweat from his forehead. His eyes wandered through the room, throwing nods to all the other actors before landing on you.

You forced a smile onto your lips. He lent forward, sticking a hand out for you to shake.

“Hi, I’m Ben.” He smiled warmly, green eyes piercing through your skin and you breathed out slowly. God, he’s breathtaking. Are people as pretty as him allowed to exist?

“I’m Y/N.” You uttered, taking his large hand in yours. He squeezes it gently before pulling away, gaze not leaving yours.

This man is beautiful and I’m meant to be working alongside HIM? You thought to yourself. 

“Traffic’s terrible right now, isn’t it?” You said in an attempt to make conversation. He chuckled, taking the seat right next to yours. Your eyes willfully racked his outfit and disheveled hair, causing your mind to wander to dirtier places.

“Yeah, but I was just late cause I overslept.” He replied, causing everyone to laugh.

“Okay, everyone’s met and is for the table read, I presume?” The director poked his head in and everyone exits the room. Ben made sure that he held the door open for you, sporting a polite grin as you passed him.

You noted the habit he has of biting his lip, but just for a second before he realised what he was doing and stopped himself.

“Your flight in alright?” He questioned, tugging you away from your train of thought.

“Uh-yeah.” You answered. He reached a hand out to your hair, causing your heartbeat to pick up.

“Sorry, you’ve got something right… here.” Ben opened his palm out to show you a small piece of cotton that somehow made its way into your hair.

You gulped, half unable to look away from his large hand, half embarrassed at the revelation. “Oh, I don’t know how that got there.”

He laughed once more and you let out a breath, the sound of it like music to your ears already.

This man is going to be trouble for me. 

-

At the large rectangular table, you were placed in between Ben and Aaron McCusker, who you found was going to be playing Jim Hutton.

After chatting with Aaron for a couple minutes, you felt a pair of eyes sink into the back of your head. Aaron’s gaze bounced to and from your face, eventually drifting behind you.

“Looks like you’ve got an admirer.” He commented.

You followed his line of sight and became face to face with Ben, who you assumed was the person staring at you.

“Can I help you?” You sassily cut in. Aaron snickered from next to you and you couldn't help the smile that broke onto your face.

“Nope.” Ben replied, popping the “p” in the word. He shifted his body back forward and avoided your eyes, as if he didn’t just spend the last minute with his eyes locked on you.

You chortled and turned back to Aaron, who threw you an amused look and shrugs.

Minutes passed as you waited for everyone else to settle into the room. You couldn’t help but think about the on-screen Roger Taylor next to you, whose deep, husky voice and bright green eyes immediately took to your heart.

If you’re honest, you hadn’t heard of Ben Hardy until you found out who else was cast in Bo Rhap. After a quick google search on him, you thought he was cute but didn’t pay much mind to him until today.

Yet that day, you couldn’t stop thinking about him. And you’ve had a total of three interactions with the man, one of them including him pointing out the cotton in your hair.

Your teeth sank down into your lips as your eyes drift to the side of you, towards where Ben was sitting comfortably. He was chatting with Joe next to him so he didn’t notice your stares, or at least that’s what you wanted like to believe.

You shifted back to Aaron but felt the same pair of eyes on you again, and so you swung your body to face Ben’s.

“Do you always stare at people you’ve just met?”

“I don’t know, do you always stare at people you’ve just met?” He replied, a shit-eating grin making its way onto his face to report to you that he’s joking.

“Were you staring at me cause I was looking at you or were you genuinely staring at me?”

“So you admit to the staring.” He smirked, sitting back cockily with his arms crossed.

“I was merely glancing.”

“Then I was too.” Ben further teased, causing you to roll your eyes.

“But you started it!” You retort, well aware of how childish you sound. But to be fair, he did fire first.

Joe laid one hand on your shoulder, the other on Ben’s and patted them gently. “Now now children, settle down. We’re almost getting started.” Ben snickered to himself before turning his gaze back to you.

“Are you going to quit staring at me?” You snapped, feeling slightly annoyed at his persistence.

You were met with silence as Ben proceeded to survey your face, an amused smirk playing off his lips. You held up the script to act as a divider until Gwil strolled by.

“Is there a reason why you’re holding up the script like that?”

Ben shrugged. “I dunno, guess she just likes it that way.”

At this point, you were almost fuming, to which Gwil just laughed. He knew a good joke when he sees one and Ben was milking the shit out of it.

“Is that what the next few months are going to be like? You harassing me with your stares and smug face?” You prodded.

There was a wicked glint in Ben’s eyes as he leaned leaned in, as if he was going to tell spill something important. But a smirked wiggled onto his lips at the last second as he said;

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

-

Following the banter at the table read, your friendship with the Bo Rhap boys and Lucy flourished. To have chemistry on-screen and off screen was extremely rare for a group as large as yours but you all spoke as if you had known each other for years.

You found a family within them as you each looked after each other. Gwil and Joe especially came to be like older brothers to you. Lucy was quick to become your best friend and Rami was everything in between. 

And despite your efforts to evade feelings for him, you couldn’t stop your ever-growing affection for Ben (although you’d never admit it to him.) You found yourself lingering around him a bit more, whether it be through eye contact, brushing your fingers against his when handing him something, or the hugs he’d give you each day before you left the set.

To everyone else on set, it quickly became obvious how close you two had gotten in such a short while. 

You spent copious amounts of time in each other’s trailers, to which any other person would assume things, but in truth you and Ben were doing everything but. In the moments of free time that you guys did have on set, you’d either be running lines, watching Ben practice drums or having a talk about, well, anything.

The first day you felt something for him was actually on set, inside his trailer. It was the day he thought he had to play the drum solo for “Keep Yourself Alive.”

Mid-July 2017: On set 

“Ben?” You knocked on his door gently. With no reply, you remained in your place. “I uh, I heard you’re gonna be doing the drum solo today? I’m really excited to hear it.”

“Ben?” Your knuckles scraped his door again. The sound of footsteps filled your ears before Matt, Ben’s drum instructor opened the door, but just fast enough for you to come in. He eyed Ben once more and gave him a short wave.

“I’ll give you guys a moment.” Matt threw you a concerned look. You caught it and the last second and inwardly sighed.

With a gentle approach, you whispered “Hi.”, the couch dipping as you took the seat across from him.

He looked up at you, eyes full of a fear that you had never seen from him before. You wanted to frown, the bags under his eyes plus the unruly blond hair atop his head was a complete opposite from the confident, suave man you met just the other day.

“I just wanted to drop by and see if you’re okay. Everyone’s asking for you out there and I figured if you hadn’t come out by now, something must be wrong.”

“I can’t fucking do it.” Ben uttered, voice strained from the stress.

“What do you mean?”

“I lied, I can’t play the drums, or at least, I can’t play it to that degree. I know the basics but I lied when they asked if I could play the drums because I really wanted this role and I’m regretting getting it now because they’re gonna know I can’t play shit and I’m going to lose all this.” He let out. He refused to meet your eyes, shifting his vision from the window to the floor.

You bit your lip, knowing the truth behind the request for him to play drums. Part of you wanted to keep the prank on, Rami had worked hard and it wasn’t your place to spoil it.

But the man in front of you seemed quite torn up and you couldn’t help yourself. You hardly knew him except for the few jokes he made around you and the sarcastic lines you threw back but your heart went out to him. You didn’t expect him to unload on you but this only made you respect him even more. He wasn’t afraid to show his vulnerability around you, and the least you could do was rally for him.

“You wanna hear a secret?”

Ben lifted his head again, green eyes greeting yours. He gave you an expectant look, wondering exactly how you could fix the situation.

“It’s a joke.” You voiced.

His face crinkled into one of confusion, blinking rapidly at you. “What?”

“You don’t actually have to play that solo. Roger Taylor didn’t request for you to play anything.”

Ben’s eyes widened, jaw dropping in disbelief. “Tell me you’re not joking, please tell me you’re not joking.” He grabbed your hands eagerly and you glanced down at the gesture; he hadn’t really made moves of contact but now was not the time to dwell on it.

“I’m not, it was all a prank.”

“Well who’s fucking prank?!” He yelled, hopping onto his feet.

You squeaked. “I-I can’t tell you that, I’ve said too much, he’d kill me.”

“Well whoever he is, I’m gonna fucking kill him!” He said, bringing you to laughter. He threw his hands in the air and strolled over to the door. “Roger’s requested for you to do the solo, Ben.” He mocked the assistant directors that came up to him.

His eyes were glazed with a vendetta, gesturing for you to come along to confront the mastermind behind the prank.

Rami never quite found out who spoiled the joke as Ben kept you from getting thrown under the bus, but he had an inkling it was you. From that day on, you and Ben grew to be each other’s partners in crime on set.

Gwil was the first to truly notice how much time you spent with Ben when he walked over to your trailer, only for him to discover it was empty.

August 2017: Ben’s trailer. 

Your makeup artist told Gwil that you went over to Ben’s, and he raised a brow but strolled over to the blond man’s trailer. When inside, he saw that your makeup artist was telling the truth as he found you lying on the couch with Ben adjacent to it, deep in a conversation about existentialism.

“Are you guys okay?” Gwil cautiously eyed the two of you as if he had just walked in on something strange.

Ben lifted his head from the couch to nod at him. “Huh? Oh yeah mate, we’re alright.”

“We’re just talking about life and existence and how Freddie changed the world of music as we know it, and how we literally would not be here if it wasn’t for him, and the fragility of life as a whole, really. I mean, Freddie was just 45 when he left us but he’s forever changed all our lives, even if it’s been almost 30 years.” You rambled, glancing up at the Bo Rhap version of Brian May.

His eyes widen, perhaps he did walk in on something strange.

“Is that what you two do when you’re in each other’s trailers? Have heavy chats about life and death? Jesus.”

“I mean, not all the time.” Ben corrected, standing to grab a packet of crisps off the table. “Sometimes we talk about sports.”

“Ben does most of the talking when that happens.” You joked, reaching over to grab a crisp from Ben’s grasp.

“Interesting.” Gwil articulated. “And there we all were, thinking you guys were in some secret relationship.”

“No!” You hastily replied, causing both Ben and Gwil’s eyes to widen. “I-I mean, no, that’s not it. I can see why people would assume though.”

An awkward air filled the room as Ben continued to chew his food slowly.

You inwardly screamed and wondered to yourself why you were so quick to correct Gwil’s assumption. Would it be so bad if you and Ben were dating? Your teeth sank down to the flesh of your bottom lip as you hovered over the notion.

Yes, yes it would. You thought. You didn’t have much luck dating your costars in the past and had built up such a beautiful friendship with Ben that you didn’t want to ruin it. He was someone you knew you could trust, someone you knew you could depend on and someone you felt safe with. It wasn’t often that you found that in a person and yet there he was.

I’m not going to fall in love with him. You spoke firmly to yourself.

Gwil cleared his throat, stiffly looking down at the ground. The silence when Lucy peeked her head through the trailer door.

“Knock knock.” She announced sweetly and you sighed with relief.

“Lucy!” You strode over, wrapping your arms around your friend.

“We were looking for you guys everywhere.” Rami greeted as the couple moved in, taking seats around Ben’s trailer.

“We started at Gwil’s but he left a sign saying he was “out of trailer”...?” Lucy’s voice trailed off as she looked to the man, who shook his head briskly.

“Yeah, yeah. I decided to start putting that up in case people go looking for me.”

“You’re a dork.” You snorted, causing everyone to laugh.

“Excuse you! It’s actually very helpful, especially in cases such as yours where you weren’t even there!”

“Gwil if I’m not in my trailer, you and everyone else knows I’m either where the food is, at Lucy’s or at Ben’s. It’s not that hard.”

Everyone else but Gwil murmured in agreement, causing you to smirk in superiority.

“Okay, well, some of us aren’t as predictable, so.”

“Anyways!” Lucy cut in. “So we went over to the food and thought maybe we’d find Y/N there,” She gestured to you. “But she wasn’t, and when you weren’t in your trailer Y/N, we realised you’re probably at Ben’s.”

You nodded respectively. “You really aren’t wrong there Luc. I’m here half the time. Only cause Ben has the better snacks.”

“Hey!” He shouted before shoving another crisp into his mouth. You reached over again and quickly stole one, to which he just rolled his eyes and held out the bag for you.

“Why wasn’t I invited to the party?” Joe chimed in, suddenly appearing at the doorway. You all laugh before getting called over to lunch by the production assistant.

As if the previous awkward conversation didn’t exist, Ben smiled at you kindly and picked your bag up for you and held the door as you walked out.

“You’re still coming over later for pizza, yeah?” He asked, plump lips in a small pout to plead for you to say yes.

You nodded, a gentle smile approaching your mouth. “Of course, wouldn’t miss it.” 

Fuck, okay. Maybe I will fall in love with him.

At lunch, everyone knew that the seat to Ben’s right was going to be taken by you, even if there were no other seats left at the table.

“Oh, sorry mate. Y/N going to be sitting there. She’s just left to get a drink.” He told Allen Leech one day when he tried to snag your spot. Allen’s brows raised in amusement as he shrugged and proceeded to search for another seat elsewhere.

This became a running joke for everyone else on set, as whenever Ben had an open spot next to him, everyone avoided it like the plague.

“No one sit on Ben’s right!” The director would called out. “It’s Y/N’s spot, apparently.”

On those days, you would just roll your eyes and purposefully sit next to Lucy if it was convenient. She was another person who didn’t fail to tease you about your friendship with Ben.

Late August 2017: Lucy’s trailer.

“So you and Roger Taylor, hm?” She nudged, causing you to roll your eyes.

“Ugh, you wish.” You said, taking the spot across from her on the couch. “I told myself I wouldn’t, even if it were possible. It’s just never worked out for me and Ben’s too valuable of a friend to lose.”

“Yes, but think of the possibilities of you marrying your best friend! You get to shag them and then have fun while making morning-after pancakes together!” She teased.

“Don’t.” You groaned, shoving your hands in your face at the thought of it. “I can’t think about that Lucy, I can’t like him that way! Besides, I’m 99% sure he only sees me as a friend.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Well, he asked me if I wanted to play Fifa the other day and told me he “plays it with all his mates.”

She scrunched her nose. “Oh, no. I’m sorry love.”

“Eh, I mean. I think that makes it easier on me, knowing that he doesn’t see me that way? Saves all the confusion and heartbreak.”

“Well, I mean I wouldn’t be set on the idea that he doesn’t like you either. If you think about it, sports is one of the things he loves and he’s sharing that with you. Plus he saves your seat at lunch, holds doors open for you, calls you “love” and stuff.”

“He’s English. You’re English. Everyone calls each other love. The lady at Tesco’s called me “love” last night!” You argued, causing her to roll her eyes.

“I’m just saying. Keep an open mind, love. Guys can show love in their own, peculiar ways which you don’t realise until you think about it.

Lucy’s words planted themselves into your mind as you left set that day, but of course, you couldn’t explore it too much as Ben walked along with you.

This was another thing he did which drove you mad. Ben always walked you to your car.

At first, escorting you to your car was out of coincidence because you somehow parked next to him for the first week, but even when you were parked on opposite ends of the lot, he still accompanied you. You’d tell him he didn’t need to but he would shrug and say it’s a habit and how he wants to make sure you’re safe. On top of that, he never failed to tell you to “Drive safe” and bid you a goodnight.

Even then, it wouldn’t be the end of the conversation.

You’d return home and check your phone to find a meme or two from him, or a variation of snapchats based on whatever he was up to.

“Frankie’s beating me at Fifa.” He’d caption the photo, which was of his dog holding the controller in front of the TV.

“Frankie is my favorite Hardy.” You’d reply, causing him to send you a snap of him rolling his eyes and saying “He’s got nothing on me.”

September 2017: Ben’s flat. 

When the opportunity struck for the entire cast of Bo Rhap to bond, you’d all gather at someone’s house (usually Gwil’s or Ben’s) for dinner and drinks, which eventually turned into playing around with Ben’s nintendo switch.

“I’m partners with Gwil.”

“Aw! Joe, I was just gonna ask to be your partner.” Gwil fake shed a tear, going over to hug the man.

When it came to you and Ben, however, you two were automatically each other’s partners. This was secretly a doing of Lucy and Rami, who paired up on the first night because they wanted to see you and Ben together.

As it turned out, you and Ben were perfect together when it came to beating other teams at Mario Party and it was a rarity that you guys lost.

The games went late into the night, with which Lucy and Rami left when it turned midnight. You, Gwil, Joe and Ben remained.

And when Ben stepped outside to make a phone call, the three of you were left to your own devices as you waited for him to return to resume playing.

“So you and Ben, huh. I’d support it, 100%.” Gwil started.

“What do you mean?” You looked at him as if he had just spouted something ridiculous.

“You guys are getting pretty close, which means Gwil and I are gonna start fifth and sixth wheeling.” Joe remarked, turning to Gwil. “Unless..?”

Gwil rolled his eyes before you reply. “There is no Ben and I, we’re just friends.”

“But you like him.” Gwil prodded.

You open your mouth, suddenly becoming very flushed.

Come on Y/N, you’re an actress, you can lie.

Wait, why are you gonna lie? You don’t like him, do you?

OH FUCK. Do you like Ben???? OH my god.

He’s so cute though, and he holds the door open for you, he always makes you laugh, he’s got the sweetest eyes and oh god, that voice. Especially when you see him for those early mornings.

WAIT. NO.

You can’t like Ben. NO. You promised me, you promised you that you wouldn’t! Self control! You have a rule!

Fuck, what’re you gonna do?!

Okay wait no before we game plan this maybe juST ANSWER GWIL HE’S GETTING SUSPICIOUS.

“Jeez, did I break we or something?” Joe waved hand over your face, snapping you out of your thoughts.

“She likes him, that’s adorable.” Gwil murmured to Joe, who nodded understandingly.

“Well, I-” Before Gwil can say anything of substance, his phone rings, leaving just you and Joe in the room.

“I can’t believe I like him.” You whispered to yourself, barely audible but Joe picked it up. You had a rule against dating your co-stars and had told Gwil and Joe about it. However, they seemed adamant to push you away from that. 

“I can’t believe you didn’t know you liked him.” He laughed. “It’s so obvious to everyone.”

“Everyone?”

“Yes, even that PA that just passes out coffee to all of us. Even he knows.”

You bit your lip, concern washing all over you. Fuck, was it that obvious?

“If you’re wondering why I brought it up, well, I’m just going to say I think you should be careful, especially considering Ben’s situation.” Joe disclosed, reaching over to grab his drink off the coffee table.

“What situation? What do you mean?” You questioned, doubled in concerned over Ben and everyone knowing.

“Who do you think he’s on the phone with?”

“I don’t know, it literally could be anyone.” You retort, rolling your eyes. “C’mon, tell me, what’re you talking about? Is Ben dying or something?”

“I would sure hope not.” Gwil said, making his way back into the room.

“Oh shit.” Joe uttered. “You don’t know, do you?”

“Know what? What the fuck are you guys talking about?”

“She doesn’t know about Katriona.” Joe said to Gwil, but you picked up the name.

“Who’s that?” Your mouth went dry at the thought of him with someone else. Your palms begin to get sweaty as your heart rate picks up, who’s Katriona and what does she have to do with Ben?

“You guys never spoke about your love life? Like ever? Or have you ever even googled him, Y/N?”

You shook your head vigorously. “Love life, that just never came up. I dunno, I just never wanted to broach the subject because I think I’ve been afraid to know the answer.” Joe licked his lips, unsure of how to say the next few words but you seemed to know what he was going to say.

“Katriona’s not, oh my god. Is she his ex or something? Please don’t tell me she-”

“-I think you should speak to Ben on that one. We don’t know much but clearly there’s something you guys need to talk about, or at least something he hasn’t told you.” Gwil cut you off.

You stared down at the coffee table, noting the cookie you and Ben had shared earlier.

All of it felt pathetic now. All the little signs you thought were signs but just coincidences, all the conversations until the wee hours, snack sharing in his trailer, hell, the walks you went on with Frankie when Ben brought him on set. Ben knowing your tea or coffee order and taking all your song recommendations, making sure to give you a review on them the next day. 

All of it felt useless now in your mind, and you felt useless to him. A fool, really. 

You blinked away the tears that dared to escape your eyes as you watched Ben go through his phone call. You noticed the grin on his lips, the way he spoke with his hands when he got excited, all of it. All of that he used to do around you, and he still does. But there was a light in his eyes and you wondered if you ever did that for him.

Before anyone could say anything else, Ben returned from outside, the door slamming shut behind him. Gwil and Joe sipped their drinks awkwardly, not knowing what else to tell you. They had opened Pandora’s box and were afraid about what was going to happen to your relationship with Ben.

“What’d I miss? Why’s everyone look like they’ve just discovered something?” Ben spoke into the room.

You faked a smile as you raised an empty glass. “You’re out of my favorite wine, I think.”

“Oh?” Ben sauntered over to the cabinet, pulling out another bottle. “I bought another one just because I thought this would happen.”

Joe eyed you wearily, knowing the gesture would present a dull ache in your chest. He was right.

“You know what?” You began, standing from your position on the couch. “I think I’m just gonna head home, actually.”

Ben frowned, setting down the bottle of wine before making his way to you.

“No! Don’t go! We haven’t beat them yet!” He waved his hands over to the TV, a pout on his lips.

“It’s late, Ben. And I don’t feel so good.”

“I’ll make you some tea!” He pleaded. Gwil and Joe furrowed their brows at his eagerness for you to stay. “Don’t go yet, please.”

Gwil opened his mouth as if to protest but you cut him off knowing full well you’d regret your decision. But you couldn’t resist his sweet eyes and the prospect of him making tea just as he knew you liked it.

“Okay. Just one more round, though.”

-

Two weeks later, in the middle of September, just before the boys were set to film the famous “Not the coffee machine!” scene, you were pulled aside by Gwil and Joe.

You couldn’t help but giggle as Joe was still not wigged-up, but his perm was in full display.

“Can I help you boys with anything?” You questioned, voice raised in sarcasm.

“Y-Yeah, erm.” Gwil struggled to approach the subject. “Have you talked to Ben yet about you know… that night?”

Your smile vanished at the mention of it. You had yet to find a good time for it, but you were also reluctant because part of you didn’t want to find out if he was in the process of dating someone else. You really just wanted to ignore it all and hoped it resolved itself.

“N-No. I haven’t. I’m a little scared to, if I’m honest.”

Joe pursed his lips as Gwil sighed. Part of you wondered why they were so invested in it all. Did they know something you didn’t?

“I think you should do it soon.” Joe said.

“Why?” You spoke sharply. “What difference will it make if I approach him now about it versus next week or something? I mean, all in all, we can tell he’s in a pending relationship with someone that’s not me which means he clearly doesn’t like me so I truly don’t think me asking him now about his current relationship status is going to change how he feels about me, if anything at all.”

You breathed harshly, not knowing all the pent-up anger you were harboring. Perhaps the whole situation was affecting you more than you realised.  

But you didn’t treat Ben any differently, and he, you. Although one thing you noticed was that he was on his phone a bit more and seemed to take more of his free time to be on the phone instead of hanging out with you. Not that he was any different when you two were together, simply that he was more private about himself, something you weren’t used to as he was normally an open book.

You felt weird being so intrusive. I mean, who were you to be asking him about his own personal business?

Someone who’s in love with him, perhaps.

Fuck, did I just say I’m in love with Ben?

“Y/N.” Gwil spoke firmly, tone to show he was in an authoritative mood. “Please, don’t let this get the best of you.”

“Why do you guys care so much anyways?” You whispered lowly, eyes focused on the ground below you. It was a soft grass, and you wished you could lie in a field of it elsewhere instead of being in your current situation. “This isn’t going to affect you directly.”

“But it is.” Joe said. “We’re a family, now Y/N. And we look out for each other. We care about you and we don’t want to see you upset because of miscommunication.”

Too late for that.

“I-I don’t even know how to approach him about it. He’ll tell me anything but this, and I dunno, I’m just scared to lose him.”

“If he’s the good guy we know he is, beneath being so secretive, then we know that you won’t ever lose him in that way at least, okay?”

“How do I do approach this without making it completely obvious that I’m in love with him?” You said shyly, glancing up for their reactions.

Gwil and Joe exchanged looks before the latter spoke, scratching his head in reluctance.

“You’re an actress. You’ll figure it out.”

Your eyes met the back of your head at his words. “Wow, and the Oscar for best advice goes to Joe Mazzello with the perm.”

Mid-October 2017: Your flat in London.

When Bo Rhap reached its halfway point for filming, you decided to throw a dinner party for the close friends you had made.

And of course, you still hadn’t spoken to Ben about the mysterious Katriona despite all of Gwil and Joe’s hints at it. But one thing came out of it; you had reconciled with your feelings for Ben and came to the conclusion that you were without a doubt head-over-heels for him and would do just about anything to see him happy, even if it meant watching him be with someone else.

However, the day of the dinner party, when everyone but Ben seemed to cancel, you decided that perhaps that night would be best to approach him on the secretive subject.

“I’m sick.” Joe texted you.

“Lucy has a family emergency and I’m going with her for it.” Rami said over the phone.

Gwilym however, never confirmed to begin with, leaving just you to wonder if they had orchestrated this so that you and Ben would have the night to yourselves. Part of you was curious as to if he would even come at this point, knowing how far he had been from everyone lately.

“I’m not sure if they’ve told you but everyone else cancelled. You can still come if you want, I literally have so much food and no one’s going to eat it but it’s just gonna be the two of us so I understand if you don’t want to.” You sent the message to Ben, who replied not a minute later.

“Of course I’m still going to come, it can’t be a dinner party if it’s just one. That’s sad.” He joked, later bringing the bottle of wine you told him to after saying how good it would go with the rest of the meal. (And you were right, which Ben would never admit.)

It was all good fun with him and for a moment you felt normal. You slowly retracted any thought about asking him about whoever “Katriona” was and you felt a sliver of hope for a future with him. That is until his phone rang halfway through dessert.

“Oh, I should take this, I’m sorry Y/N.” He said. You nodded and watched as he shuffled off.

You sat silently, playing around with the ice cream in your bowl. Ben was as kind as they came, a gentleman from the day you met him. But there he left you, alone at dinner. Your thoughts on the notion were not pleasing to the brain or heart as you felt the latter crumble with every second that past.

The phone call was short, just a couple minutes, but enough to make you curious as to why he’d leave to take it. You even saw once when his mum called, he texted that he’d call her back later then returned to a meal with you.

“Who’s that?” You asked innocently as he returned.

“Oh, uh, that was Katriona.” He said carefully before taking his seat again.

Your palms dampened as your heart beat out of your chest, the same feeling you got when Joe first mentioned her. “And she is…?”

“My uh.. My girlfriend. Sort of, we’ve been on and off but I guess we’re back on now? It’s safe to say that, I think.”

You choke at his words, forcing a smile on your lips. “Girlfriend? Y-You never mentioned her.”

“Oh, yeah, I mean it really wasn’t until yesterday that I got to call her that. We reconnected again over the past month and yesterday she told me she wanted to get back together so I thought I’d give it a go.” Ben explained. He dipped a spoon into his ice cream, lifting his eyes up to watch for your reaction.

“W-Wow, I don’t even know what to say. I think I’m just a bit…” You licked your lips, trying to find the right words. “surprised, that you didn’t tell me. I thought I was-”

“Yeah, you’re one of my best friends, don’t worry on that. You’re the first person I’ve told, really. I didn’t want to jinx it and now that it’s official, well.” He smiles at the last bit.

Liar. You told to yourself. Ben told Joe and Gwil about her weeks before you even entered the conversation. And you don’t know what’s worse. The fact that he lied or the fact that he so clearly cemented you in the friendzone that you can’t even move your arm in your position, much less get out of it.

“That’s, wow. That’s lovely.” You finally spoke, hoping he wouldn’t notice the pain behind your voice. And he didn’t as he smiled, scooping more ice cream into his mouth. 

You set down your spoon and resigned yourself to feeling anything else that night. A big bowl of numbness for you instead. And the ice cream. 

Ben was quiet as you chortled to yourself, wondering how you allowed your heart to make you so delusional. So wrapped up in him when he was with someone else all along. 

“I wish you both nothing but happiness.”

-  

“He’s fucking dating someone, Lucy! He’s dating some girl named Katriona and didn’t even mention to me that he was speaking to her! Me! And I see him every fucking day!” You screamed into her trailer. Lucy’s face scrunches as she clutched a pillow, watching you pace around.

“Did I mean nothing to him? Did all the moments we shared together mean shit? Is he just that nice of a guy? He walks me to my car every bloody day and I’m supposed to take that as him just being nice?! My god, I genuinely thought we had something, but apparently I like to make shit up in my head because he certainly did not see that.”

Lucy gulped, patting the seat down next to her as you sigh.

“Has he treated you any different?” 

“No.” You answered solemnly. “I mean, not really. Sort of, actually. That’s what throwing me off. He’s on his phone a lot more and seems more to himself which I mean I can’t get on him for because I’m not going to force confessions and explanations out of him but he still walks me to my car and manages to bring me tea every once in a while.” 

You bit your lip before swallowing harshly at the memories. The pillow that was once in Lucy’s hands was now within your grip. It brought you some level of comfort, knowing there was something you could hold onto.

“But I’ve stopped coming to his trailer and stuff. Just to give it some distance. I’m not even sure if he’s noticed.” 

“I’m sorry.” She whispered, causing you to look at her incredulously.

“What’re you sorry for?!”

“I feel like we all sort of put the idea of liking him in your head ‘cause we kept teasing you about it, the boys and I. And we genuinely thought you two would end up together because it seemed so fitting but…” She frowned. You grabbed her shoulders and tugged her in for a hug.

“Don’t be sorry, don’t ever say sorry. You guys did nothing but pull out feelings that were there anyways, I just needed to realise them. And now that I have, I can get over them, and him.”

“Don’t worry Y/N, life has a way of working itself out.”

“Aww.” Ben’s voice echoed through the trailer. The two of you pull away, Lucy eyeing him carefully. “That’s cute.”

“Can I help you with something?” You bit back, almost a bit too harshly. You wondered if he heard anything at all. 

“I-uh.” Ben stuttered, not expecting your hostility. “I was just looking for you cause you hadn’t stopped by my trailer like usual. I just wanted to say they called lunch… is everything alright?”

You shrugged, plastering a smile on your face. “It’s nothing.”

And that’s how it became between you and Ben.

You slowly distanced yourself from him following that dinner. You went from replying instantly to his memes and snapchats to leaving hours between them, although not that he sent them frequently anyways. If you did open his snapchats, some of them contained Katriona, and you left him on read half the time.

Around the set, you spent less and less time in his trailer. On days when you felt like going over there, you resisted and instead hung around other cast members or around Brian and Roger themselves if they were on set. At lunch, you began trading seats with other people, telling them it was okay to take your usual spot next to Ben and that you wanted to mingle with others.

Ben started to see less of you and wondered if he did something wrong, to which you always answered “You did nothing wrong, I just needed to do something else.”

But on the day he brought Katriona on set, you almost lost it in front of him. 

Late November 2017: On set. 

The set of Bo Rhap, aside from being around Ben, was the one place you could feel yourself because it was something she didn’t penetrate. Yet he strolled through the set with her on his arm and you didn’t know what to do with yourself.

“Guys! This is Kat. Kat, this is everyone.” Ben introduced her, beaming as he listed off everyone’s names.

You eyed her attentively, noting the genuine pleasure on her face from being around Ben and the people he cared for. When it got to you, she reached forward for a hug and told you words you weren’t expecting to hear.

“Thank you for taking care of him, Y/N.”

You felt the life sucked out of you when she uttered those words and you didn’t know whether to scream or cry. You’d do both when you got home of course, but for now, you settled for a smile and pushed down the tears that were simmering up.

“Anytime.” You whispered. “It’s lovely to meet you by the way.”

Ben and Katriona the moved on and continued to wander around the set, everyone seeming to give you looks of sympathy afterwards. They all rallied for you and Ben to be together so this came as a shock to everyone.

You ardently watched as they held hands, Ben occasionally wrapping his arm around her shoulder.

They’re perfect for each other. You stand pathetically, fiddling with the rings around your fingers as part of your costume.

You didn’t stop the tears from rolling down but Rami was quick to make sure Ben didn’t notice when he placed his arm around you.

“C’mon.” He said and you simply nodded, leaning into his grip for comfort as he lead you away from your heartache.

“I waited too long to tell him.” You uttered whilst finally allowing yourself to cry. “I could’ve told him at any point, even before he got into that relationship with her. But I waited too long to tell him I’m in love with him and he’s got someone else.”

“Shh.” Rami soothed, leading you back into your trailer. He figured you would skip lunch and you felt grateful that he knew you so well. “There’s no point in you dwelling on that, okay? It’s gonna hurt, it’s gonna fucking suck. But you know what?”

You met his eyes and died a bit more inside as the flecks of green in them so heavily reminded you of your favorite pair of green eyes.

“What?”

“You are so much stronger than what you feel right now. You are so much stronger than to let what’s happening to him, affect how you are. You remember how you were before him?” You nodded, following along with Rami’s words. “Okay, now you take that amazingly talented woman and you add her with all this shittyness and you make a better, stronger version of you who frankly does not need anyone. I know you don’t.”

“Rami, I think she just wants to sit and cry right now.” Lucy voiced delicately, standing at the doorway of your trailer.

Rami stood, chortling as Lucy made her way over. “I-sorry, I’m really trying here, Y/N.”

“No no, I’m grateful. I’m going to keep that with me Rami, thank you.” You said, smiling at him through tear filled eyes. “Now go get lunch before everyone notices all of us missing.”

“I’m staying here with you.” Lucy asserted whilst planting herself firmly in your trailer. She threw a look to Rami who nodded before exiting. She moved to hold you as you cried gently to yourself, occasionally handing you a tissue.

“Men are shit, Y/N. We really don’t need them.” She whispered, causing you to giggle. “She could be a terrible person, you don’t know that.”

“I doubt that.” You replied. “If Ben likes her then she has to be a good person. He shouldn’t and wouldn’t settle for anything less.”

Lucy sighed, even in your heartbreak you still wanted the best for Ben. She squeezed you tighter and rubbed your back gently.

“We’re going to get you through this. I promise.”

-

Ben turned his head back to glance at you. He observed Rami wrapping an arm around you and guiding you to the opposite direction. A frown swept across his face as he felt he had more to say to you but the moment did not permit for it.

“Ben?” Katriona echoed whilst tapping his shoulder.

“Yeah?” He spun back around to face her.

“Are you ready for lunch?” She grinned.

Ben nodded, glancing at your moving figure once more. He could’ve sworn he saw a tear fall down onto your cheek before Rami turned you around.

“Hey mate, is Y/N coming to lunch?” He asked Gwil who was passing by. Gwil pursed his lips, shaking his head.

“Probably not. She said she felt sick and Lucy’s in her trailer with her to help out.”

“Aw.” Katriona frowned. “I really wanted to get to know her better. Ben speaks about her so greatly and she seems like a nice person.”

Gwil nodded, although the idea of Ben speaking to other people about you remained on his mind. He made a mental note to talk to Ben about it later.

“Yeah, but she’ll be around.”

“Maybe we can swing by her trailer later?” Ben suggested. “We can bring her lunch-”

“No!” Gwil said a bit too strongly, raising looks from Ben and Katriona. “D-Don’t, she said she really doesn’t wanna see anyone right now. Sorry mate.”

Ben watched as Gwil then strode off and pondered on how little he had seen you over the past month and a half. He did want to help you if you were sick and hated the idea of not having you around, especially with Katriona there, who didn’t seem to mind their friendship. She trusted him and he loved that about her.

He let out a chaste breath, wondering why he felt such a draw to comfort you when he had a loving girlfriend right in front of him.

Ben’s eyes fell to the ground before he felt Katriona grip his cheeks, forcing him to stare at her. She smiled lovingly and Ben reciprocated.

Enough now. Ben thought to himself. Enough.

—

Read Part Three: “Lie To Me”

Send me a request, nsfw talk about Rami, Ben or Freddie, or just overall love here :) Let me know if you wanna be tagged for the next part! 

Tags: @mswinterfalcon @dreamy–far-off–look @xxx-kannstdunicht-xxx  @emothrash @intertwine-fingers@multifandomgirlrandomstuff @alexaaab @pietrorunsforme @rogerfuckxxngtaylor @bethboth @rogerinatrash 

[merry-go-round-jailhouse]

Hello sillies this is a monumental post for me. Remember before how I was like “Oh I don’t know any music. I can’t name anything I listen to.” You know... like an idiot. Well that’s not me anymore! Because of the internet and apps! Thank you internet and apps! So here is a list of albums and bands and songs that I listened to a lot last year.

*Disclaimer* yes you will notice this list is 95% Japanese musicians... and before any of you girlies try to roast me for that just KNOW I am prepared to whip out my Counterattack Card and let you know it’s actually an act of bravery against your Amerikkkan Western-centric capitalist hetero... homopho... homophone... homo sapi... um something musical hegemony so just TRY to rib me. While you were going on dates I was studying Maoist Third Worldism... also it’s the algorithms’ fault anyway for always recommending Japanese musicians to me so take it up with them!

This is all off the top of my head and in no definitive rankings and there’s no sense to the organization of this post. Links to albums or those “official” auto-generated playlists on Youtube when possible otherwise they’re usually on Spotify. And yes I will have to resort to checking wikipedia to describe genres :)

As I was making this list I realized I have to break it up so here’s “Part One”

Swinging Popiscle - I love this band! Indie pop/rock according to Wikipedia lol. One of my favorite songs of the entire year is on one of these albums but I won’t say what it is because if you read the lyrics it will give you too much insight into my stupid melodramatic inner life. Did I belt it out every time I got severely drunk??? You guess...

Fennec!

Transit (Youtube playlist)

Flow

Swinging Popsicle

Go On (Youtube playlist)

[Song] Perfect Loop - from their album Loud Cut which I haven’t found easily anywhere! Shoot.

Serani Poji - Has a special place in my heart because I really like what they produced and their whole style of music, but also because I discovered them in the spring at the same time the S******** r**** season started, so I would listen to Serani on my shitty little Beats Pill knockoff Bluetooth speaker from Ross while driving back through West Seattle and over the viaduct after the games, and it was sooooo perfect. Days when the S******** would be winning easily and the tree pollen would drift down onto the field like snow in the late afternoon sun and I would lean against the temporary fence because I got the last overflow tickets right on the field, and then I would put on DEAR HEROES or Laughing Frog while I drove to the water to watch the sunset... oh shit let’s not get too deep into my gay feelings. Genre: ... pop? See I really am too dumb to say anything ever.

One-Room Survival

Manamoon

fan mix from NicoNico - includes songs from her last album... Merry-Go-Round Jailhouse! Hahaha behind the scenes of this here blog.

Coaltar of the Deepers - Did I start listening to them just because they did a song for an anime I watched???? ... yes >:) This is actually the wildest new band for me that I started listening to cause they’re like alternative rock/heavy metal/shoegaze. What an evolution in taste from that little q*eer in 7th grade who would come home from school and BLAST Lady Gaga bad Romance every day. Well, that’s just the kind of adventurous, open, curious, cool, worldly, daring, fun, sexy, perfect guy I am!

Yukari Telepath

Come Over to The Deepend

THE BREASTROKE II

[Song] SUMMER GAZER ‘92 - my perfect timing as always because they just released a new EP a few months ago! Rabbit EP I think it’s called.

[Song] Dear Future - the song that started it all, baby............ and yes this is an AMV what the fuck do you have to say about it KEEP SCROLLIN

The Pillows - Ok you know what... Okay. I... We all know which anime I learned about them from. Alright. Get off my fucking back about it.

Runners High

Living Field

Happy Bivouac

Across the metropolis

Little Busters

Please Mr. Lostman

Unchain - Actually I came across them by way of a fan mashup with Serani Poji. Genre: Rock... but they (extremely strained voice as I try to hide I’m reading this off my phone under the desk) later developed into a pop rock... neo soul... style... including funk and... dance elements.

[Song] Let Me Be The One

[Song] You Over You

[Song] Show Me Your Height

[Song] The World Is Yours

Toki Asako - STRIPE is THE song of the summer I’ve been telling you all. And that applies to both hemispheres so we can keep it going all year long.

[Song] STRIPE (Soundcloud)

[Song] Black Savanna

[Song] Kamakura

[Song] Usubeni no City

[Song] Human Nature

HIGHLIGHT - The Very Best of Toki Asako (Spotify)

SAFARI (Spotify)

Goldfrapp - Silver Eye (Youtube playlist). I like everything from them but I gave Silver Eye another listen in 2018 because I wasn’t the biggest fan when they first released it but it has definitely grown on me.

Chain Wallet - Chain Wallet. Have I reached the point in my list where I’m including non-Japanese bands to prove that I don’t literally only listen to Japanese music... well...

Shrift - Lost in a Moment (Youtube playlist). ... yes. Yes I have. I mean I am pulling out the proof that I’m not 100% a freak. I actually discovered this band back on Pandora! Throwbaaaaaaack jeez. To like a decade ago--back when I had a physical CD of this album! But I listened to it recently again, it’s good, it’s samba-y and bossa-y and you know how bossa is healing for my soul.

Bibio - A Mineral Love and my favorite song from it Light Up The Sky. I still remember hearing it for the first time on a night drive through Bothell :)

Sonic Coaster Pop - Super Miracle Circuit. Back to Japanese artists after I fully convinced you of what a normal human I am. Very good memories of listening to this every time I would bike across the 520 bridge :)

Sunny Day Service - Wooooooo BEACH VIBES beachy vibes baby. Posi beachy wave sun vibrations, beachy surf beach rock guitar sand vibes dude. You know brah you feeling my BEACHY SUMMER ROCK VIBES? Anyway albums on Spotify I’m just too lazy to link them here

[Song] I’m a boy

[Song] Punch-drunk love song

OVERROCKET - Albums on Spotify again yadda yadda, also on Youtube playlists, here are some songs:

Voice

Mirai

Sunset Bicycle

Sunset Bicycle Beroshima Mix

Ok that’s it for this part because I’m tired. Can you tell how I mentally deteriorated over the course of this post. Alright ciao babes.

Oh I’ll put this here: Special shout out to Distortional Addict on Youtube who uploaded a lot of the albums above. Really great channel that uploads a lot full albums without ad breaks (what a saint) and plenty of info on them and other songs. Check him out!!!

[defencelesslou]

see you again || T.H

Warning: i love you all :)

Words: 1,193

includes the song see you again by carrie underwood

flashback in italics

21st September 2018

The light shines through the curtains, waking me up slowly. I groan facing my back to the window shutting my eyes in hope of getting more sleep but knowing that I will not be getting any more I open my eyes back up sitting in my slightly uncomfortable bed. 

I turn to my left seeing Tom sleeping, looking at peace as he’s curled up in the white sheets. Smiling I lean over planting a gentle kiss to his forehead, his lips twitching slightly into a small grin before he shuffles his eyes opening but squinting from the light outside.

“Hello darling,” He mumbles pulling me closer to him, his arms looping around me so my face is against his chest. I smile letting out a quiet hello as I sink into his touch, my fingertips slightly grazing over his clothed back. 

“We need to get up, love,” Tom says as he sits up with me still leaning on his chest. Nodding my head I slowly slip off of him tossing the covers off of both of us before going over to our bathroom. 

“Said goodbye, turned around, and you were gone, gone, gone,” I sing quietly to myself as I look in the mirror seeing Tom in the background looking through his phone as I grab my toothbrush. 

“Hey Tom where’s your toothbrush?” I call out to him seeing as the blue and red tooth brush was no where in sight. What a nerd, having a Spider-Man themed tooth brush since he portrayed the one and only Peter Benjamin Parker. Tom looks up shrugging and I turn back to the mirror not giving it much thought, he probably took it back to his house when he went past there.

It was weird, we have been together for so long yet we haven’t moved in together yet? But I guess that’s pretty normal for some couples. After I brush my teeth, I splash my face with water standing there for a second before wiping my face dry. 

“Faded into the setting sun, slipping away, but I won’t cry,” I sing quietly to myself again as I brush my hair, trying to tame it as I throw it up into a high pony tail sighing and telling myself it’s good enough since we had no plans for today. “Cause I know i’ll never be lonely, for you are the stars to me, you are the light I follow,” I start walking towards Tom playing with the hem of my shirt. 

“I will see you again, oh, this is not where it ends,” Tom continues singing as I sit beside him on the squeaky bed. His arm wraps around my shoulder as he leans into my side. 

“What’s our plan for today my love?” I ask running a hand through his brown curls, he hums lightly in thought.

“What we do everyday, love,” He says, I tilt my head to the side in confusion, surely we don’t do the same thing every day. I knock on our door brings me out of my thoughts as I start my way to the door. Opening the door a grin appears on my face. 

“Hey Tommy, look it’s Doctor Wilson,” I turn to face Tom only to see he wasn’t there.“Tom?” Thinking he was in the bathroom I run there only to see it was empty, with just my tooth brush and tooth paste sitting in a jar on the sink. 

“Where is he? Where’s Tom? Doctor Wilson?” Looking towards him I see him shaking his head as he walks out the door calling for someone as I rush around frantically. Staring at him again as he walks back in. 

“Okay now Y/N, don’t be difficult it’s time to take your medication,” Doctor Wilson says as he slowly walks towards me, tray in hand. I shake my head at him as I continue to search for Tom.

“Tom?! Tom where are you?!” I start shouting, arms grab me and I turn around in them expecting to see Tom but I see another doctor, one that I don’t know so I begin thrashing around in his arms calling out for Tom. “Okay sedate her now,” I hear Doctor Wilson say to this other doctor. 

Suddenly my whole world tilts on it’s axis and everything goes dark. 

13th February 2018

“Tom what do you mean you’re flying back to work in two days? You practically just got back from your last trip?!” 

“Look love I’m really sorry, but this movie is going to be huge! I thought you’d be happy for me?” Tom says softly at the beginning but he starts speaking louder by the second. 

“No, of course I’m happy for you it’s just you’re hardly ever home and we never spend time together anymore,” That sentence seems to have made Tom burst out into anger.

“Oh so this is all my fault? I’m so sorry Y/N, I’m so sorry that I work my ass off for a living so I can support the both of us, you know I don’t fucking control my times and my schedule and I’m sorry my whole life doesn’t revolve around you or how you feel, news flash honey, not everything is about you and your selfish ways, god.” Tom exclaims, his eyes widening as soon as the last word comes out. 

I stand there with my mouth open and my eyes brimming with tears from his outburst. “Get out.” 

“Y/N n-” 

“I said get out, Thomas!” Tears were now streaming down my face as I furiously wipe them away on my Tom’s shirt sleeves. Shaking his head he hesitantly takes a step towards me causing me to take a step back. 

“Thomas I said get out! Get the fuck out!” Yelling I walk towards him throwing him his car keys before slamming the door in his face. 

(A QUICK TRIGGER WARNING FOR PEOPLE SO IF YOU GET TRIGGERED BY GUNSHOTS AND DEATH DON’T READ)

Tom’s POV

I fucked up. I really fucked up.

Those were my only thoughts as I run through the grocery store, picking out Y/N’s favourite flowers and chocolate as a way to apologise while thinking up a whole speech. Because Y/N is my world and I never, ever want to lose her. She is my everything. 

And it all happened so suddenly, the gun shots ringing through the air as screams can be heard throughout the store. People cowering behind the stocked shelves and counters as others try to run out of the store. 

Then the worst happens, a sharp pain in my lower abdomen shoots through me. Glancing down at my shirt I see the blood beginning to spread, I fall to the ground and it’s almost as if every memory I had with Y/N flashes through my mind. From when we first met to when I proposed. 

My mind goes fuzzy as I begin to pass out, the blood loss affecting me straight away. And she was the last thing on my mind as I mumble out my last words. 

“Please forgive me,”

I will carry you with me, til’ I see you again.

lol i hate this but i liked it?

[klaineitupanotch]

Elfinder Fic Masterlist.

It’s late, but here’s my list of Glee fanfiction! Hopefully I’m posting this right lol. I’ll go oldest to newest (roughly anyway).  Another Time, Another Place What if Kurt had met Blaine a year earlier? How would his life have changed? In his sophomore year, during the spring, Kurt Hummel ends up by chance meeting a charming young man named Blaine Anderson, who turns out to be in his own Glee club. The two begin down the road of becoming friends and then the journey that their relationship takes them. Will they be able to face any problems ahead? No matter what they may be? https://archiveofourown.org/works/709573/chapters/1311324 Notes: My very first fic written in 2013 (I believe lol, or maybe 2012) so it’s far from perfect, but it’s where it all began for me.  A Picture’s Worth a Thousand Vows In the competitive city of LA, Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson are trying their best to break into showbiz. Neither one figured their chance would come in the form of a modelling gig that would not only pay the bills but help the cause for marriage equality. Where this golden opportunity could lead to more than exposure in the media. https://archiveofourown.org/works/866205/chapters/1662102 Notes: Cute lil fic I did for the Klaine Reverse bang.  Knocked Him For A Time Loop In the year 1903, young magician Blaine Anderson longs for an escape from his impending arranged marriage. A spell gone wrong thrusts him into the year 2013, where he meets Kurt Hummel. Someone equally surprised to find the boy he’d chosen as an essay subject suddenly appear in his bedroom. As if trying to figure out how to get Blaine back to his own time wasn’t hard enough, both started to ponder the same question: Were they star-crossed lovers or merely kindred spirits thrown for a time loop? https://archiveofourown.org/works/962502/chapters/1886645 Notes: Second fic I did for the reverse bang.  What a Feeling Through the hell he faced while living in Lima Ohio, Kurt Hummel finally made it out of the backwards cow town to the city of San Francisco. However, to survive meant dreams had been crushed, hopes forgotten, and impenetrable walls built around him. Long gone is the naive youth who dreamed of Broadway and romance. To the new Kurt Hummel, romance is dead. After finally turning 21, Kurt decides to let loose and finally get laid. He didn't count on the two young men that would come into his life because of this choice. Enter Sebastian Smythe and Blaine Anderson, both offering different things within Kurt's life, and causing varied reactions within him. Will he be able to keep the life style he fought so hard to gain without the risk of emotions ruining it? https://archiveofourown.org/works/704320/chapters/1299141 Notes: This one is technically Sebklaine/Kurtbastian/Klaine/Seblaine, so be prepared of that going in. My first forray into writing Sebastian into the fray and I loved it, lol.  Hummel and Oates Klaine ‘80s AU. Sometimes even potential soulmates can get off on the wrong foot. Enter Kurt, the ballsy co-manager of Dare to Flare, the hottest gay club in the East Village, and Blaine, a newly hired cover band artist at the same club. Right from the start, the boys’ first impressions of one another go astray thanks to some incorrect gossip and an accidentally spilt drink. Can two men who aren't even on a first name basis ever put their differences aside? https://archiveofourown.org/works/1272997/chapters/2631142 Notes: This prob the fic I’m most proud of, even if it’s far from perfect. It was super fun to write. Who doesn’t like the 80s!

Viloncello Blaine Anderson finds himself being given the opportunity of a lifetime, when he is approached by Hunter Clarington the Third, a rich lord who’s singular goal is to become the best luthier of his age. Soon, Blaine gets the chance to play his finest creation, a cello that’s perfect pitch is spell-bounding, to compete at a world wide competition. Little does he know that accepting the job will also lead him to meet a mysterious young man with the voice of an angel. https://archiveofourown.org/works/2152764/chapters/4704513 Notes: Another Reverse Bang fic for 2014.  Sinner or Saviour After years of feeling lost, Blaine Anderson thought he’d finally found his path in life: one that would make his family proud while keeping him far away from a life of sin. But despite his best efforts to start anew, Blaine finds himself falling into the same morally reprehensible patterns as before. Seeking guidance, Blaine looks to God for help but never in a million years did he expect his prayers to be answered — especially when his potential angel-demon hybrid saviour stirs in him the very thing he had been trying so hard to escape. Notes: 2nd fic for Reverse Bang, I went out of my comfort zone for this one lol (religion, angels and demons).  https://archiveofourown.org/works/2249658/chapters/4936905 Threw A Wish in a Well Kurt Hummel is a winner, in his senior year of high school he got everything he wanted. He landed the lead role in the school musical, won the election for student body president and most of all got accepted in NYADA, the school of his dreams. The only thing missing from Kurt's fast paced life in New York was one thing: love. After coming back to Ohio during Thanksgiving to keep a secret going, Kurt makes a wish. To find the love of his life but Kurt never expected to end up falling on a cute guy in ripped jeans as the coin fell. Leaving Kurt and one Blaine Anderson to deal with discovering such a strong connection only to be kept apart soon after. https://archiveofourown.org/works/769966/chapters/1444797 Notes: I was tempted to not include this one since it is abandoned. BUT I do want to eventually go back to it and end it. Maybe it people read it that will help motivate me too. ;) A Wedding Fit for People Magazine Off in Estérel, France and tucked away from public eye, Broadway star Kurt Hummel and rock musician Blaine Anderson are about to marry. As the couple look ahead to their happy moment, they both think back to some of the key moments in the course of their relationship, and how they’ve come so far in spite of their fast-paced lives. https://archiveofourown.org/works/4520904/chapters/10284594 Notes: Reverse Bang Fic again. I think this story is one of my best (if not the best) I’ve written so far.  https://archiveofourown.org/works/4520904/chapters/10284594 Welcome to Paradise Kurt Hummel's life has been full of nothing but school work. Unhappy and alone, he grows bitter from the stress of it all and keeps himself closed off from the world. But when Kurt encounters a group of students who ask him to be their model for a fashion show, he suddenly begins to question everything about himself and his life. In spite of knowing nothing about fashion, Kurt finds himself drawn towards the project, the group, and most of all the group's leader Sebastian Smythe. https://archiveofourown.org/works/3752428/chapters/8328058 Notes: This is Kurtbastian, but without any Blaine hate in it. It’s a story very close to  my heart. I’m really proud of it, and loved writing it (though Klaine is still my otp I swear lol).  Who Do You Think You Are Blaine Anderson is preparing to embark on a new solo chapter of his life: entering college. To those around him, he might appear to be just another ordinary eighteen-year-old, but when his loving parents are none other than the Doctor--Earth's constant saviour and last of the Time Lords--and River Song--a human weapon who defied destiny and fell in love with her target--nothing could be further from the truth. Between the pressure that comes with having such a family legacy to live up to, and the stress of keeping so many secrets from everyone he knows, it's no wonder that Blaine has sworn off relationships. Yet on his first day at the Cambridge School of Visual & Performing Arts, Blaine meets Kurt Hummel and immediately feels drawn to him, challenging his convictions. Suddenly, surviving the wait until Blaine can join his parents in the TARDIS after graduation is the least of his worries. https://archiveofourown.org/works/13759926/chapters/31622952 Notes: My most current story, though I started it years ago. I’m super happy with this one.  For an added bonus, my current fic plans, though it’s slow goings at the moment.  In Progress Rediscovering Paradise The sequel to Welcome to Paradise, it pics up where the epilogue leaves you off. I am currently writing this story, I’m at chapter 4. The plan is to wait till it’s fully written and edited and I’ll post the whole thing in one. I’m also aiming for 8 chapters.  The continuation of Threw a Wish in a Well It’s on my to do list. I have a number of chapters I wrote years ago. They’d just need to be tweaked and revised heavily. I want to give this story a proper ending. So I’ll prob spend some time on it once the Paradise sequel is finished.  Not What I Imagined Another Kurtbastian fic! It will be my take on ‘what if Kurt had met Sebastian instead of Blaine?’ How canon would differ etc. No Blaine hate, no Blaine at all actually. Super excited to write this one. My headcanons are running wild. I’ll be writing this for me really lol.  I have various other ideas... no idea if and when I’ll get to them. The above three projects will keep me busy enough with the rate I’m going writing these days. 

[hopesanpedro]

Createurs - We Exist

I have the pleasure of being in the presence of talented and passionate artists and musicians most of the time and it’s, for me, is one of the best things in my life. Friends, I call these people.

Last Saturday, one of the bands I looked out for in the past years launched their first album – We Exist. Createurs, which is apparently the French word of creators which is already so beautiful when you think about it in itself, is a collaborative band telling the stories of the monsters not just under our beds but also the ones inside our heads, even the ones that are chasing us, through the music of different people. They have also collaborated with different visual artists for each of their song and those artworks were also featured in the lyrics booklet with their CD.

We Exist album has 12 well-written tracks that speaks of the eerie, the enchanting, the damned, and the mystery of the entirety of life. Yes, life.

Now, I’m not going to pretend like I’m some music expert and give you guys a review of their album. I am, however, going to share with you my thoughts on each and favorite lyrics from the tracks in it.

1. Pancake (Re)Mix

This one’s a little too close to my heart. Remember the artworks I’ve mentioned earlier? I made one for them and it was for this song. I think this is the most outright cheesy song they have in their album. But even so, it wasn’t the corny kind. I described this one as “colorful” when I first heard it. It’s exactly the reason why I was careful on putting too much color in the artwork, I didn’t want to take the colors from the song – I wanted it to be as serene and innocent as the song.

“Flying with time just to witness your smile. And I, oh I’m falling down tonight”

We all know the feeling of being all chummy giddy soft inside like we swallowed a whole damn litter of puppies and they won’t stop making you melt from the inside and that’s what this song makes you feel like – kilig. Oh young, new, love.

2. Tides and Lifelines

Okay, just reading the title you’d get an idea of what this song is about. This song reminds me of a lyric from one of my most favorite band ever ever; “love is watching someone die”. (fine it’s from What Sarah Said by Death Cab For Cutie). I think this is one of the songs Createurs wrote and it speaks about mortality and how we deal with it.

“We’re the bullet in each other’s gun, shoot the angels that would take us apart”

Just read those lines. I don’t want to even think how hard it is to be so desperate and helpless in trying to help someone so dear in the brink of death. Ouch, I’m just gonna go and cry for a while.

3. Teragram Carnivale

“Shadows fall on rooms like this, where the sun and the moon collide, with your eyes that once were my carousel rides”

I feel like we all can relate to this song in some way. It has to be relevant to every one of us at some point in our lives. We all wanted to believe in something that has grew its root around our hearts and got a little too caught up in the roller coaster rides. I think this song brings you back to that particular time to make you realize that the past never changes and they never go away. Definitely in my top 3.

4. Facemask

I think I’ve played this song one too many times when they uploaded this on spotify before. Mostly because of its catchiness and its angst. Lol sorry I know, I can’t think of a better way to describe it. You can actually feel the song’s anger and disappointment wrapped in some sort of vengeful feeling.

I liked the lines “You’re only fooling yourself, messing everyone’s head.  A catfish, a sly dish, the culprit, gets blown kiss”

In this digital era, anything and everything can be edited or lied about and it gets sickening when someone or a group of people manipulate others by lying to them about important things.  Technology is a beautiful thing if used for good, but there is some greed in humanity that uses it for something else entirely.

5. Trigger Warning

“It’s the beginning and it’s the end. When all the light has been set, a warning when night is at best.”

I feel like this song was supposed to be in the beginning? It would have been nice to have heard this intro to all their haunting songs, both in a good and eerie way. It’s like the ones you hear when you watch a horror movie that gives you chicken skin and cool fog kinda vibes. It’s a mood setter, a look into the mirror of our own self. It asks you to look inside and acknowledge that you are one of these monsters you are so scared of.

6. The Curious Life of Mr. Hyde II: The Mexicat

This song is still in my everyday playlist. It’s been there since I’ve met Rain the night they played for WAT Up the first time and I got sucked into their music. Oh god I have so many favorite lines from this song!! It’s about mental issues and it perfectly sings the chaos that is in one’s head. They wrote this to try and explain how complicated it is to be in the state of unstable mental health in a very poetic way.

Here are my top 3 lines (YESS BECAUSE I CANT CHOOSE OKAY?? ☹ ); “The colorful imagery of dancing audacity”, “Conversing with my demons, addicted to the tone”, “I haven’t got a martini or any kind of whiskey, But baby you’re my margarita, drunk in love with you”.

Welp. Let’s just say I love the entire lyrics ugh

7. Pianocktail

OH THIS! I love this one. This reminds me of my other favoritest band forever – Panic! At The Disco. The story within and the sophistication in this one is something that’s imprinted into my fanatic heart (awow).

“The taste has never been this condescending. A drink to be made by the one and only pianocktail!”

Ah, there’s nothing more tripping than an uncertainty for something you’ve had for so long.

8. Chat Box From Alaska

“She’s a part-time lover and a beautiful liar, plagued with her broken words and empty promises. Cornered by the pillars of her comfort and embrace, making out with someone better, someone smoother, someone tastier”

I feel like this song is basically for fuck girls who manipulates people for sex by leading people on and leaving them just as fast. I think the last part of this song was written by Rain as a poem years and years ago? Nevertheless, it ended the song so smoothly.

9. Awful Things the Moon Saw

This song makes me think of obsessive lovers or past ones that refuses to let it go. Maybe it’s also us when we hold on a little too tight on something that’s already slipping away.

“Well you know you’ve got me haunted by your scent, Now I find myself begging and falling for you more and more.”

It is also kind of a lullaby to me for some reason, I can sleep soundly with this one playing hehe

10. St. Cecille

This one’s also in my playlist since I’ve first heard it. I think I read the story behind (or at least heavily connected) this song, written by the vocalist. He has a lot of passion, idk ask him. JK!!!!

"Rhyme our thoughts in this waltzing dreams. Time stops when you are around. You’re the one I’ve been talking about on the song of roads and hearts”

I wish I can share with you guys the link to the story but I’m not sure if he’d like that. Anyway, this love song is right up my alley – mysterious, magic, and love? Hell yas.

11. Bloodstream

All I can say about this is that I am so excited for the story to come out because I want to look more into it. Twilight’s werewolves just left the building.

“Chaotic, poetic, and overly narcissistic. Hypnotic, agnostic, but slightly optimistic. Out of the forest to Manila fucking buses. It’s a tale about a man who waltzed among carcasses.”

It’s a midnight story!

12. Stellar Memories

The first song, besides the ones I’ve already heard before of course, that caught my attention in the album was this one. It’s a desperate attempt to preserve something we believe in and wish for its memories to last up to our end.

“Set up the fire and let’s dance around the house. Then watch it burn down like the dreams we fought so hard to get. If this is it, hope higher, ‘cause we’ll hide from the world and never make a….”

I feel like this is the best song to end the album with because I didn’t want it to end and I just kept it on loop for all its entirety because I liked each song.

I’ve already wrote a (lengthy) Instagram post about their well thought branding and packaging but I also want to commend them for the bomb line up and organized launch! Page Four Production reminded me so much of the first gigs of WAT UP and made me miss the team. From promotions to media exposures, to the materials! I look forward to attending gigs they’d come up with!

I won’t ask for more releases so soon because I want to savor this album and all its stories. I’ve already heard the Part I of Mr. Hyde and it’s Createurs’ gift to everyone who attended their launch so if you are curious, wait for the next album maybe it’d be included there.

This album will always have a special place in my heart. It’s definitely worth the long wait. Congrats, Createurs!

Listen to them on Spotify and follow them on their social media pages to be updated!

[aprillikesthings]

tipsy rambly thoughts on my sexual identity which you are free to ignore (and which go on for....a long time)

It shouldn’t be such an effort to remind myself to just relax because it doesn’t fucking matter what I call myself so goddamn much, I don’t have to decide anything. I’ve been out as bi at some level for literally twenty years or so, and that identity includes liking women. Nobody gave me shit for dating a bunch of dudes in a row. Nobody’s gonna give me shit for dating a bunch of women in a row, assuming that’s what happens. 

At least probably nobody will give me shit. I only came out to my parents because I had My First Real Girlfriend at a time when I had to move back in with them when I was 25--in 2005. After her I basically started a streak of dudes--not intentionally--and so they’ve only known me to date men ever since. I worry that their acceptance of my bisexuality is because I mostly dated men after that. Guess we’ll find out. 

(Speaking of which: gaaaah that means it’s been that long since I had sex with a (cis) woman and holy shit I hope I’m not awful at it. I literally bought a book about sex with women, which honestly has some advice on stuff I was worried about, yay (like ‘but how do I breathe while I’m down there’ lol))

One of my only real regrets about my 20′s is that I didn’t spend more time in intentionally queer spaces. There was this horrible feedback loop of “I’m not queer enough,” which meant I mostly dated men, which meant I didn’t feel queer enough....

The only non-straight women I knew for a long time were either middle-aged lesbians I wasn’t close to, or other bisexual women--I think literally every woman I had sex with was also bisexual. Which would have been fine.....if it wasn’t mostly women who hadn’t actually been with another woman. It was like the lesbian sheep post times ten. So much flirting. So little actual action. (Even with my one actual girlfriend, we only had sex like...once a month?? And we were dating all of five months!)

I have A Lot of Thoughts as to why bisexual women mostly date men--which I might write about at some point. One huge part of it, is that men are just easier. Straight dudes are everywhere, you don’t have to go looking for them (pfft they come after you), there are cultural scripts in place for dating them. Whereas women? If you wanna date women, usually, you have to be intentional about it.

Meanwhile lesbian culture is A Thing. Not only that, but it’s a thing that unintentionally excludes a shit-ton of people. And I don’t even mean that in a “ew you’ve touched a dick” kind of way, I mean that in--I didn’t finish college, I know exactly one Tegan and Sara song, I never listened to Sleater-Kinney; there’s just a whole bunch of cultural touchstones and rites of passage I was completely oblivious to. As a white woman into women who is my age and lives in Portland, I can’t shake the feeling that that makes me a huge outsider. I don’t really feel like I’m femme but I’m definitely not butch so I really don’t know. Some of this is projection, though, most likely; I’m just....nervous. 

I just remember, the Saturday before Halloween, going with my friend to that lesbian event, and realizing “oh god gay women, so many gay women,” and how nervous and happy I was and how hot they all were.

I thought for years that I was more into men. Was I? I don’t know??? I had sex with men. I enjoyed it a great deal with some of them, and I know I desired them. But I was always attracted to men who weren’t quite the supposed ideal. They always had something about them that was different and a little.....not-masculine? not macho? But then--I was happily bisexual! Of course I’d be into dudes that weren’t stereotypical straight dudes! 

It’s just so weird to me, to hang out or see men, and realize that while I do find some of them appealing, the idea of actually having sex with or dating any of them just leaves me totally cold. 

But how much of that is just the recent political climate? Or even before that, seeing screenshots of asshole dudes on tinder, or knowing about the MRA groups on reddit? How much of it is knowing that a guy who might seem perfectly sweet on the surface might not see me as a real human being? How much of it is knowing that even guys who profess to be feminists have no idea what emotional labor is and will still leave me with most of the mental load and housekeeping duties? 

I have a lot more sympathy for 2nd-wave feminists who decided to be lesbian for political reasons, that’s for sure. 

I worried for years that I wasn’t really into women, because so many of the supposedly sexy images of women left me cold-to-lukewarm. Sometimes part of it would ping my desires and part of it wouldn’t and I couldn’t sort it out. And to some extent, I’m finding, it’s because I’m attracted to women who are heavier, and who were less likely to be portrayed as sexy in media. And part of it is that I’m attracted to women who (for lack of a better way of putting it) look kinda gay. Even the femme ones! I’d be hard-pressed to explain what makes a femme queer woman look different from a “girly” straight woman, and I wish I knew what it was so I could do that myself, but going to more stuff where most of the women are queer....there’s something, dammit. (Do I think Hayley Kiyoko looks kinda gay ‘cause I know she’s gay? Fuck if I know.) 

But maybe I just like women more now? I don’t know.

And maybe my gay-dar is just getting better. (Hahaha was anyone else on OKCupid in the mid-00′s? You could test your gay-dar--they’d show you images uploaded by other users and ask you to guess their stated orientation--and at the time, mine was abysmal for women, but higher-than-average for men.)

I’m soooo envious of young queer women. I didn’t know any when I was younger--not any close to my age who were in actual relationships with other women. Earlier this year, a friend in her early 20′s who had a long-term girlfriend told me something like “holy shit I love fucking her, it’s so great, I know the joke is ‘how do lesbians know when to stop’ but sometimes like...we only stop because we’re both tired.” I was happy for her, but also I was so envious! And I see that all the time, on tumblr. Women having actual sex with women was a thing I knew happened when I was that age, but I hardly knew anyone my age who’d done it. It was this magical far-off fairy tale land that I might reach, someday....it was terrifying. 

And I don’t know if I’m permanently more into women, or if it’s a temporary thing, or if it even matters. I feel like I’m faking it (or just jumping the gun) if I say I’m gay, but bisexual doesn’t feel right anymore either. I worry that women who are my age and gay aren’t gonna be into a woman who has no idea what she’s doing, god dammit. 

All I know is, I’m terrified to get on OK Cupid or Tinder or Her or any of them just yet. But I also know that my wanking fantasies are all women, and my non-wanking fantasies are all women, and I feel like I’m gonna go bananas with how badly I just want, it’s like being a teenager again. (Speaking of which: I had the worst crush on this one friend of mine as a teenager, and I remember her spending the night at my house once, and hating myself because all I could think about was how badly I wanted to kiss her and touch her breasts--she turned out to be gay. I don’t think she was into me at the time so it doesn’t matter, but the irony has not escaped me.)